This isn't perhaps technically the right place - but it felt most appropriate... just wanted your collective thoughts and experiences to help me through the next few weeks and months, as I feel at a bit of a loss...
My Mum is very ill with secondary cancer. She's 74, and has managed to fight it, with some success, for the last 6-7 years (or perhaps even more - it seems ages).
In the past month or so she has suddenly deteriorated rapidly. She is now in hospital, and although she is having some chemotherapy the consultant has more or less told me this is a 'last ditch' attempt. She is breathless, using oyxgen, can no longer even walk to the bathroom, and appears to be fading fast.
My Dad is with her, visiting her, getting her anything she needs, and generally being the fantastic, supportive soul he has always been throughout her illness.
Meanwhile I am 350 miles away with two young children and a full-time job, and I feel so helpless. I've spoken to her consultant and the hospital to make sure I understand her condition etc, and in 2 days time I am going there for the weekend (on my own - not with dh & kids - we felt it would be too much...)
My mind is just so full of thoughts and Qs though, and I can't sleep for worrying about it all:
- while she's in this condition and in hospital how often should I be trying to get to see her? What's fair to her/ DH & kids and also my Dad (in terms of giving him my support)
- what can/should I say do? Given the distance, every visit has the potential to feel so 'final'
- what could I do to help, make this final period more bearable?
- if, and when, the final hours are near, will I have time to get to her?
And then at the same time I feel guilty that i'm not closer (geographically) and also guilty about thinking so negatively - if they are still treating her, perhaps we should still be hoping for some possibility of success?
I also have an elder brother, who is about 150 miles away. I'm not particularly close to him (for all sorts of reasons not relevant here) and he is also causing me anguish at the moment. Although he is in touch with Dad and aware of the situation he seems to be completely in denial as to the seriousness of Mum's condition. When I asked if he was going to visit she gave me some crap about how he couldn't just 'drop' his work (he's a freelancer) and how I didn't understand, and how he didn't have a partner to support him or pay the bills blah, blah, blah. He also kept talking about "when Mum came home" and how we'd have to find her things to do etc. When I suggested that she might not be coming home he just accused me of being negative. The final straw was when he suggested that Dad was trying to persuade Mum to stay in hospital as he couldn't be bothered to keep visiting (which is absolute rubbish - the fact is, Mum cannot even get to the bathroom, and is having blood tests everyday).
Sorry for rambling - this just all feels so unreal and new to me, as it is the first time I've been so close to a dying relative