My Daddy

[nevermindthecrocodiles]

I have been hanging about on MN to post on here, but have never quite plucked up the courage. Then I saw another poster with a similar situation and decided to go for it....

I am 24, and an only. My darling, beloved daddy died last year aged 63, from cancer. He was diagnosed on the day of my uni graduation (I didn't go as I wanted to go to the hospital with him & mama) and died three months later. For the last three weeks of his life, my mother and I slept on the floor of his hospital room. We were so so close, and I loved - I love - him so much.

Mama and I are so unhappy. Daddy would have done anything for us, and I was incredibly spoilt in terms of the time and love lavished on me by him. Due to death duties etc I have moved back into my family home and working as a nanny in the village I grew up in ( may out me, but...never mind) I love the children I look after, but I am so tired, constantly sick with grief. I dream about daddy every night and see his face everywhere. The greed is so overpowering and so all- consuming it feels as though there's none of me left.

Mama goes to a support group, but there's nothing for my age group. I have no children, no family of my own, but do have a wonderful DP who knew daddy well and promised, on his deathbed, to look after me & mama, which he's doing.

They brought daddy home to die, I watched him take his last breath. I miss him so much I feel like I can't breathe. None often friends are around anymore - they're just not in touch. I'm so unhappy, and so alone, my life is just destroyed, and all I wish everyday is that I was dead and he was alive. And I can't tell anyone, because if I even hint I'm unhappy I just get the old chestnut "He wouldn't want you to be unhappy"

Why is life so fucking awful?

Sorry....but I have no one.

It's a dreadful cliche but time really helps with this. I'm so sorry. Your dad was very young to die and his illness resolved very quickly, so I think so much of your grief is pure shock at the suddeness of his death.

Seeing him everywhere is really normal, I remember that after my dad died. I would stare at people who had some characteristic of his. And the moment shock of Oh it's dad, but of course it isn't. And I do still dream about him (he is always alive somehow again) ten years on but not with the same hideous sadness as earlier on.

I'm sorry for you and your poor mum. Grieving is a long complex thing. Look after yourself x

crocs your dad wouldn't want you to be unhappy in the long term but it would be very odd if he were to expect you to not be sad in the short term.

Cry your heart out, really, you need to.

When your crying is done, if you still feel 'not right', go to see your GP.

It just feels like I'm going insane. It put on my fixed grin and am jolly jolly jolly for the kids I look after (I do love them to bits, especially the baby who is a great cuddly comfort) and then just collapse when I get home. It feels like its a nightmare I'll wake up from at any minute. I love the kids but my life has been so irrevocably changed, I want to be able to use my degree, to be independent, and I can't. I am on Prozac and Valium which literally gets me through the day, and zopiclone at night, otherwise I just don't sleep. I see my GP around once a month, but nothing really changes. I was having sessions with a psychologist, but I never knew what to say, I just sat there feeling sorry for myself. It's just not my life. It's a bad dream, and I'm so helpless. I want him back so badly I can't describe it....and I'm scared that if I start crying I may never stop.

Oh my dear I am so sorry to read how sick with grief you are!!! My only advice is to bear it, and do that crying. Let the whole experience rise up into you and pass thro you. There are things in life that hurt so much we think we van hardly breath, and they happen to us all. Let the tears wash you a new fawn.

You were lucky to have had a father like that. It's alright to be sad. It won't last forever, but since it is here, best to let it in xxx

When my dad we got loads of sympathy card saying lovely things about him but the one I that meant the most was the one that said 'life will never be the same, only different' to me it spoke the truth. My dad died 4 weeks after being diagnosed and told us all we were to carry on and be happy, live our lives to the full. We always say our dad taught us to live and taught us to die. He was a very dignified man and died in my mothers arms with all his children beside him. It's 3 years now since he has been gone and I think of him everyday, time does heel and you need to let the tears flow. It really does get better and like one of the other posts said your dad wouldn't want you to be so unhappy and sad. Take care Nevermind love to you and your mum.