Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

[mummylin2495]

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

Yes, I've always been BadRoly, don't know how to name change

Biscuits sounds lovely, Dad's 70th shoud have been last October. It felt like a huge hurdle to get over but we did! Having a get together is a cracking idea.

Sorry it's been a bad day for you today biscuitsits so sad isn't it when normally we would of been giving our loved ones birthday gifts.
It's blowing a gale here at the moment and locally expecting to be floods ! X

Hi badroly. Sorry I couldn't remember. Can't believe it's nearly 12 months I've been in this thread.

Is anyone rise rubbish and remembering things now? In really rubbish now, although I'm quite surprised sometimes what I do remember!

Guys remind me to either check what types or not to type on my phone! Lol! Anyone else* that was meant to read!!

So any of you guys got snow?

No sadly no snow here,I am so envious of the places that are expecting a lot of it.I have always loved it since I was a child and I haven't changed even now ! Gonna eat my cheeses and biscuits that dh has just bought in for me night all x

Good morning,how many of you have woken up to snow ? Just rain rain and more rain here and windy too. Well today is breakfast out day,although its not till lunchtime so more like brunch! We are so lucky in my town that houses don't get flooded,but we do have rivers that will probably burst their banks so the fields and some roads will be flooded. I. Will go to the crem on Sunday ,I imagine that all the flowers are now horrible. Today there is a funeral for a 16 yr old girl who was knocked off her scooter by a car which didn't stop.they are still searching for it.you may of read this story in national newspapers,so I wouldn't even think of going there today as they say they expect 2 or 3 hundred people to attend. How awful for the family. So many terrible things happening to people everywhere x

Hi everyone!

Hope your all going along not too bad? Where is the sun, this weather is driving me mad!! I got some daffodils which were only buds I thought there is no way they bloom well i woke up this morning and they were all blooming, this really is lovely to see, they were a £1 from sainsburys a very good buy!

I went out with my very good friend and had a good drink and a good boogie which i needed, its nice as she talks about my mum and we talk about a lot of things.

Im not doing too bad, some horrendous times bit worse than i have dealt since her passing, but im trying to still stay above the water.

little flurries of snow but nothing big, now lots of rain!! Come on spring!!

xx

What is this spring you mention ? The daffs that you buy are really food value,I also buy those sometimes a di amamazedhow quickly they bloom. But in saying that I last took flowers up the crem on Mother's Day and stuck some of those daffs on my sisters grave,I was amazed when went there today to see that they were all out and still perfect.the damn squirrels had eaten all the heads off some of the flowers but a lot were ok soi just removed the headless ones and put some new ones in with the others that were still ok.it was bitterly cold like the last time I went there so we didn't hang around there too long. Sounds like you had an enjoyable time with your friend,I'm glad to hear that. We had our friend round last night who lost his mum recently,he actually came just todo something to dh phone,but dh goes to the pub on saturdays so Said friend stayed here with me and we both talked about our mums and our feelings.then we had a few goes with the 4 pictures one word puzzles,so that lightened us both up a lot. He is very sad at the moment,and I really felt for him.he also mentioned ,as we have all done how many people seem to be so unsympathetic. It seems to be a general theme. Hope the rest of you are all ok on this horrible cold/ wet/ snowy weekend xx

Hi all!
Hope everyones okay.
I wasn't too bad on dads birthday. We took some flowers to the crematorium where his ashes are now scattered, the same place as mums. We still have to get mums plaque changed to a joint one for dad as well. My way of coping is to not allow myself to think about things. I feel that if I stopped to think about what I've lost in the last 14 months I wouldn't get through each day. So I don't think, I don't cry, I just carry on as though everything's normal. Does everyone do this?

I'm getting my tattoo next week, eeek! I went to see the final design at the weekend and I love it!
And something else to look forward to is a holiday to Lapland at christmas! Dh and I felt that we've had a rubbish time of it lately so we are using some of the money that's been left to us to do something amazing. I've always wanted to go, I don't know who's more excited, dd's or me!

