Funeral fighting

[dottt]

Need advice
Mil funeral Thursday
Acrimonious divorce 25 years ago. No dv just irretrievable breakdown neither ever had a new relationship post divorce
4 children of marriage
2 executors dh and bil
Fil helping funeral costs
Dh and his 2 younger db's want their father to attend funeral and wake as do I.

Bil has given father ultimatum that if he attends he will not go or ever speak to him again. Also fil's family have been uninvited
Fil now not going as thinks least worst option
Whole family reeling
My dh is distraught

Can't you just call BIL bluff and ignore him? Or say that he, and his family, will attend the service but not go to the wake. If it was my brother I would just tell him that he was being silly, it was his problem and he had to deal with it - and not going was a pretty silly way to deal with it. Just state it calmly and unemotionally- don't get drawn into arguments.

Agreed but fil says he will not go unless bil changes stance

They are adults. I'd let each of them decide what they want to do here.

I think that you have to just say it isn't your problem and be friendly to all. They will have to sort it out themselves. Don't get drawn in-don't take sides.Send a friendly letter and order of service sheet to anyone who doesn't go.

If the funeral is in a church anyone can attend - FIL could just slip in quietly and not attend the wake.

My father died recently and my mother attended, even though they had been divorced for years and both remarried. Divorce was acrimonious at the time (mum's affair) but now ancient history. However, in my case my wonderfully dignified step mother made it clear she would expect my mum to attend and she would be welcome.

I think when it is a long marriage with children in common, it is natural to wish to pay respects and this should be honoured.

V upsetting situation. I stayed out of it. Bil has backed down as his 3 siblings objected. Thanks all

Glad it is sorted.