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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Mum is dying and I feel so helpless...

58 replies

Mo2 · 14/01/2004 14:13

This isn't perhaps technically the right place - but it felt most appropriate... just wanted your collective thoughts and experiences to help me through the next few weeks and months, as I feel at a bit of a loss...

My Mum is very ill with secondary cancer. She's 74, and has managed to fight it, with some success, for the last 6-7 years (or perhaps even more - it seems ages).
In the past month or so she has suddenly deteriorated rapidly. She is now in hospital, and although she is having some chemotherapy the consultant has more or less told me this is a 'last ditch' attempt. She is breathless, using oyxgen, can no longer even walk to the bathroom, and appears to be fading fast.
My Dad is with her, visiting her, getting her anything she needs, and generally being the fantastic, supportive soul he has always been throughout her illness.
Meanwhile I am 350 miles away with two young children and a full-time job, and I feel so helpless. I've spoken to her consultant and the hospital to make sure I understand her condition etc, and in 2 days time I am going there for the weekend (on my own - not with dh & kids - we felt it would be too much...)

My mind is just so full of thoughts and Qs though, and I can't sleep for worrying about it all:

while she's in this condition and in hospital how often should I be trying to get to see her? What's fair to her/ DH & kids and also my Dad (in terms of giving him my support)
what can/should I say do? Given the distance, every visit has the potential to feel so 'final'
what could I do to help, make this final period more bearable?
if, and when, the final hours are near, will I have time to get to her?

And then at the same time I feel guilty that i'm not closer (geographically) and also guilty about thinking so negatively - if they are still treating her, perhaps we should still be hoping for some possibility of success?

I also have an elder brother, who is about 150 miles away. I'm not particularly close to him (for all sorts of reasons not relevant here) and he is also causing me anguish at the moment. Although he is in touch with Dad and aware of the situation he seems to be completely in denial as to the seriousness of Mum's condition. When I asked if he was going to visit she gave me some crap about how he couldn't just 'drop' his work (he's a freelancer) and how I didn't understand, and how he didn't have a partner to support him or pay the bills blah, blah, blah. He also kept talking about "when Mum came home" and how we'd have to find her things to do etc. When I suggested that she might not be coming home he just accused me of being negative. The final straw was when he suggested that Dad was trying to persuade Mum to stay in hospital as he couldn't be bothered to keep visiting (which is absolute rubbish - the fact is, Mum cannot even get to the bathroom, and is having blood tests everyday).

Sorry for rambling - this just all feels so unreal and new to me, as it is the first time I've been so close to a dying relative

OP posts:

wilbur · 17/01/2004 10:43

Mo2 - just checking in to say I hope your weekend visit to your Mum went okay.

Also wanted to say that tigermoth's idea about contacting friends if she would like to see them is a very good one. I have been enormously comforted by the fact that my Dad had a few lovely visits in the days before he died - from one of his oldest and dearest friends, his sister from Scotland, a favourite nephew, and long-term neighbours. They were all instructed not to get heavy and it worked very well and was a positive thing for him.

jodee · 18/01/2004 21:14

Mo2, I've just seen this thread and wanted to send my love and best wishes to you and your family at such a sad and difficult time. Keep posting if you can, let us know how things are.
Thinking of you, J xxx

Original poster

Mo2 · 26/01/2004 12:51

Thought I'd better post and give an update for everyone who has been so kind with their help, support and good wishes.
Mum is still 'fighting' bless her, but is getting progressively weaker.

It was good that I went and saw her the weekend after I posted. It was actually all fairly straightforward - my Dad & I went into the hospital to see her each day, and he also left me to spend some time on my own with her. In the event, I took my cue from her, and all our conversations were just fairly normal. I did take in some photos of the kids etc but we didn't get into any heavy discussions about e.g. my childhood or anything.

Anyway, she's been in hospital since then, but is actually being discharged today to 'go home'. This isn't because she's got any better - more I think, simply that there is nothing else they can do for her in hospital.
My Dad is really keen to get her home because I think he senses that she has been finding the hospital environment stressful/ upsetting. However when she gets home she will be almost confined to bed/ one room, since she needs constant oxygen and simply does not have the strength to move about.
I asked my Dad about going there again later this week, but he thinks we should wait to see how Mum is when she gets home, so I have to respect that.
Also, my brother has finally realised the significance of everything that is happening, and is going there on Wed/Thurs.

The thing that is now rather frustrating is that there does not seem to have been any communication with Mum or Dad about the basis on which they are discharging her.
Given her conditon, I can't believe they would be considering any further chemotherapy treatment, but nevertheless I think someone ought to have at least told them what was happening/ what decisions had led to them discharging her. I'm also a little worried about my Dad's ability to look after her - not necessarily physically, but perhaps more the emotional impact it will have on him. He will have nursing staff visiting twice a day, but I still worry about him.

Anyway - I'll let you know how things go. Thanks again for help and advice.

OP posts:

suedonim · 26/01/2004 13:56

Thank you for taking the time to update, Mo2. It's a little odd that no one is really telling your dad what's what with your mum. Maybe there will be a 'conference' before she leaves the hospital? Has your father spoken to his GP? I think they should be able to set up any necessary services. Take care.

ThomCat · 26/01/2004 14:20

Yeah thanks for the update. Thinking of you. xx

ragtaggle · 26/01/2004 15:20

MO2- Just wanted to add my support and sympathy for what you are going through. My dad died of lung cancer at the age of 59 two years ago and your post reminded me of all the awful periphery questions that that situation brought about. I can only share with you some of my experience and hope it helps you reach a decision about how to handle the situation.