The daffs sound lovely t875, I brought some red tulips. I've been buying flowers regularly for indoors. I think we need some colour in our lives with all this dull grey weather.

mummylin that must have been nice for your friend to chat with you about your mums. It does help talking with someone who knows what you're going through.

Take care xx

can I join? Am not actually bereaved yet but my Mum (after 2 years fighting a very aggressive cancer ahich has included a major op, radio and chemo therapy) is in the home straight now - on morphine and not really able to eat.

i recognise a lot of what you guys have been saying - I cry very randomly (but am completely business like typing this) and find it hard to see the point in much (cannot get myself out for a run despite having run marathons regularly over the last 7 years). I'm also drinking and eating too much.

I have also managed to be very rude to my in laws. They are both in excellent health despite being overweight and inactive (the exact opposite to my Mum). I'm really not sure how to handle that going forward and feel sure that others must have had the same experience?

So - I guess I would like support but also any tips that you have for staying sane through what's to come. Any pointers for the funeral? Am thinking I would like to do a eulogy - anyone done that? Is is possible to remain unemotional while doing it?

Oh hatsy - I really feel for you. I was in the same position a couple of months ago and it's so madly unfair - also had the same problem with running! (Don't suppose you have a random relative in the medical profession who keeps calling you to find out what drugs the hospital have given your mum on any given date, do you?)

For myself, I was lucky(ish) in that I had relatives and friends who had been in my position before and I could vent to - I found a lot of people expected me to be solemn and reverent all the time which really isn't me; those who had gone through it were more able to have a laugh at the funny bits, if that makes sense. This thread is great for that too. I could be as amused, resentful or whatever as I liked and I knew people would get it.

The unfairness really struck me too - I knew I would probably throttle anyone who said "And did she smoke?" - Mum was pretty healthy, never smoked, and her non-high-risk status was part of what meant her diagnosis was too late ('must be a chest infection as you've never smoked'). I still get the rage at lots of the cancer awareness things 'don't smoke and eat lots of vegetables and you can help BEAT CANCER!!' - well, yeah. Cancer doesn't look at a diet sheet and say 'well, she's eaten an orange this morning, so I'll move on to the chain smoker down the road'. I sent a rather grumpy email to our HR team after they'd started a 'BEAT CANCER!' campaign along these lines; to date I still have a job...

The best advice I got at this stage, ironically from someone who has no kids of their own, was to keep as much to a normal routine for my daughter as possible. Knowing I had to get her from nursery in the afternoons, make sure her clothes were ready in the morning, make sure I gave her a bath and put her to bed, really helped - I was on auto-pilot but it gave me something seperate to do and I could switch off my 'hospice head' for that time. Do you have DCs?

As for drinking and eating too much - join the club! I figured at that time that this was a very temporary time in my life and so long as I didn't go completely overboard it was fine.

I would take it one step at a time at this stage. I found organising the funeral much more straightforward than I thought it would be, and it was good that Dad and I had something to do together. Didn't feel I could manage a eulogy myself, but it was nice to contribute to it.

vlad -thank you! I have lots of v kind friends but only one who has been through similar and don't really feel I can burden her with everything... I don't have a relative in the medical profession but I do have a Dad who's a pharmacist and who has been v anal about getting the details of every medication at every stage.... Very tiring!

I do have children (aged 8 and 6) and their routines are so complicated that it does take some focus to get them right - I her what you're saying about the autopilot bit....

oh yes. the beat cancer thing - my Mum did everything right and (like yours?) has ended up with lung cancer. She sounds like she's a 40 a day girl at the mo.

Also hear what you say about humour. Ironically it is the friend who also lost her Mum to cancer that I can laugh with. I'm mainly OK - it's just when people are too kind/sympathetic that I get teary.... Am wondering if a round robin email updating people would be useful?

phew - back to work.....

