Today is 2 years since my darling husband Mark sadly decided he had had enough of life, and committed suicide to escape his dark days of severe depression he suffered - I came home and found him - he had hung his self :(
How can it be 2 years since you were here with us? Your friends,family and myself miss you so much and always will.
The first year was hell, looking back I'm not sure how I coped with the pain,hurt, sadness, bleakness, confusion and even guilt of what Mark did.
Loneliness was a huge factor as those who have lost a husband/wife/partner - someone who was in your life 24/7 will only understand
I didn't sleep for months on end, i lost weight - But i did cope with thanks to the amazing love and support of my friends and family and later on the new man in my life Mr D
When people ask me how I coped its because I had to - I managed to be strong, though i don't know how, as I miss you so much &wish you are here, but you are not&never will be :(
Everyone said I was so brave and amazing and they wouldn't be able to cope if the same thing happened to them - as I always say there is no choice, and you HAVE to deal with what happened. In the early days I used to say cry, die or survive and I have chosen to survive and carry on with my life
The 2nd year is slightly easier if that's the right word as you've done all the 1st's and don't think this time last year we did ..... or maybe you just learn to cope better as there is no choice - but some 2nd's are tough, my wedding anniversary as that was so personal to me and was a very hard day last month. It brought back that I will NEVER see dh again and spent the day in tears
Its true you don't get 'over' it, you never stop missing them,you don't stop hurting.I still have heartbreaking days where I cry - yesterday i cried&already have today and i know i will on other days - silly things set me off&reduce me to tears, but bad days are fewer than before tho still come out of nowhere at times
I keep saying sadly tomorrow doesn't always come :( so tell your loved ones you love them and don't put off today for tomorrow.
I HAVE to think and believe that Dh is happy again&he found his light - seeing someone you love so much suffer with depression&have some days so dark and black is so hard - ive seen psychics that tell me stuff that they just can't know and this is what kept me going in the early days - that they said he was happy¬ under his dark cloud of blackness&how&where he died - I've not said a word about depression and his cause of death to them
Eventually if you are lucky you get to get to a place where you feel that you can live again, you learn to smile, and though I do feel guilty that I laugh and enjoy life - that I'm smiling again, though Mark will ALWAYS have a place in my heart and mind - but he made that decision to sadly end his life.
But my life goes on and this is what I think all of us who have lost a husband/wife/partner/friend or family - that this is what they want - they cant be here with us for whatever reasons :( but are above watching us and want us to carry on with life whichever way we can - it just takes time to understand and realise this
Off to the crem later with a friend and will raise a glass to Mark tonight with some of his friends who all miss him and wish he was still with us.
Miss and love you my darling and I hope you are at peace wherever you are xxxxxxxxx