When my dad was diagnosed we only had three weeks from diagnosis to death but he went into hospital immediately so we knew it was serious. I only lived a hundred miles away and was childless so it was easier for me than for you but I decided to drop everything for a while. ( I notified work I wouldn't be coming in for a while and cancelled a planned holiday)

We didn't know for sure that he was going to die soon but I do remember calling a meeting with the doctors and asking them to be straight with us about how long he had. Although they couldn't put a figure on it I could tell from their faces (Evasive, uncomfortable) that it wasn't long. I don't know whether you feel up to asking anyone at the hospital but it was my conversation with the doctors that made me persuade his two sisters not to head home just yet.

Myself and my sisters were with him when he died at five o clock the next morning.I'd read somewhere that hearing is the last sense to go so as he died I told him how much we all loved him and would always do so. It was - as these things are bound to be- incredibly painful but I take some comfort in thinking that these were the last words he heard.

As for what we talked about in those three weeks...everything and nothing really. We also took mountains of photos in and decorated his room with them. We were guided by him though as he took a very upfront attitude to it. I'm sure there's no 'right' things to do and say at a time like this.

All I can say is good luck in getting through this time. I'll be thinking of you.

Original poster

Mo2 · 26/01/2004 15:35

Sorry - forgot to make clear - there has been lots of support from the 'community' health team - equipment/ mobility aids etc being delivered. It's just communication at the hospital I find a little strange.
However I have the number of her consultant, so will call if necessary, if things aren't clear.

OP posts:

wilbur · 26/01/2004 15:45

I'm glad you felt your visit was good Mo2, or as good as it could be under the circumstances. Your mother sounds like a very brave woman. Regarding the doctors not really being forthcoming about prognosis and so on, I feel that this can be quite common. Doctors like to save people and are often evasive when asked what is happening with someone that they can no longer help. It's understandable really. Did you have any chance to speak to the palliative care people at the hospital? They might be a little clearer to talk to, and be able to guide your father and you about what to expect. I would definitely give your Mum's consultant a call if you feel unsure about what's going on. I think coming home is a very positive thing, far nicer for both your parents than being in hospital, and I'm sure your father will be able to cope, people find extraordinary strength at these times.

Original poster

Mo2 · 26/01/2004 15:56

Thanks Wilbur - you're right, I think my Dad WILL cope, and in fact I know that he wants to look after Mum at this stage (you would, after 40 years, wouldn't you?) I just want to help in whatever way I can - and actually this may not be actually by being there in person, since in some ways this would actually be a disruption to what they are used to?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mo2 · 17/02/2004 22:06

Thought I'd post an update since everyone was so kind and helpful with this a few weeks ago.
Mum died peacefully in the early hours of this morning. Over the few days she had become very ill and was being given all her drugs intravenously, so in many ways this comes as a relief, though clearly it's also very sad.

The doctors/nursing staff were obviously expecting it, as they convinced my dad to have an overnight nurse last night to stay with him. At about 1.30 am she woke him up to say that Mum's breathing was getting fainter. He and the nurse were there with her and it was very peaceful, although she wasn't really conscious.

I'm now here with my Dad (travelled up at lunchtime) and helping with all the arrangements.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who posted about this - I'm sure I may need you again in the weeks and months ahead...
Mo2

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 17/02/2004 22:09

I'm so sorry Mo2.

Hulababy · 17/02/2004 22:10

So sorry Mo2. Take care.

suedonim · 17/02/2004 23:02

I'm sorry to hear your news, Mo2. Take care.

eemie · 17/02/2004 23:09

Mo2, I'm sorry for your loss. Tried to post to you before, but it doesn't seem to have appeared on the thread. You know I'm nearby. Anything I can do...

pie · 17/02/2004 23:10

My thoughts are with you and your family Mo2.

pie xx

stupidgirl · 17/02/2004 23:15

I didn't post before as I felt I had nothing helpful to add. I'm so sorry Mo2. Best wishes to you and your family.

mears · 17/02/2004 23:15

Mo2 - so sorry to read your news. It sounds as though your mum got excellent care at home and I am sure it would have meant a lot to her and your dad for her to be at home at that time.
Take care, mears.

mammya · 18/02/2004 00:06

Sorry for your loss MO2. Take care.

GenT · 18/02/2004 05:32

I saw this thread about the same time my MIL was on her downhill battle, but couldn't bring the words to post.

I am sorry and thinking about you and your family. You will get through this. She is no longer suffering. Hugs to you. Take care.

robinw · 18/02/2004 07:50

message withdrawn

SecondhandRose · 18/02/2004 10:25

MO2, so sorry to hear about your Mum. Please keep posting it really helps to 'speak' to others about it. I found it really comforting to talk about my Dad even though you are all total strangers.

My children 8 and 4 didn't go to Dad's funeral and didn't see him in the last stages either. I am happy with these decisions. My 8yr old was given the choice, decided to stay away but came for the 'party' afterwards.

We are all here for you.

WSM · 18/02/2004 10:37

Oh Mo2, big hugs and lots of sympathy. Look after yourself.

WSM
xx

bundle · 18/02/2004 10:44

MO2, lots of love & hugs for you, at this very difficult time for you & your family, x

SoupDragon · 18/02/2004 10:48

Hugs. Take care...

fio2 · 18/02/2004 10:50

So so sorry to hear of the death of your Mother Mo2. Many sympathies((((()))))

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