I have thought about writing this blog for weeks now as my whole world came crashing down around me 7 weeks ago. I will rewind back to to 9months ago when my husband and I found out we were pregnant. We had been married for two weeks when we found out. To say we were ecstatic was an understatment. Having previously suffered a miscarriage i was apprehensive but as the weeks past i gradually relaxed and started to enjoy impending motherhood.
We had a few ups and down during the pregnancy , we found out we were having a baby boy, on the first scan at 7 weeks, the midwife had to point out the heartbeat for me (i was exactly like rachel from "Friends" as i just couldnt see it!) with it being early,the baby just looked like a kidney bean and from that day on we referred to the baby as Bean. We found out at 20weeks that Bean had an enlarged left kidney, the doctors and midwives informed us that this wouldnt cause our baby any long term health implications but he would need to be put on antibiotics after birth an re-scanned to ensure the inflammation had reduced.
After 5months of pregnancy, i really blossomed, i felt normal again and people say i was "glowing". I loved being pregnant and i loved the connehction me and my baby had. i would talk to him constantly and he would kick me like mad. He had little routine, 5.30am and 10.30pm were his most active times for kicking my bladder!
Soon we started buying all the baby nursery furniture, we chose the paint to be blue and white with white furniture and a cream carpet. the room was so calming and perfect, although it smelled like an IKEA showroom, the brand new smell!
I broke off on mternity leave at 36weeks- it was earlier than planned but after an appointment with my midwife, it left me stressed. In the appointment i had a student midwife in examing me and my bump. she had the doppler machine and was looking for the heartbeat when she said the awful words that she couldnt find it- that sent me into a panic and because of the way she had me lying, i almost fainted. my midwife then took over and found Bean's heartbeat but it was so stressful so after that, i decided ti take things easy and become a lady of leisure before the arrival of our baby.
My due date came and went and still no sign of our baby. I tried everything,fresh pineapple, spicy curries,jumping on the stairs, long walks, nipple tweaking and sex! still nothing. I was eventually giving a date for induction for Monday 23rd July 2012, 12 days over my due date. The night before i re-packed my maternity bag for the 10th time, just making sure we had everything.
On the morning of induction, i was very excited, my husband and i were ready to meet him. i couldnt wait to see who he looked like. Going in for pre-checks before the perssary tablet, thats when i whole shattered around me...... we were told our baby had no heartbeat. The baby had been active on the sunday so i managed to to pinpoint that something happened over the previous 10hours in which our baby had died. why didnt i feel something, why didnt my body tell me something was wrong? why us? why my baby? all the questions that i was asking. my baby was supposed to be safe in my tummy and he wasnt! Why didnt i go into labour earlier and he would be alive now, why wasnt i inducted earlier?
We were given a scan to triple check and i saw my baby there with no heartbeat. Soon enough i was surrounded by my family but i felt more alone that i have ever felt. I looked at my husband and all i could say was "im so sorry". he done his best to reassure me that it was nothing i had done but the baby was inside me, no-one else. i was his mummy and i should have protected him and kept him safe.
The doctors then gave me options, wether to continue with induction for a natural birth or have a C-section. I opted for the natural birth. I was advised that it was more likely that i would give birth within 24 hours. Unfortunately for me, that wasnt the case. I had 2 full days of having pessaries which is a tablet every 3-4hours to help bring on labour- nothing was happening for me. I was in pain and given pain relief and after 48 hours of pains but nothing more i was begging the midwives for a c-section. I had no motivation to deal with the pains i knew that my baby was gone. On the 3rd day, wednesday 25th july, i was started to dialate and was given an epidural, unfortuately the first epidural worked on my right side but i still felt thr contractions as the left sdie didnt work. I then got a top up to the epidural and still didnt work. the conclusion was to remove the epidural and put another one in, at first that one didnt work either but finally after a top up, the pain started to relieve. i was given gas and air too, that was my friend as it eased the pain straight away.
Due to the pain easing i got some much needed sleep,at 9pm that eveing the midwife woke me to advised that it was time as she could see the babys head. All of my family were advised to leave the room and then it was just me and my husband. My husband is really queamish andi wasnt sure how he would cope during labour. At 9.15pm, i started pushing. I can still clearly remember everything during labour and feelings of it. i hope to never forget it. At 10.14pm our son was born, wheighing in at a whopping 10lb 4oz and 21inches long. He was absolutely perfect. After inspecting him and making sure he had 10 fingers and toes, we dressed him. we decided to put him in his goin home outfit, it was heartbreaking to know he would never be coming home with us. We decided to name our son Bean. It was what we had called him throughout the pregnancy and didnt feel right calling him something different now.
Shortly after birth, our famillies got to meet to Bean and have a hold and cuddle with him if they wished. As sad as it was, if was comforting to know our famillies came to together to support each other and everyone got there time with Bean. The hospital we were in and the staff were fantastic, we were allowed to spend as much time with Bean as we wanted. They gave us a beautiful moses basket to lie him in, instead of cribs you normally get. im sure he would have fitted in normal crib as he was so chunky. The midwives took Bean away around 3am to get us hand and foot prints, a lock of his hair and came back with a beautiful memory box they had put together.
We decided after birth not to get an invasive post mortem carried out on Bean but to have him scanned and checked over my peadeatric doctor to see if anything outwardly could be seen to cause his death. We also opted for a post mortem on my placenta. we are now waiting on the results of ther post mortem and scans.
Leaving the hospital with the memory box instead of my baby is something no mother should ever have to do. Arriving home was awful, i hated it. We have to walk past Bean bedroom door everyday knowing that it is all ready and waiting for him. I havent been able to go into the room yet.
Planning a funeral is never easy but for a child its worse, no parent ever wants to plan there childs funeral but this is the situationme and my husband were in. Ten days after his birth, we cremated Bean with around 50 friends and family present. I grew some comfort from the funeral as i hated knowing he was at the funeral directors just waiting for funeral. we went to visit him serveral time over that week. His Casket was a white ornate one and if was full of little thing for him, a book that he liked us reading him, letters,photograhs and beanie babies toys. He was still wearing his going home from hospital outfit and he had a chelsea football strip on top with his name on it.
After the funeral, it was hard to adjust to life without Bean, it still is. We decided to get away from everything and we flew abroad for a week to somewhere,where no-one knew us. Innocence is bliss so they say.
Had the worst moment the other day, i was in a shop with my husband when a lady we both work with came bounding up to us to ask "how mummy and daddy are?" i was caught off guard and i burst into tears right there in front of her. when will this stop feeling so raw???
xx