As we go through this painful journey together

[lavandes]

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

Hello girls I didn't wake up till 10am....feel like I have been robbed of my morning!!!

Hope everybody is OK xx

My5 I seem to remember you are possibly having your baby today.

how are you doing? is everything ok?

Shabs no sympathy for missed morning, DD has had fever/high temp for 2 days and is soooo clingy. I'm exhausted and I wish I could have slept till 10am!

she's ok though, had her checked over today, must be just a virus.

hello all! x

That little friend of Mia's has "the gift", hasn't she?

snorris welcome but so, so sorry you've had to join us xxx

myfive thinking of you.

Morning girls xx

morning

I just made a stupid mistake of being involved in a thread that again turned out to be people not listening, only misunderstanding and criticizing what I say.

I'm so annoyed with myself.

I'd say what it's about - but not sure if that would break any talk guidelines.

hope you are all ok.

My5 what's going on with you, is everything ok?

Hello all, it's a long time since I've been on here and I want to say a very sad welcome to those who have joined us. snorris I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Seren, your star. I know it becomes a cliche, but it is such early days for you. If you feel like you are in a dark pit and struggling to get out, please be reassured that every bereaved parent will know how you feel.

I found this apt Victor Frankl quote: "an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour".

My son Sean had severe disabilities but was generally healthy and his death at 16 was totally unexpected. As I told my counsellor, he was my life's work. I was always the woman with the disabled child and now I am the woman whose child died. I guess I am used to being on the edge of society but I am not used to this pain. Quite a few of the SN mums I know - luckily not all - seem embarrassed to see me, which is so ironic. In all the challenges we faced raising Sean, I sought practical solutions, joined committees, helped run groups etc. Now I find myself in a situation where there is no practical solution, no goals to work for. I spend a lot of time debating the nature of existence in my head..and finding no answers.

I'm facing Sean's first anniversary on the 9th July. Since almost collapsing a few months ago and going on AD's (thank you Citalopram), I feel quite numb. I feel relieved not to be in agony, but worried at how cut off I feel. I ran my fingers through his ashes last week, to try and connect, but I felt nothing. Why? I am always bracing myself for the next tsunami of grief. The infamous second year scares me more than his anniversary.

The one thing I like is that I feel Sean is next to me, by my right shoulder, slightly out of sight. He is there all the time. I know he's not, but I am comforted by this feeling,

Much love to all of you xxx

saintVera so sad for you.
good you feel him so close to you, he is there.

if you have no other children to keep you busy I can understand that you feel aimless.

do you have any counselling? I have no words of wisdom. so sorry for your loss!

( hugs)

SaintVera

I am facing James' first anniversary on the 3rd of July. It is frightening how out of control I feel.

I think of you often. You, expat and myself are all facing the first anniversary at pretty much the same time. What an awful connection to have.

I think that we have to do and be whatever feels right at the time.

Thinking of you as always xxx

saintvera - glad you posted - sorry that I have no magic words that will help.

One thing I can promise - and I have said it many times on here, but it is the absolute truth. Time 'changes' these horrible feelings. I still have days when I cant believe its happened but now they are few and far between. 31 years since my twin boy died and 21 years since my third son was killed. That awful agonising physical and mental pain has changed. It has been replaced by thinking of the fun times we had together AND the utter longing to see them again if only for a few minutes.

My Mum just said to me, on the phone, 'even having Alzheimers doesn't make me forget about our lads - I miss them so much love.'

dear saintvera and mumof2, may I reiterate the wise words of shabba. I am only 19 months down this 'crappy path' of grief and loss, but I can tell you that while the intensity of my love for Mia has not diminished one iota, the intensity and rawness of the pain has reduced. Yes, I have days of sadness when I can't believe my life has taken this terrible turn, and moments of utter bewilderment that my beautiful redheaded child is gone... but now I think more of her joyful little presence and her amazing smiles and bounces of joy. Mumof you are right, do just what feels right. xx

snorris you probably won't be able to believe these words. In my early days of grief about Mia, I would never have believed them either - but I did cling to kind, reassuring words shared by shabba and the other amazing women who support this thread.

saint vera, I have often thought of you, sorry to hear you are struggling so much
i'm not much futher down the path than you and I still really really struggle too
I just try and trust what other people say that it will feel less raw in time

my five thinking of you, hoping it all going well today

love to everyone else too

and whoever said the child you lose, take up just as much if not more headspace than anyother children you have is totally true,
ds is on my mind just as much if not more than dd

I often think of that person that said that

white the head space thing, yes, so true!

you know, a lot of people, make comments to me like you won't be getting much sleep soon, as the bump is v noticeable now

yet they don't realise, I've had way way way more sleepless nights about/over ds than I ever have had with dd

Morning girls xx

I watched it as well, made me feel 'better'. What I am feeling is 'normal' it is a beautifully made, thoughtful video.

It made me realise how far down this 'crappy path' myself and my family have walked.....its the best thing I have watched in many, many years xxx

I agree as well - what we are all feeling is 'normal.' xx

I watched it and now I'm more confused about how I feel . I don't know if I've dealt with it in some ways over the last 7 years, if I'm in denial & blocking it out or is it all going to hit me at some inappropriate moment? I do have moments of sadness. On Sunday dd5 went to a party & another little girl had a bear just like Seren's. Someone has drawn on the tablecloth which is exactly the sort of thing she would have done but of course she isn't here to do it. Even having strawberries last night - she would have been straight in there to make sure she got some.

Snorris I think that every individual person has their 'own way' of grieving. Then when you talk to each other they have all grieved the same way - if that makes any sense at all? I could (and still do sometimes) go from raging anger to smiling to crying all in the same hour. I think because you knew your precious girl was so poorly you will have been trying to 'get used' to what would happen but from reading how you feel it still sounds normal to me. Have read this back and its a very weird message!! All I mean to say is that we all do what we have to on our crappy journey xxx

thanks for posting that film Shabba

it made me cry when one father said: "I have good friends I wish I had never met"

just what you said about this thread.

one of difficult things for me is when I hear people talking about how their child died or why ( as in injury, illness etc) not only I have no answer but deep inside I feel like a fraud.

because I "only" had a MC.
not that people who lost a child ever said it.
It's just a paranoia that what if anyone thinks that I have no right to grief because I didn't bury her.

I'm glad I was spared from having stillborn baby or seeing my alive child die & having to bury her, but then my grief is or should be lesser too, as my experience of loosing a child is "not as bad" as others.
because in a way it isn't.

I hate those thoughts. I hope they won't upset anyone. I can't say these thoughts in RL - they only fill up that head space white was talking about.

Anybody who has carried a child and then been bereaved of that child has those thoughts - we know they are irrational but our head argues with itself.

When a child, of any age, and through any circumstances dies it is our hopes and dreams that die as well.

hi everyone, have some good news to share, the baby had his second echocardiogram today,[heart scan]
and all is well all is normal
we have now been discharged from great Ormond street
they do not want to see us again so great news

just need to try and keep calm and keep taking things one day at a time, like I have been doing

of course i'm still full of worries, like will he look just like ds, and will I keep calling him ds name, or will anything terrible still happen
what with meeting friends from sands etc and realising how many people do lose children either before or shortly after birth
I know seem to know a lot of people that have lost a child, I guess we all attract/seek each other out in some way

but for today, I need to try and be relieved

Thank you for the link shabba, although I didn't get past the first minute and a half :(
I lost my job last week; lovely boss told me over the phone in the week of DS3's remember day (which she knew).
I have a good mind to send her that link.
Love to everyone x