What to do?

[oneandnomore]

Hi. My father had early onset Alzheimers disease. I had no contact with him, he was in a residential home. Have had no contact since he and my mum divorced when I was about 5.
I used to walk past him in the street, he obviously did not know me, I knew him from photos.

Anyway, I got a text yesterday from DB saying he died in the night on Sunday, care staff found him Monday morning.

Initially I was a little shaky. I guess from the suddenness of his death? My DB has asked if I shall go to the funeral. I thought I might, but I have just been looking at some old photo's I had been getting ready to send to DB, and have realised that I didn't care about him when he was alive, why should I now.

I really don't know what to do. There is likely to be few people at the funeral, his brother and family, and probably a member of staff from the home.
Without meaning to sound awful, I don't really want to get into conversation with his family, don't want them to think I care that much. But I don't want to regret not going.

I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive, and I do know how devastating it is to lose parents, having lost my mum and step dad.

I think you must be true to yourself. You might have rereats either way if you do what you feel you should do, not what you feel in your heart.

If you dont go, maybe send flowers, then you'll feel you've done something.

xx

regrets not rereats

Well, you know, you might want to go as a form of doing something for yourself as well as him. It's very complex.

You could go and keep your distance from his relatives. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, you know.

Hope you come to your own peaceful decision.

Obviously none of us know the history behind why you did not keep in contact with him, but I think you might regret it not going to his funeral because even if you have not had any contact with him for a long time, he is the last link with your parents. You will have the opportunity to speak to your brother and the other members of family and maybe their stories will give you a different slant on him. It just seems a shame that from photos you had of him, you chose not to speak to him when you saw him walking by.

It was his choice not to have contact, I tried to make contact when I was a teenager and also about 10 years ago. He didn't respond. That's fair enough, his loss.
He was violent to mum when they were married, so no, I don't have a good opinion of him and nothing anyone says will change that.
But, he was my father and as you say Clare, my last link to my parents.

Could you slip in at the back of the room and then leave straight away? Stay longer if you feel that's right at the time?

I think if it were me, I'd slip in and out very quietly at the back. No small talk, no hanging around, just a few moments to think your thoughts and reflect a little and then home again. Don't be surprised though if grief does catch up with you a bit at a later date - it's amazing how strong some emotions can be, and how deep they can be hidden. Whatever you do choose, I hope it goes ok.

Hi, thanks for your replies.
The funeral is on Wednesday, at the moment I am not planning to go, though I could well feel differently on the day.

I'm not sad that he has gone, I'm sad for what could have been. I keep thinking that my mum will be showing him what he has missed out on, his lovely grandaughter

hi op, TBH from your first post I got you don't want to go, thats why I suggested sending flowers instead

you must do what's right for you, it sounds to me he left you long ago and made his choice

if things had been different you wouldn't have hesitated to go, but things being as they are, you don't want to

FWIW I agree with you