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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

For My Dear Friend . With All My Love

15 replies

mrsforgetful · 15/01/2004 13:08

I am starting this thread to offer some help to my friend of 30 years. We have never met- she is Australian and i am in England- but we have been penpals all this time.

I feel so helpless as she has just emailed me to tell me she has lost 2 of her triplets and has been told the 3rd will die too.

Mumsnet supports me through the challenges i have with 2 autistic children (on the special needs threads) so felt this was the best place i could go for help

I will email her a link to this page so hope she will find some comfort from all of you who have been where she is now. Thankyou

Here is a summary of what she has said:-

In early December she found
out that she was pregnant though was on the contraceptive pill

There were some problems with the pregnancy and she didn't tell anybody. She was sent for an ultrasound to find out if I'd lost
the baby. She was told she was carrying triplets.So far she has lost one and it's
nearly all gone, one of the others is dead inside her and the last one is not going to make it.

She feels guilty and feels she could have done something.She feels distant from her 2 young children,husband and other family."

OP posts:
Hulababy · 15/01/2004 13:12

How awful for her and her family. To lose a baby is terrible at any time but to lose three babies must be heart breaking. Send her my best wishes

Guilt is pretty common after a loss. I think it is part of the grieving process. She must give herslef time to grieve her babies. Sje couldn't have done anything to prevent this though.

Best wished to her and her family at this horrid time

Janstar · 15/01/2004 13:14

How terribly sad. What can anyone say or do except that they are so sorry she is having to go through this, and of course, it is not her fault. I hope that mumsnet can be of support through this, I hope she feels very welcomed here.

Sending hugs and sympathy to you and your friend.

ThomCat · 15/01/2004 13:17

Your poor, poor friend. Words fail me. What can you say to someone who is going through such pain.
I can only hope that she will close the distance between her family and become closer to them than ever before. I hope she realises that it has nothing to do with anything that she has done.
My thoughts are with her and her family.

ThomCat · 15/01/2004 13:18

BTW - Mrs Forgetful - what a lovely thing to do - she's lucky to have you in her life.

Marina · 15/01/2004 13:26

Mrs Forgetful, I'm so sorry for your friend. Losing babies does often make you feel very alone and apart from your family and friends. In the UK, the Miscarriage Association offers support to people whose pregnancy ends with the baby's death, I hope there is a similar organisation in Australia.
It's normal to feel very guilty about the death of an unborn baby and feel you could somehow have stopped it happening. But she must understand that she is not to blame. I hope someone has been able to reassure her that continuing to take the pill because she did not know about the pregnancy will not have caused the babies' deaths.
I hope she is also getting kind, sympathetic medical support at such a harrowing time.
Lots of us on here have lost babies at various points in our pregnancies and can imagine how she is feeling.
Please send her and her family hugs.

coppertop · 15/01/2004 13:33

Your poor friend. Please send her all our love and sympathy. She will be in our thoughts. xxx

clairabelle · 15/01/2004 13:36

Just to say how heartbreaking for your friend, she must be devastated
I think it is natural to feel guilty but I'm sure there was nothing she could have done.
Wish there was more to say to help heal her pain, sending sympathy, hugs and all good wishes.

GRMUM · 15/01/2004 16:07

Very sorry to hear what your friend is going through. Sympathy and love from me too.

What a wonderful friend you are.

Original poster
mrsforgetful · 15/01/2004 16:20

I've just read all that you have said- and i have goosebumps!! I am touched by all your kindness- and so grateful to have never experienced anything like this myself.

OP posts:
hana · 15/01/2004 16:25

What heartbreaking news - Hope your friend is getting support and lots of love - you are a good friend to have thought of how you can support her right now. Will be thinking of you both,
hana

bunny3 · 15/01/2004 21:40

How terribly sad. your poor friend. I am still raw from my second miscarriage, it takes a long time to heal emotionally, your friend must give herself all the time she needs. People can assume because you are functioning on the outside you must be over your grief but it doesnt work like that. People need to understand that the grief a mother feels for the loss of her unborn child is as strong as any other grief. The momnet a woman finds out she is pregnant she is investing love and hope in her unborn child and the loss of that hope is agonising.

I still cry, I still feel angry and most of all I feel an enormous sense of loss for what could have been. I also felt tremendous guilt that my body had failed my unborn children. The guilt is totally natural but also totally misplaced. Guilt is not constructive and only adds to the terrible despair. Your friend shouldnt feel guilty but I expect she does as does every other woman who has miscarried. Accept the guilt as part of the grieving process, eventually it will go.

If your friend has internet access she could read the other discussions in the miscarriage section or even start her own. The support here certainly helped me.

Big hug to your friend
Bunny

Dmum · 15/01/2004 21:59

Don't really have very much to add to what's already been said, just that your friend and her family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Original poster
mrsforgetful · 16/01/2004 01:01

Because we have been in touch for so long (depite the fact that in the last 10 years since we've both began families...and the contact has lessened)...I still feel so much for her pain....we started writing at 13 and for the first 2 or 3 years we both posted letters as often as 3 times a week- we sent 'silly' little bits and pieces and i can remember being 'amazed' that they ate 'Sunday Roast Dinners' in australia! We continued to write frequently whilst we 'grew' into young ladies and both shared our thoughts on 'motherhood' .This is what makes it so hard for me- I know she always wanted a large family- and she has a twin sister who has i think had 5 or 6 boys....they are very close- and i think sometimes the closeness can make it harder when something so tragic happens- her sister probably doesn't know what to say.
I am scared she will be upset that i did this on mumsnet- but it is annonymous- so i hope she feels able to join and post here too.If she was near me then i'd be there making her cups of tea and listening- picking her kids up from school etc- just the small things that are so hard- but i cannot and all i hope is that she can get through the barrier and begin to talk to her mum and sister- i think it's also so hard too when nobody knows you were pregnant and they innocently make remarks about how miserable you look etc....i suppose its as bad when everyone knew you were pregnant and then innocently ask how the pregnancy is going - when you have lost the babes. If you are reading this in Australia- please feel the genuine concerne from all these other mums who are have though tof you today XXXXX

OP posts:
Festivefly · 16/01/2004 01:36

I've just read all your posts again, words fail me, sh@t just sh@t, thank god shes got you

juicypips · 17/01/2004 15:32

mrsforgetful, i am so sorry for your dear friend, this just brings tears to my eyes. am truly thinking of her right now.

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