my baby shoud be 1 today

[slinkstah]

Its been a year since i said goodbye to my baby who was born at 10.36pm on 20th may 05. she was only 23 weeks gestation, i went into preterm labour and had a rescue cervical stitch but a few days later my membranes ruptured and my stitch was removed and i had a 12 hour labour and gave birth to my baby who only lived a minute or so, never breathed although tried hard to:(

she was not resusitated because only 24+ weeks is viable in this country. I begged drs to resusitate but they said no. i wish now i had offered to pay- i would have paid anything for my baby to be given a chance at life. I really would not have cared if she had cerebal palsy or worse i really just wanted her to have a life or a chance at life.

she was a big baby as people have talked to me about babys at that gestation fitting into their hand but my baby was the length of my thigh and did not fit into even my dh's hand.

we had a funeral and she was cremated since then her ashes have been at home with me. we have had a memorial tree for ages and recently bought a pot and we potted the tree and i decorated the pot with mosaics and stuff. im not ready to bury her ashes yet.

i can't believe its been a year, i still miss my baby so much, i am pg again but i still think of my baby girl every day.

my dh couldn't remember what time she was born or even what date the funeral was or anything, it upset me, i am the only person. friends and family have all forgotton that she did exist. not even a phone call:(
my friends even talk about the baby im pg with now as being my 3rd baby when its my forth, i go along with it all the time for an easy life but im screaming for someone other than me to reconise that she did exist and was real.

anyway just wanted to tell someone all this thanks MN for listening and keeping me sane xxxxxxx

i'm so sorry, i can't believe they wouldn't try to resucitate her as she was trying to breathe?!?!?!

Hi there all. I was browsing on the internet trying to find answers to why i lost my little angel. I am 22 yrs of age and on the 25th May 2006, I lost my precious baby boy at 23 week gestation.. I was sleeping and suddenly woke up from a sharp pain in my abdomen. Not knowing that it was contractions i rushed to the hospital as i couldn't handle the pain. I had them pratically every 2 minutes, there was no bleeding, no discharge - nothing..... when my gynae arrived at the hospital I was 4cm dialated. My angel's heart was still beating. I had two drips, one in each arm to try and stop the contractions, didn't help... an hour into labour my water broke and after being examined the doctor told me that there is no heartbeat and that it was all over.. My fiancé was on a business trip so I only had my mother by my side.. Seven hours later I had to give birth to my little angel. They gave me so many drugs that I didn't get the chance to say goodbye, they showed him to me and then took him away. I had a sonar jst a week before and everything was perfect. Nobody has answers for me.. Apparently I spontaneously went into labour. My doctor told me that I suffer from an incompetent cervix, but when we did a sonar everything was fine - and he had no answers for me. It was my first baby. I am so bitter, angry and sad...and i don't know how to deal with it. I'm a very strong women, but this broke me and I don't know how to pick myself up. I loved him so much. I bought him everything... everything was ready and we were anxiouly waiting on his arrival.. my fiancé broke off the engagement, apparenty he has nothing to live for anymore...
I would never understand howcome babies survive to mothers who does not want them, but to us mommies out there crying out to hold, love and protect our little one's that's on the way... it get's taken away from us... anyway i jst needed to let that out... can't really talk about it

soo sorry to both of you for your loss.
I read this somewhere:
Some people come into our lives and quickly go,
They leave footprints in our hearts and we are never ever the same.