Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My dad is dying

28 replies

YouveCatToBeKittenMe · 15/11/2012 13:57

I have just signed to say I don't want any more intervention for him.
He's not eating or drinking or responding to anything.

I hate the fact that I'm all on my own. My sister hasn't even contacted me yet.
I am dreading phoning everyone and having to tell them. Especially his sister who doesn't even know he's so bad as she's having an op today.

I thought it would be a relief in the end as he has advanced Alzheimers. But to sign the form just felt like I was giving up on him Sad
The last 5 years has been so hard. I think part of me will always resent my sister for leaving it all to me.

OP posts:
SecretNutellaFix · 15/11/2012 14:04

You haven't given up on him.
You have seen how much he is suffering and you have chosen the compassionate path, not the one where you say to keep him with you, for your sake.
That would be wholly selfish.

Sounds like your relationship with your sister isn't very close?

Pancakeflipper · 15/11/2012 14:09

I think he will be very proud of you. It's an horrendous decision to make and to do it alone makes you question yourself over and over. You do what you think is right with the Dr's guidance.

Lots of unMN's hugs. And look after yourself.

Original poster
YouveCatToBeKittenMe · 15/11/2012 14:17

I am quite close to my sister, but she just doesn't seem to see why she should do anything. She won't help to clear his house, I did all the power of attorney, sorting dad's money, finding care homes etc etc etc. If I hadn't done it she never would. It seems she copes with life by just ignoring it.

I would just like a bit of support from her. I imagine I will be arranging the funeral, contacting all the relatives, and dealing with all the financial stuff too now. She was always the golden child Sad

I have such a headache from crying today. I gave him a cuddle and a kiss when I left just now and said goodbye in case I don't get back in time. He didn't even respond when the nurses changed his T-Shirt. I need to phone his brother and update him but it will make me cry again.

OP posts:
HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 16/11/2012 07:10

I couldn't read your thread and not post, have to stop crying now before my dds get up.

You sounds like a wonderful daughter who has done all she can for a dad she loves so very much.

I lost my dad eight years ago this month, he had a heart attack totally out of the blue and died straight away.

In a lot of ways i am so glad it happened like that, i cannot imagine the pain of having to say goodbye to your dad and watch him slip away.

My nan also had advanced Alzheimers and i remember who distressing it was for me when she didn't know who i was.,it must have been torture for my mum.

My mum has parkinson's and there may well come a day when i have to do exactly what you have done and say there should be no more intervention (she has already told me this)

I cannot imagine how hard this will be, you aren't giving up on him please don't think that.

You will be in my thoughts today, i really hope your sister comes through for you when you need her most.

Sending you much love and strength and a massive hug x

SecretNutellaFix · 16/11/2012 08:03

Thinking of you all today.x

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/11/2012 10:08

Oh darling, you aren't giving up on him...you are giving him a blessed release.

Sending you strength and love...how are things today? xx

Thumbwitch · 16/11/2012 10:11

What Betty said. Sorry you're not getting any support from your sister - how selfish of her :(

Poledra · 16/11/2012 10:14

You aren't giving up on him - you're telling him that's it's OK to let go, you love and care for him but that his peace is to be found elsewhere now.

I hope my children will love and care as much for me at the end of my life as you clearly fdo for your father.

Original poster
YouveCatToBeKittenMe · 17/11/2012 19:09

Dad died this morning

It's been a weird day.

Have kept busy but have finished phoning everyone thank goodness. That's the hardest bit.
I sat with him for ages yesterday and I'm so glad I went as I said a proper goodbye and gave him a big hug before I left.

OP posts:
CelticPromise · 17/11/2012 19:18

I really feel for you. My mum died last month and it's shit. No matter how much it's expected you can never really be prepared. I just wanted to send you a hug and say you're not alone. Do you have support in real life?

Whatnowffs · 17/11/2012 19:23

So sorry for your loss OP, they call alzheimers the long goodbye for good reason :( The next few days will be busy and a bit of a blur, it takes a while before it hits home. Be kind to yourself and just go with how you feel. I susppect your sister can't cope with things so has stuck her head in the sand. I lost my lovely dad to alzheimers 7 years ago and it sometimes still feels so raw, but i remember him how he was before he was ill now, that is a good thing. xxx

SecretNutellaFix · 17/11/2012 19:25

I am so sorry, cat.

We had same news about DH grandfather this morning. Still not quite sure how to feel, but ((hug))

Original poster
YouveCatToBeKittenMe · 17/11/2012 19:31

Thank you all

I do have support, Dh is being brilliant and the DC's have been good too, the 2 eldest have some good memories of him

Will be very busy on Monday. However it seems you shouldn't die at the weekend as everywhere is closed! So tomorrow will be the calm before the storm.

There is so much to do I'm sure once I finish sorting everything it will really hit me.

OP posts:
CelticPromise · 17/11/2012 19:52

Glad you are being looked after. Make the most of the weekend day to think about what plans you would like to make without pressure, before the running around starts. Will be thinking of you.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 17/11/2012 20:41

I am so sorry to hear about your dad.

Sending you and yours much love x

kissmyheathenass · 17/11/2012 20:56

Your thread title caught my eye as I started a thread with the same title 6 months ago. My dad had dementia too. Its a bastard. I am so thankful that my memories are good ones of how my dad was before the dementia took hold.

I hope you have a shoulder to cry on. Grief still hits me like a truck and it takes my breath away, its so easy to forget he has gone.

I'm sorry to read your news.

Thumbwitch · 18/11/2012 00:36

I'm glad you got to spend the time with him and that you have lots of support from your DH and DC, and that you all have good memories before the Alzheimer's took hold.

Often people are so busy up until the funeral that realisation of their loss doesn't really kick in until after the funeral is over, just to warn you (if you didn't already know) - this is quite normal. Look after yourself, and get your family to look after you too; and sorry for your loss. x

Pancakeflipper · 18/11/2012 00:45

Hugs. Try to get some time for yourself this week like a coffee and cake with a mate. And glad your family are supportive

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/11/2012 10:53

So sorry.

Take this gently, go easy on yourself.

I am so glad you got to be with him....you can hold onto that and also realise what a fantastic daughter you were to him.

Hugs xx

Solo · 19/11/2012 11:06

I'm so sorry for your loss :(

I hope this isn't insensitive, but if you haven't already done so, I would not tell anyone about signing for no more intervention. My friends Mum had been on dialysis for years and they withdrew it (they gave consent) towards the end. Friends brother hasn't spoken a single word to her since as he blames her for his Mums death even though it was inevitable and he wasn't even there, didn't visit or anything.

suburbandream · 19/11/2012 11:14

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum died of Alzheimer's last year. It is such a horrible disease. My Dad had to make the same awful decision that you did, he was with her at the end but sadly I live quite a long way away and wasn't able to be there with them both.
I know there is nothing I can add that will ease your pain, but I'm glad that you have your DH and DCs around you xx

WandaDoff · 19/11/2012 11:17

You didn't give up on him, you let him go with dignity.

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Original poster
YouveCatToBeKittenMe · 20/11/2012 22:32

Today I helped to fulfill my dad's last wish for his body to be used for medical research. Although I couldn't do exactly what he'd wished for due to the Alzheimer's I think I did the next best thing!

It was complicated and really hard and I will be forever grateful to the funeral directors for all their help

My dad wasn't a man who was easily impressed but I'd like to think he would have been proud of me today

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 20/11/2012 22:48

I bet he's proud. And be proud of yourself. Are you feeling okish?

Mollydoggerson · 20/11/2012 22:53

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you have responded to this crisis so well.

Take care x