No worries hatsy. Lung cancer is a terrible disease and one of the saddest things is how all-consuming it is: Mum couldn't do the 'during my break in chemo I'll go for a nice long holiday with everyone' as her lungs couldn't deal with it.

I ended up doing a round-robin thing which worked pretty well; a top tip if you're emailing people who you don't know all that well is to bcc everyone on the list. I didn't, and ended up receiving a load of random emails from people who those on my list had passed the message on to, which was really upsetting for some reason (especially when they didn't identify themselves in the email..)
If you bcc then your email address won't be forwarded to all and sundry when Distribution List Person A decides to send the entire retirement fellowship your email.. (not that I speak from personal experience at all, oh no, not me..)

I see what you mean about 8 and 6.. mine's not quite 3 yet so things are still relatively structured, but it must go out of the window once school starts.

PM me if you need to vent (or giggle) at any time.

Hi Hatsy. My Dad died last May almost 2 years after his cancer diagnosis.

Despite knowing it was coming, it was still a 'shock' when he actually died. Shock isn't the right word but I can't think of it. But we did get the time to say goodbye and say everything that needed to be said.

I wrote a letter to both my parents maybe a month before Dad died. It was everything I wanted to say to both of them but couldn't. Good things. Thank you etc.

Dad's funeral was in 2 parts due to his 'standing in the community'! The Crem service was by invitation only to family and friends.

We then went to my parent's house where we provided a light lunch for relatives who had had to travel.

Then we had a Service of Celebration at the local Abbey. A vicar who had worked with Dad led the service but it was mostly eulogies/speeches by a selection of people from different areas of Dad's life.

Mum asked me to read my letter, my brother to read a prayer Dad had requested in his will and my eldest dd (then aged 10) to read a poem she'd written the night Dad died. Dd went first and set the bar high for the rest of us. It was a lovely service and in some ways, I wish someone had filmed it.

I hope that's helpful and not too self centred x

not self centred at all - understanding how others have approached/survived this is exactly what I need right now. thank you both.

I had contemplated writing a letter. Visits are a bit odd at the moment - we all sit around looking at each other not knowing what to say. While we did say a lot of the hard stuff when she was initially diagnosed, I think there is still more to say. Will mull that one over for a while....

think am going to go with the round robin idea - just to update everyone and ask that no one speaks to me about it. it's the well-meant "So how's your Mum?" queries that catch me off balance....

The round robin sounds like a great idea. I know Mum was emailing various people in the last couple of weeks but different emails to different groups. So the one me and my brother got was different to ex colleagues and so on.

I don't know if you have any contact with children's bereavement services to help with your dc. Here in Cornwall we have a charity called Penhaligon's Friends who we able to give us some brilliant advice and support for our dc. My dh's stepfather died 4 days before my Dad so the dc really were hit hard - losing 2/3 of their grandads within a week.

The reactions by the 2 families were very different. Mil didn't want children to see her sad or at the funeral. Due to logistics, I took our dc to the wake afterwards which helped my dc deal with it. They went to my Dad's funeral though, my dc4 walloping his cousin of the same age over the head as the hearse arrived was a much needed moment of light relief...

LOL at the kids walloping each other - my 2 are quite....erm..... feisty with each other at the moment so not sure their attendance at the funeral would be helpful.

TBH I haven't given their reaction to this that much thought. I have tried to communicate to the older one just how serious this is without actually mentioning death. And they have both seen her unwell over the past 2 years so this will not come as a shock. But I should look into it - I ran a half marathon for the child bereavement trust a few years ago, I wonder if they have any standard advice?

At the moment each time I visit I am taking just one of the children - so that Mum (and they) get the cuddles and smiles but without the bickering. Makes for a more relaxed day (Mum lives 2 hours away so popping in is pretty hard).

It is difficult not being close - we moved 400miles from my parents a few months before Dad's diagnosis! It's a 6 hour drive on a good run...

