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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Missing my baby boy

16 replies

Rosduk · 04/12/2012 22:39

My baby boy was born by emcs 10 days ago at 27 weeks. He lived for 2 hours.
I want to hide away. I feel selfish but I just want to be on my own.
I don't want to speak to anyone, explain the story again, answer peoples ridiculous questions. 'How are you?' I want reply honestly- 'I'm dead inside- but thanks for asking.' but find I reply politely that im ok under the circumstances. I cant take one more person telling me it must be easier as i already have a little girl. I love her, she makes me smile but she is also a reminder.
I don't want to see any of my pregnant friends despite how much they try or read about Will and Kate and their baby joy.

Ive been through denial, sadness and confusion-I'm praying this is just a bitter phase that will get easier.
Did anyone else feel like this? My DP is fantastic but has gone back to work and stays away in the week.

OP posts:
bigredtractor · 04/12/2012 22:43

What was his name? Would you like to tell us about him? Have a squeeze- you're very brave for reaching out- happy to listen

HumphreyCobbler · 04/12/2012 22:43

I am so sorry you lost your little boy.

I think it is entirely reasonable you don't want to talk to people much. I think you must do what you are ready to do.

Original poster
Rosduk · 04/12/2012 22:56

Thanks for replies.
We named him Thomas.
I was 2 hours from home away with my parents when I went to hospital so my DP missed the whole thing. He arrived 15 minutes after Thomas died. Neither of us saw him breathing. I keep thinking that I hope he hadn't opened his eyes. All I can do is pray that he was unaware of what was going on.
We did get to see him. He was so perfect. Looked just like his big sister.
My heart broke that day. It's hard to believe it will get any easier. This is when everybody else starts getting back on with their lives and I just can't.

OP posts:
bigredtractor · 04/12/2012 23:04

Lovely Thomas - such a nice name. So, so sorry for your loss.

What a whirlwind of emotions- do whatever you need to do, there are no rules as such. You're still recovering from surgery too - have you got people to take care of you?

BranchingOut · 04/12/2012 23:04

I am so sorry, how devastating x
Please keep posting, there is so much support on here.

Beachcombergirl · 04/12/2012 23:22

I'm so sorry for the devastating loss of Thomas x

kiwigirl42 · 04/12/2012 23:38

So so sorry for you all and dear little Thomas.

This happened to my neighbours a couple of years ago. They knew for the last months that the baby would die when born. He lived a few hours and was a lovely little chap.
We still talk about him and what he would be doing if still alive. He will not be forgotten and is still an important part of their family. They have another baby now but she has not replaced him as i don't think you can get over something like that, just start to live your life without him as the days go by. I can't phrase that last bit very well i'm afraid.
Its early early days also. Take the time to grieve, there are no rules. Its not something you can be expected to get over.

I think the pure pointlessness of it and the loss of potential are what saddens me when I think about it.

HumphreyCobbler · 05/12/2012 17:00

Thinking of you Rosduk, hoping that you are finding some peaceful moments. I remember that feeling, that life is continuing and this seems unbearable Sad

Thomas is a lovely name.

IveBeenGoodSantaIPromise · 05/12/2012 17:09

So sorry this has happened to you. Thomas is a lovely name. Take care of yourself at this very hard time and have lots of cuddles with his big sister xx

WowOoo · 05/12/2012 17:10

So sorry. Don't know what else to say Sad

Chez12 · 04/01/2013 00:19

Hi there, sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I lost my son at 19 days old after his battle with an infection. I can totally understand how you feel. I am also sick of the insensitive and inappropriate comments that are made, and you get tired if answering how you feel because you are functioning cos on the outside your alive but on the inside your dead. Christmas doesn't make it any easier, this time of year made me realise the void even harder and it sunk in that I will always be without him, and it breaks my heart. I'd love to tell you it's going to get easier, for me it doesn't feel that way, in fact for me it feels worse,because everyone around you goes back to their normal lives, and you have to wake up and live with this everyday while trying to recoup some form of 'normality'. That said though, I'm sure that in time the sadness will be lighter and not as intense, at least I hope so. I do believe babies are angels and that they are being loved and cared for in heaven. Reading 'healing with the angels' by Doreen Virtue I found helpful. Just take your time, perhaps write a letter each day to Thomas to tell you how you feel, I've recently started doing this for my son. After 7 months I am comfortable being a bit selfish with my grief, and now when I want to hide away I do, I always talk about him, even if it makes people uncomfortable because you have to do what's best for you and not conform to what people think you should do, think, feel... Thinking of you xxx

OrangeLily · 04/01/2013 00:29

I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry there is nothing anyone can do to take the pain away.

cynner · 04/01/2013 00:32

So sorry for the loss of your Thomas..I am thinking of you and your family..xx

LittleWhiteWolf · 05/01/2013 14:54

I'm so sorry for your loss. You lost a child and that is no easy thing to bear, in spite of having a living daughter with you.

Rest in peace baby Thomas x

pookiecat · 08/01/2013 16:50

xxxxxxxxxxx

VeronicaSpeedwell · 08/01/2013 17:59

I'm so sorry to hear about Thomas, my heart goes out to you. My DS was stillborn at 41 weeks seven months ago, so I know something about how you are feeling. I recognise so much of what you say. I don't feel in any position to offer advice, as it still feels so raw to me and I know at ten days I felt barely alive at all. It is such a short time.

Things do change, very slowly. I wouldn't say it gets better as such, but your whole view of life adjusts and you start to get used to that. I have found that while many people do say terribly hurtful things, others turn out to be amazing in ways you might never have known. I used to feel guilty about not 'trying' harder with lots of friends, but really you just have to do whatever feels right. It's wrong and terrible that you didn't get to spend more time with Thomas, but you can feel proud of the fact that he changed the world forever, because so many people who hear about him or know him through you will have had their lives touched by him. You and many others, sometimes people you don't even know, will carry him on in their hearts for all their lives.

Take care of yourself, do whatever you feel will be good for you, and don't feel bad about any of the things you can't do or don't want to.

You are in my thoughts. xxxxx

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