stillborn baby girl

[K8P]

My sister in law lost her baby girl when she was 12hours old. This happened 6 weeks ago and everyone is devasted as all was going well. I am upset because we were both pregnant at the same time sharing lots of sories, my little girl was born 6weeks before hers. I feel so sad for her but really don't know what to say. We live far apart and don't see each other regularly and are in contact via email and text. I am concerned that she will find it difficult seeing our daughter knowing she is the same age as her daughter would have been. I am not sure how I can support her through this. Any suggestions would help.

how awful for your sister and for you.
I have no experience of this but do know that the charity sands are helpful.I'm sure if you contacted them they could make some useful suggestions.
Such a devastating thing ,can't imagine how people deal with it.

thanks I'll look up Sands. It was particularly awful because she was born a healthy full term baby. Her heart had stopped during labour and although the medical team revived her at birth it soon became apparent her life wouldn't be viable. I am finding it hard to come to terms with and so I can't imagine how my sidter in law feels.

I have no advice for you K8P but I have heard Sands are wonderful after such an awful tradgedy. I guess the only way you can help your SIL is by being there when/if she needs you
I will say a prayer for you SIL & I will also
pray that you find the strength of heart to support her.

Here is their URL \link{http://www.uk-sands.org\SANDS}
So very sorry your baby niece died, K8P. The Helpline is not 24 hours but if you ring tomorrow you will speak to someone at their head office and I am sure they will be able to assist both you and your SIL.
Everyone is different, but I loved holding other people's tiny babies after my second was prematurely stillborn - it made me feel less of an outcast if you see what I mean. I still have a special feeling about one Mumsnetter's baby who I had some top cuddles with just after I lost Tom.
You sound like a very caring SIL, I think your friendship will mean a lot to her even if you can't meet up much.

Thanks Marina, knowing the joy I felt when Lucy was born just made it unbearable when Caitlyn died. My BIL and SIL live abroad and luckily we were visiting when this happened and were able to go to Caitlyn's funeral and meet her for the first time. My SIL was ok about seeing Lucy then but they're due to visit over here and I think it's too painful for her to visit us.

Thanks Marina, knowing the joy I felt when Lucy was born just made it unbearable when Caitlyn died. My BIL and SIL live abroad and luckily we were visiting when this happened and were able to go to Caitlyn's funeral and meet her for the first time. My SIL was ok about seeing Lucy then but they're due to visit over here and I think it's too painful for her to visit us.

Thanks Marina, knowing the joy I felt when Lucy was born just made it unbearable when Caitlyn died. My BIL and SIL live abroad and luckily we were visiting when this happened and were able to go to Caitlyn's funeral and meet her for the first time. My SIL was ok about seeing Lucy then but they're due to visit over here and I think it's too painful for her to visit us.

Thanks Marina, knowing the joy I felt when Lucy was born just made it unbearable when Caitlyn died. My BIL and SIL live abroad and luckily we were visiting when this happened and were able to go to Caitlyn's funeral and meet her for the first time. My SIL was ok about seeing Lucy then but they're due to visit over here and I think it's too painful for her to visit us.

so sorry ,how awful .I cant begin to even think how she must feel,im welling up just reading it.So very sorry.

So sorry for your loss
My SIL lost her little girl aged 19 months to pneumococcal meningitis just over a year ago.
My own Dd was born just 8 months after my neice, its become more difficult for my SIL as time has gone on. As my Dd gets older, i think she sees little things that hurt sometimes. The way she says "daddy" etc. My Dd is having her 2nd birthday party on saturday, and SIL isnt going to come. Because my Dd is going to be the age her Dd missed out on, some of the children her DD played with will be there, its just too hard for her too deal with at the moment.
I think you just need to be there when ever she needs you, be sensetive when you talk about what your child is doing, learning etc.
Try not to take it personally if she dosent want to see you or your DD at times, just try and go with what she wants and needs as much as you can.

I truly hope that this helps you in some way, i really do understand what you are going through.xx

I lost my DD 5 years ago now and still I have huge problems with baby girls pink things and little princesses. We went onto have a ds who is our absolute pride and joy but i cant get over being so sensitive still about our dd. My sil has gone onto have 2 dds and no matter how hard I try I just cant form a relationship with them.
I know i am normal and the way i feel is fine-time will help but if it doesnt then it doesnt matter-shit happens and you can only deal with it as best you can at the time.

sorry for your loss too.
My SIL was pregnant when her DD died, she gave birth only 8 weeks later, she had another girl.
She has said that she couldnt imagine not ever having a little girl again, so Dd2 was an extra special blessing.
I totally agree with the shit happens attitude, i have said to my SIL, no one else matters, if you dont want to see someone just say, everyone that matters will understand.

Thanks for those messages they help. I understand she may not want to hear about what our little girl is doing and have not talked about her in my emails. I hadn't thought about how long she may feel like this and your right it could be for a long time and I will wait until she's ready. It can't be easy for her knowing these two cousins would have been almost the same age.

Nickiey thanks for what you said. It must have been so hard for you. I can't get over what should have been for my sil, she had the perfect pregnancy and everything was ready for her to bring her baby home. Her milk came in the day of the funeral and she was so brave. I find it difficult and cry, so I can't imagine how my sil feels. I hope time is a healer. I don't know whether to keep emailing her whether she replies or not hoping that my emails let her know I'm here for her, or whether to let her lead?

Is she your dh's sister or your dh's brother's wife, K8P? I just wondered if you had other family members you could chat to about how best to support her without making her feel overwhelmed.
I will be honest and say for me it hurt most when people censored themselves and just stopped mentioning their babies or their pregnancies. I wanted to hear how people were! But the friends I had in this situation were great about understanding that my mood varied and they never went on and on.
It might still be worth checking with SANDS as they do have some branches and contacts in countries with sizeable British expat populations, and there may be someone local who can help your SIL - if only to sit and listen while she cries :(
And I'm deeply sad for you too - you have lost your niece and Lucy's cousin. Don't underestimate the impact on your own little family :(

K8P I'm so sorry for you families loss. My niece died of pneumococcal septacaemia when she was 13 months old - she was the first grandchild and first niece etc. on both sides of the family so it hit everyone very hard. Other posts have given great advice. I just wanted to say for the future try and keep the memory of your niece alive if you know what I mean. It is 10 years on now and we still talk of my niece when we meet as a family - her brothers sisters and cousins all know who she is and how she died and its not a forced or sad memory - she is just a part of us as she would have been if she was still here.

We have a photo of her with our family photos and i talk with my sil about her, especially how pretty she was. Thanks Marina I shall talk to her sister about it, my sil is my dh brothers wife. These messages are really helping me come to terms with how I should help my sil (and help me). As she lives abroad email is not the best means of communication to really know how someone is, and it is easy to misunderstand emails sometimes.

So many people just do not think to tell a bereaved mum how beautiful her baby is...sounds like you are doing a lot to help her :)

K8P, congratulations on your daughter. Please don't let this sadness take away from your happiness. I had something a bit similar - but less traumatic. My sil lost 2 babies while I was pregnant - one was a termination for Edward'sSyndrome, the second a miscarriage. The irony was that they were (and are) desperately trying for a first baby and I was unintentionally pregnant at nearly 40 with number 4.
I know she found it hard for ages seeing the baby. Just wanted to say that 2 years down the line (they are still trying) things are much much easier.

Thanks everyone for all your help and advice. x