Ooh biscuits what tattoo are you having done.i am so pleased that I had my mum one done.glad you are doing ok.
hatsy welcome to this thread. You must be going through a very sad time. Difficult to advise as you don't yet know how you will actually feel at the time. Hope you still have quite a bit of time with your mum.
vlad have you had your scan yet ? What a lovely time you have ahead of you, of course you must realise that we will all be honoury aunts !!!

Love the honoury aunts idea!
mummylin I'm having two butterflies, a pink one for mum and a blue one for dad, and some swirling patterns around them so they look as if they are flying. I will try and put a picture on my profile when I've had it done.

It sounds great biscuits. I look forward to seeing it. Have you got any more or is it your first ? Butterflies are like life ,beautiful but very fragile

ooh hatsy what a time for you all. Hope you dont mind me asking have the dr's said she is near to the end? I did speak to a child bereavement charity called winstons wish and they sent me a book called muddy puddles it has a lot of little projects for them, I must admit we havent done it...yet..im going to see how my eldest takes the first year of her passing. Its is very hard though, with my mum there was no chance of her coming back as she had a massive stroke although she didnt take her last breath till 6 days after. I did tell the girls that she was in a deep sleep and the dr's are doing all they can for her but its not looking good. They werent too bad. I tried very hard to stick to routines, concentrate on what was coming up. My eldest was leaving juniors and into seniors so that was very hard, but i tried very hard to keep it a positive experience for her and with the olympics and jubilee, i was crumbling inside crying on and off going through all these things without my mum. They saw me cry they were a great comfort to me they know they could talk to me too.

Biscuits - look forward to seeing your tattoo! Sounds lovely!!
mummylin - know what you mean about the daffs they do look lovely.
ssd -thinking of you always
vlad - hi, hope your ok, how have you been feeling?
Hi to everyone else on the thread, thinking of you all. xx

Aw, so happy to have honorary aunties for DC2!
Still at the groggy stage: work is quite stressful but I have an interview tomorrow, so keeping my fingers crossed for that. Have had to put some of my clothes in storage already so not sure how long I can keep the bump from showing!
Scan is on the 15th which really seems ages away: Easter meant that it was delayed a bit, but at least we'll have a clear picture.
I started getting anxiety attacks at the weekend which I haven't had for years: it was awful as I had to explain to DD what was going on while it was happening, I felt so helpless. I think it's the cumulative effect of everything that's happened - good and bad - over the last few months, but I'll be glad for the break over Easter to get a little head space. Starting to draw some cartoons as well which helps a bit when I have five minutes..

Biscuits the tattoo sounds lovely. Sounds like you and mummylin have made the resting places look really nice in spite of the horrible weather!
Roly I love the story of the kids walloping each other..
Thinking of you all..

Vlad - congratulations to you - hope the scan goes well!

Biscuits - tattoo sounds like a lovely idea -I'd be tempted if my Mum hadn't always been very vocal in her disdain for them!

t875 - the Marsden said 3-6 months about 6 weeks ago so guess we are down to 1.5 - 4.5 months if they are correct. We are skiing next week (booked it a year ago) - so am keeping everything crossed that she doesn't deteriorate while we are away.

To be honest. I hadn't really given any though to the kids in all of this - they have been very calm and I have gently updated them over the past 2 years. They seem OK with it all and have both been seeing her on a regular basis. will play it by ear.

thought to you all - am feeling a little stronger knowing this forum is here.

Just had a phone call from my dd .her ex partners mum that I told you about is having a driver fitted today or tomorrow.she has now developed scepticimia and ther is no hope of a recovery .they say she will die in two or three days.it all sounds awful to me,but I know she is in terrible pain.and it must be intolerable for her.she is the other nan to my gd,s. As I told you before my gd,s already went to say their goodbyes a couple of weeks again and I don't think they will be going again as they found it too upsetting last time. I expect she will just go into a sleep and not wake up. Very sad situation for that side of the family. X