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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Sad and angry

15 replies

2boys2cats · 04/05/2006 21:08

I've just miscarried at 11 weeks. I started bleeding on Monday and had a scan which confirmed the baby had died around a week ago. I went to the EPAU yesterday for another scan which confirmed the result, and was told to stay in as I was bleeding heavily. I basically begged them to give me an ERPC as I couldn't cope with having everything come away naturally. They nodded and then basically ignored me. I then had about 4 hours of incredibly painful contractions while they told me that I was on the priority list for theatre, and then off it, then on again, etc etc. Then it all came away on its own and was the most horrible experience I've ever had. Not one person said to me the entire day that they were sorry about what was happening - people just came in and out without introducing themselves or just talked over me. The only time I got any attention was when I was pinned to the bed as they 'delivered' the fetus and placenta. I was hysterical and they just kept telling me to relax - can you believe it?
I feel completely traumatised by the experience and so so angry with the staff for being so utterly insensitive. I realise that a miscarriage before 12 weeks is very common and they see it all the time, but this is my body, my baby and my distress - and not even a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. Has anyone had a similar experience?
Sorry to rant for ages ...

OP posts:

MamaG · 04/05/2006 21:12

I'm so sorry you were treated this way 2boys2cats, I haven't had a similar experience but just wanted to say how sorry I was :(

Bloomsbury · 04/05/2006 21:20

2boys2cats - really sorry about this - for your loss and for what your've been through. I had an early miscarriage this week, at 6 weeks, and it's been fairly horrendous (it's still going on and I'm going to the EPU tomorrow), because I don't know what to expect physically and mentally I'm feeling sad and disappointed. Your experience is on a totally different level and I'm so sorry that you've been treated with so little sensitivity. I'm sure many mumsnetters are thinking of you and giving you plenty of cyber hugs as well as wishing you'd had better treatment by the staff (who I'm sure are working very hard but sometimes forget that there's a person that they are dealing with). Sorry I mention myself in this - didn't mean to hijack, but I've been meaning to post as a sort of 'outlet' but didn't really know what to say, but your message prompted me.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 04/05/2006 21:28

Sounds like a terrible experience on top of your pain at loosing your baby.

Bloomsbury - sorry for your loss too.

eemie · 04/05/2006 21:31

Sorry, but yes, had similar experiences. People really don't understand about miscarriage.

Also I doubt if a sympathetic pat on the shoulder would necessarily have helped much - some of my worst memories are of the people who were glib ('there's no need to be upset, it doesn't mean anything'...'you couldn't really call it a baby, could you?'...etc)

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

2boys2cats · 04/05/2006 21:34

Thanks, both of you. And Bloomsbury - I'm so sorry for your loss. Horrendous doesn't quite cover it, does it? I don't mean to bitch about the nursing staff - as I know that they have umpteen patients to look after and of course busy hospitals have to prioritise theatre cases, so if I dropped off the list then there's nothing they could do. I understand all that, but what I found so hard to deal with was their complete lack of sympathy. It just made a distessing and awful experience 100 times worse.
I think maybe I just chose a bad hospital?

OP posts:

mckenzie · 04/05/2006 21:40

I really can't think of anything profound to say 2boys2cats to make you feel any better, or you Bloomsbury, but I couldn't read your messages and not comment. I cant even begin to imagine what you went through. I really do feel for you. It doesn't have to be like that surely?

Tipex · 04/05/2006 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandra · 04/05/2006 21:46

I'm very sorry for what you have been through, I work in a hospital and although I can see a very caring attitude from the staff most of the times, I have also seen the other side while being a patient (my midwife during pregnancy was wonderful, the the witch I had for the delivery could have done with a good reprimand!) . I think some people loose perspective about how important a baby that age could be because there are so many people who can't see him/her quite yet as a human being. I know you feel upset but, would you please complain to the hospital?, that may help them to be more sympathetic in the future, if they don't see they are getting it all wrong they can't change that horrible behaviour.

Hugs

Olihan · 05/05/2006 15:59

2boys, I'm so sorry you've had such an awful experience but I'm sure you're not alone.

My friend had a very similar experience to yours last year. She finally miscarried (after all sorts of problems) at 14 weeks. She'd already had the OSCAR scan and seen her baby moving about etc. When she went for her ERPC she had to be sedated as it was so far through. When she came round the doctor told her 'we've removed all the products'. That was it, no sorry, no sympathy. And to cap it all, she was asked to return her pregnancy notes to the clinic herself. The community midwives didn't even come out to see her or phone to see if she needed anything.

It's unbelievable that medical staff can treat bereaved women like this. I agree with Tipex and Chandra about complaining - it may just help stop someone else going through this sort of thing.

saralou100 · 05/05/2006 18:09

i'm so sorry to hear what you went through, it sounds like an awful experience and you felt you were let down. i work in a hospital, on a gynae ward and i know some colleagues find dealing with our ladies who have miscarried very difficult they often don't know how to behave or what they should say when around them. in no way am i trying to condone the behaviour of any one who looked after you, but it may be that this unit is unaware of how they are failing people... i know this may not be easy for you, but have you thought of speaking with the ward sister or even writing a letter letting them know how it left you feeling so that perhaps someone else doesn't have to go through a similar experience, it may help you to have some closure on this awful experience. take care of yourself and try not tolet a bad experience ruin your grieving process, you lost your baby that day, even if no-one else acknowledged it you and the important people around you who are supporting you know that xx

yoyo · 05/05/2006 18:25

So very sorry to hear of your experience. I miscarried my first pregnancy in hospital and it was an unforgettably horrible experience too. I was left on my own and was told to keep everything I passed so that they could examine it. I had several of those little pans at the end of my bed for hours and it was only when my sister (a nurse) came in to see me that she actually took them to the desk and asked if anyone would like to check them and me that anything was done. It was agony too. They kept me in overnight and I was scanned the next morning.

I complained to my wonderful GP who wrote to the hospital. They did say that I could go in to discuss it all with them but I chose not to. I probably ought to have as it still makes me angry now and it was eleven years ago.
My sister had an even worse experience at the same hospital seven years ago. She was on ADs for a long time afterwards as a result of the loss of her baby and the truly awful care she received.
Do contact the hospital to express your feelings when you are up to doing so. I often think that I should have and maybe my sister wouldn't have had to go through her ordeal.

beckybrastraps · 05/05/2006 18:39

So sorry. I did unfortunately have a somewhat similar experience, except it was probably my fault for saying I was OK without an ERPC. I was left sitting in a waiting room, on my own, for 8 hours, bleeding v. heavily. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything, and not one member of staff paid any attention to me. When they finally let me go, it was snowing, I got stuck in the car and most of the pregnancy came out then. A lot of just couldn't be helped - I don't blame them for the snow! - but to just be ignored was very distressing.

Rant away - I didn't and I still feel upset about not doing so at the time. Write to the hospital. I really wish I had.

Greensleeves · 05/05/2006 18:41

I'm so sorry this has happened to you 2boys2cats . Your OP brought tears to my eyes. Nobody should have to endure such pain and sadness without compassion from those who are supposed to be caring for them. I hope you can work through these very legitimate feelings of grief and anger and move on to a happier time in your life.

saralou100 · 06/05/2006 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mixedemotions123 · 07/05/2006 06:58

Really sorry to hear of the bad experiences that alot of you have had to go through.
Just wanted to say, for both of my miscarriages, the RHCH in Winchester were really good. I know it is of no help to any of you, but as you already know, not all hospitals are the same. Hope you feel better soon 2boys, and please don't let your experience put you off for trying again.

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