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Original poster

Attending a funeral of a great grandfather

16 replies

PwCocopops · 30/03/2006 21:00

My husband's grandfather has just passed away and I'm not sure whether it's appropriate for my 5 year old daughter and/or 3 year old son should attend his funeral.

My daughter knows he had been ill and had asked if he was going to die - but should she go to the funeral.

I'd really appreciate anyone's thoughts or experiences.

Thanks.

PwCocopops

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 30/03/2006 21:14

Personally if it was easy to find someone to look after them I would avoid taking them.

SharonW · 30/03/2006 21:15

Hi, only advice I can give is based on personal experience as a child. My grandfather died when I was 7 and I was the only member of the family not to attend his funeral. The rest of my siblings were distraught as it was an open casket and they were shocked to see what he looked like.

I, on the other hand, will always remember him as he was when he was alive - smiling and making jokes.

It's your decision, but I think the main deciding factor is - how will it make your children feel to see the coffin and the rest of the family's grief when they really don't understand what's going on?

mazzystar · 30/03/2006 21:21

I vividly remember my mum's father dying when I was about 8 or so, and my parents going to the funeral without me. I felt horribly excluded and alone.

Yours are significantly younger, so it might be too much for them to deal with, but hopefully if your grandfather has lived to a grand old age, the funeral might be more of a celebration of his life.

Original poster
PwCocopops · 30/03/2006 21:49

Thank you all for your thoughts, my Mum should be able to look after them, and I think it will be difficult for them to see their Granny crying as well as their daddy upset.

I'll probably take them to see the family the day before the funeral as it will be a bit of a distraction.

Thanks again for taking the time to post a message.

OP posts:
Bozza · 30/03/2006 21:54

Dh's Grandad died last year when DS was 4 and DD was 1 (just). The funeral was on a Friday which is a day when I don't have childcare, my Mum and Dad were on holiday and my sister (who I thought was on maternity leave) had to attend an exam board meeting in London. In the end I left DS (4) with a friend and took DD. We were out quite a while and I thought it was a bit much for my friend to have DD whereas for DS it was just a play date with her son. It worked out OK. DH was quite upset and having two children there would have distracted him, whereas with just DD she looked at books during the service and then was quite a bright and cheery thing afterwards. And of course oblivious....

jamsam · 31/03/2006 11:57

my own father passed away 4 weeks ago. we ( me an dthe boys) live with mum ( and did with dad) so they were here when he died. mum asked if the boys could go to school as it would have been o much for her, which in a way im grateful for. i couldnt even seee the order of service let alone watch tow children.
it all a personal decision, if they were very close it would be good to sya goodbye, but that dosnt have to be at a funeral.

jamsam · 31/03/2006 11:58

my typing is awful...sorry X

Original poster
PwCocopops · 31/03/2006 16:16

Jamsam

Sorry for what you had to go through, my kids would only have seen their great granda 7-8 times a year, but they saw him 4 weeks ago when he was feeling ok.

I think I'll bring the children tomorrow to see their granny and not take them to the funeral but maybe to the meal afterwards, purely as a distraction.

Thanks for your time.

Julie

OP posts:
jamsam · 31/03/2006 16:24

it is still hard to explain, but as they had experienced thier gre gran dying just before christmas the were understanding. as its a small village, everyone knew and they were nearly all there. all the teachers kept an eye on them and the headmistress even came to the funeral. i collected them at 1pm(just after lunch) an dthey came and enjoyed all the attention. As long as hey are included and talked to, they dont have to go through it, but as i said , its a personal decision, youll know if its right.:)

BettySpaghetti · 31/03/2006 16:31

Sorry to hear your news.

My Gran died last year and I wondered for a while whether or not to take my children to the funeral (well, cremation service) but decided against it. DD was 5 and DS was only 15m at the time.

In the end, DP took them out to park near the crematorium whilst I went to the service. They then met us at the get-together afterwards which was great as all my Gran's friends and relations got to meet her great-grandchildren.

I think the children's presence gave a positive air to the day -a sense of life going on in the next generations.

Cadbury · 31/03/2006 16:51

PwCocopops , my nana died in January and my dd (aged 5 and my ds(2) went to the funeral along with all of her other great grandchildren, her grandchildren and children. It was an important family event and a chance to say goodbye to the "queen" of our family.

All family set ups are different so I hope you find what the right decision for you is.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you can all find some peace.

2Happy · 03/04/2006 21:13

PwCocopops, Cadbury, Jamsam sorry for your recent losses Sad. dh's grampa died in the early hours of this morning and I was thinking of starting a thread to ask the appropriateness of kids at funerals, but then found this thread already here - sorry if I'm hijacking! ds is nearly 10mo so too young to know what's happening, and I think it would be nice at the wake after for him to see relatives, but I'm worried how he'd be during the service itself, especially as it is near to feed time for him. Also he's a really happy kid and would probably giggle his way through the service Blush. But I would like to be there for dh... It's so hard isn't it Sad

Tommy · 03/04/2006 21:19

We took the DSs (then aged 3.3 and 20m) to their Great Grandad's funeral this time last year. DS1 knew what was going on and I'd explained about the coffin, burial etc (using some book recommendations from MN). They are used to going to church though so that may have made a difference.
At the end of the service, DS1 said (quite loudly but no-one seemed to mind) "Are we going to plant Great Grandad now?" - very sweet - I'm sure Great Grandad would have approved - he was a very keen gardener!

Tommy · 03/04/2006 21:20

should have also put, I think it's very appropriate for children to go to funerals - especially of an very much older relative - they can lift the atmosphere which can be helpful.

2Happy · 03/04/2006 21:33

I agree mostly, Tommy. ds is usually pretty good in church, but that's normally with me playing with him, and grinning at him, or blowing raspberries or whatever. And while, if it was my funeral (what an odd thing to say) I'd want it to be a thanksgiving service and happy, I know there'll be plenty of older more, er, traditional types who I'm not so sure will be so impressed. But it'd be great for him to be there at the wake - but the whole thing is quite a long way away, so I either go for the whole thing or for none of it. And it would be hard for dh if I'm not there. Sad

Bozza · 03/04/2006 21:54

2Happy - Not sure what sort of service is planned but I would say that quite often funerals are shorter services than the average Sunday church service so DS would have to be occupied for less time. I would take him I think. You say it is near a feed time - would feeding him during the service be feasible - not sure what you mean by "feed" - breast/bottle/mush/sandwiches - could be any of those at 10 months. Grin Also board books to turn the pages but not read would work well.

I took DD to DH's Grandad's funeral at 12 months and she ate raisins and looked at books all the way through.

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