My friend has lost her baby...

[elena2]

She was thought she was about 13 weeks pregnant and went for a dating scan on Friday.
When she had the scan the sonographer said she couldn't see the baby and would have to do an internal scan. When she did the internal scan she said, "I'm so sorry, I can't see a heartbeat."

The baby had only grown to about 7 weeks and had died.

My friend is absolutely devastated, she keeps wondering if it was her fault because she is on epilepsy drugs (mild ones that are supposed to be the best ones to take when you are pregnant).

She is finding it very hard to cope with the fact that the baby has died but she is still carrying it.

She was given 3 tablets to take on Saturday morning and has til Monday to see if she will miscarry 'fully' over the weekend, whatever she loses she has to take in to the hospital in a container they have given her so they can try to find out why the baby died.
If she doesn't lose anything over the weekend she has to go in on Monday to have a pessary and stay in for 6 hours and possibly have a d&c if nothing else happens.

She is being so unbelievably brave about the whole thing, I am so proud of her but at the same time I am thinking how is she coping with this?
She says she feels heartless because she feels like she just wants the baby out of her now.

Because she thought she was 13 weeks, she had told everyone at work, and she is dreading going back to work because she works at a nursery in the baby room and she doesn't feel like she can face it.

It seems so cruel, finding out her baby had died is hard enough, but everything else she is having to go through, and the waiting.

I really don't know what to say to her, or what I can do to help her.

Has anyone who has gone through this got any advice?

I am sorry to hear about your friend elena2. I would say be there for her and do anything you can, give her a hug. Lots of hugs.

My friend also lost a baby around Christmas, I made a post in this miscarriage/bereavement section and other mumsnetters gave me some lovely advice and were supportive in helping me cope. I have passed on the information to my friend and she is dealing with it. Maybe it will be helpful for you as well.

here you go elena2

Miscarriage/ Bereavement : How do you or what do you......?????

Just be there for her to talk to, the worse thing i found when this happened to me was that people tried to talk about anything but my miscarriage. People seem to think you just want to forget it but you don't, I found talking about it helped me to come to terms with it.
I know how she feels about the work situation, I am a paediatric nurse and the last thing I wanted was to go back to work. When I did eventually go back I asked to not work with the babies for a while until I felt ready and my colleagues respected this.
I think you are doing all you can for her and even if you don't know what to say or do, just let her know that you are there whenever she needs you, knowing you have support is a big help. You both are in my thoughts {{{Hugs{}}}}

Thanks GenT, I'll have a look at that thread.

She came round yesterday afternoon and we had a long chat. She just wants it all to be over properly so she can grieve.
And she is worrying that she will never be able to have a baby, that there is something wrong with her.

I don't think I ever understood until now how nuch of a terrible experience miscarriage is. Of course, I thought I did, but now I'm seeing it through her eyes.

My heart goes out to anyone who has had to go through this.

you have already helped her a lot, just listening to her, let her vent it all out and give her the place to talk about it. Remember the due date - that will be an awfully hard day to get through. If she is working at a nursery can she take some time off?
This same thing right down to the dates happened to a friend of mine in June of last year - and she is now 20 weeks pregnant. There are lots of success stories out there with women who have suffered a m/c, she isn't alone.
lots of luck to your friend in getting through this difficult time

Elena2, your poor friend, I'm so sorry. As others have already said, just listening to her and by doing so, acknowledging that her child had an existence, will help her.
She will need to quiz the medical staff closely about her epilepsy medication but I would have thought if they were the recommended ones for pregnancy, then they will not have caused the miscarriage.
Now may not be the time for her to focus on this, but so many people who lose babies do go on to conceive again and have a healthy child. I did! The pregnancy wasn't easy but the end result is just wonderful. The statistics are overwhelmingly in her favour, it all comes right in the end for the majority of women whose baby dies.
She must not feel guilty about wanting the baby out of her now. I felt this very, very strongly when I got the news that Tom was dead inside me. To be honest I thought it was obscene that they let me out of the hospital where I had my scan. The journey home on public transport nearly drove me insane. With hindsight I can understand why events happen in a particular sequence when a baby has died but not miscarried, but at the time that was the most upsetting part of it all.
So I can imagine how she feels. It will not make her love the baby she has lost less and it does not make her unfit to be a mother again.
Does she have someone who can go in with her to hospital on Monday if need be? Is the father of the baby around (you don't mention him in the post)?
Maybe a specific way you could help her is by making that difficult call to her workplace to explain what has happened. (I was able to do it by e-mail, I couldn't actually speak or pick up the phone for about 12 hours after we got the diagnosis). I hope work will maybe consider moving her to the pre-school room when she returns. I am sure all the parents would understand why if they knew.
I hope she gets good follow-up and the staff remember to refer to her baby as a baby and not as miscarriage tissue etc. I'm afraid it still happens. Hugs to her and you - it's not easy helping someone whose baby has died.

I had this exact same thing 3 years ago. Went for a dating scan at 12 weeks, baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. I too had told people I was pregnant. I too had to wait to see if I miscarried, but ended up having an ERPC (like a D&C).
I really didn't want people to avoid talking about it and worse people to avoid me because they didn't know what to say. So I asked one of my close friends to tell our other friends and ask them not to ignore it. I don't remember what anyone said to me specifically,I just remember who was there, who didn't mind me crying or asking why...
So my advice is just be there for your friend. She doesn't expect you to have the answers, she just needs people to lean on.

My cousin had this happen to her (she is on no drugs so far as I know). She also had an early miscarriage next time round. Now she has a healthy 1 year old and has just announced she is pregnant again.

It is tough - but it is one of those things that happens occasionally - not anything she caused. The baby was just not capable of growing properly.

I wouldn't think there is any reason not to be hopeful of another baby.

Message withdrawn

Elena so sorry for your friends loss.
My sis went through this with her first pg and she was devastated.
She is very lucky to have a friend like you
hugs
xxx

This has happened to me twice, once at 14 wks and once at 12. It is horrendously cruel and unfortunately there isnt much people can do to help, your friend must have the time she needs to grieve (I am still grieving amd my second mc was last Oct, it is a slow process). Just make sure you keep asking her how she is and do refer to the baby when it is appropriate, it is so hurtful when people wont/cant acknowledge your baby.

Thanks all.

I spoke to her on Sunday afternoon and she had started bleeding a little, and on Monday she went to the hospital and it was 'over' by teatime.

She's now waiting to hear if they can find out why the baby didn't survive.

It's been such a long, traumatic process for her to have to go through.

Marina, she went and told work straight after the scan, as she was supposed to be going back there afterwards. I don't know how she did it, she has got a dh but he is pretty useless TBH. He was sat in the car while she went in work.

She's off all this week, and is at the doctors on Friday to see if she wants to go back next week or get another sick note.

Thanks again for all the advice, she hasn't got a computer so can't get on MN, but she is coming up for a coffee later on this week, so maybe I will get her to have a look at these lovely messages.

Elena xxx