8week miscarriage isn't quite the same as delivering a full-term stillborn?

[Lira]

I'm really sorry for the upsetting nature of this post but i am heartbroken. Tomorrow is the third anniversary/birthday of my stillborn son who was born full term. I have phoned round my friends to ask if they are free to mark the occassion like we do every year. We go for lunch or something. We talk about him.

My friends have been quite evasive about it this year and finally one called this morning saying she thinks i should let it go. I can't keep letting this haunt me forever. She had a miscarriage at eight weeks a few years ago and i don't see her organising anniversary lunches etc. Her words.

I'm so sorry if this sounds cruel, but to me - yes, they are two horrible situations but not quite the same. Delivering a full term baby, and holding him, getting a photo of him etc is not on the same level as a eight week miscarriage. Just as i think someone losing a child - for example a baby to cot death - is again far worse than delivering a still born.

I understand that everyone has different emotional boundaries. So for some people, a miscarriage at 4 weeks could feel the same as someone losing a child to cot death.

Basically, i jusst feel quite embarrassed now and isolated. I want to celebrate Ethan's life no matter how short it was. But i've been made to feel it's insignificant. Am i being unreasonable thinking both of our children's deaths are terrible, but not quite on the same level?

[LookBehindYou]

Tee why should it be moved? Lira asked an AIBU question. If she wants it moved she can ask herself.

[Thumbwitch]

labtest - I hope your DD is on the road to recovery, I really do. That is so hard.

I don't think anyone is minimising the impact of MCs, especially more than one - grief is grief and loss of potential is loss of potential - but everyone reacts differently.

[frasersmummy]

I dont think the thread should be moved....there is a lot of sympathy and support on the thread

why does it need to be moved... its good that a thread like this is in a high traffic area.. there is not enough talk of stillbirths and what we can do to prevent them in this country

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

lira so sorry to hear about your little Ethan. Of course, you will never forget him. I think it is very natural that you would want to mark his birthday too, and agree that it must be very hurtful to have had that conversation with your friend. I don't think you should feel ashamed or embarrassed about your love for Ethan though, and perhaps she should be made aware of that. It is one day of the calendar, a few hours of her time, and it's not as if you are not 'getting on with your life' the rest of the year.

So may I suggest a couple of ideas for you? Basically, you only want to remember Ethan with those who really care about you, and him. Still have your lunch with your other friends and family who feel differently, and who would be willing give you the time to honour your little boy.

And / or, perhaps you could speak with your friend and talk about a way in which you both could remember your lost children, if that is something she might like to do. It would probably be another day, not Ethan's birthday, but a way to help you both acknowledge the hole in your lives.

There are many people in society who have lost a child, far too many - whether it is before birth, at birth, or some later stage. Some of us are on this thread. Yet death, especially the death of a child, is still a very taboo subject which makes people feel very awkward in a society which still does not particularly welcome extreme emotion. But it happens. It happens every day. Parents lose beloved children. It is important to be allowed to talk about our children, to love them, to remember them, to acknowledge their existence, lest we want to continue this attitude. It might be awkward and a little upsetting, but hey, we have to deal with this loss every day of our lives.

[karron]

Sorry to hear of your loss. While what your friend said was thoughtless could it be possible she is "covering" for someone else in the group who is pregnant or has recently miscarried? It's the only thing I can think of for this group of friends for all being a bit evasive this year.

[Tee2072]

Because this is not an AIBU question.

Of course she's not being U. Anyone who thinks she is should be banned from MN forever.

So let's get it moved where she'll get even more support and sympathy.

[Ilovedaintynuts]

Will people stop trying to get this thread moved!

Why? The more we hide baby loss the more people like the OP suffer out of ignorance and fear.

Let it stay here (or in chat) if the OP wants.

[EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange]

Lovely and insightful post as always miasmummy

((tami)) yes it's me, everlong

[CJ2010]

Grief is not a competition. OP- mark the date privately with your family and respect your friends decision.

[frasersmummy]

there are plenty of threads in abiu where the the poster is clearly not being unreasonable ... and they dont get moved..

llook at the support and sympathy already on here.. hiding it away in bereavment isnt going to help at the moment

[LookBehindYou]

I really agree Mia's mummy.

[Flojo1979]

I've had several mc's and they were awful, but once I had my dc's I got some perspective.
I'm guessing your friend hasn't got dc's else she'd realise u can't compare the 2, then again u cat compare anyone's grief.
I think your friends ABU not to want to help u cope in whatever way u deem best. If its your way of remembering him then they should support u fully. I don't get why they r being so horrible. Forget them and remember him with ppl who do support u.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Frasersmummy, the op is not on a crusade to inform about baby loss, the suggestions to move the thread out of aibu are meant kindly, to prevent a hurting op from being hurt further in a fragile state. And you starting to argue on the thread, could also be perceived as upsetting.

[pigletmania]

Oh big hugs Lira. Mabey they are not the right people to be with at that time, and not what you need. How about marking it with your dp/dh if you have one or just light a candle at home for Ethan.

[pigletmania]

I had 2 early mc, and to me loosing a baby past te first trimester would be more devastating.

[CJ2010]

I think the title of this thread is very insensitive OP.

I hope you didn't say this to your friend who had the mc.

[EverybodysDoeEyed]

I'm really sorry for your loss

The first thing that came to mind when I read your post was that one of your friends may be pregnant /just suffered a miscarriage and the one who called was seen as the most empathetic (I'm not saying she was because i don't think she handled it well at all). I think it would be natural to not want to tell you about a pregnancy/miscarriage so close to the anniversary of Ethan's birth.

I agree that you can't compare grief - your friend obviously made the first step in that but I think you need to step away from her comment. Could she have meant you need to let go of the annual lunches rather than your grief?

Do you have family that you could have a remembrance service with?

[QuangleWangleQuee]

I've had three early mcs (one at 8 weeks) and i am shocked by what your friend said. Of course delivering a full term still born baby is far worse than having an early mc. Your friend should be ashamed of what she said. She has no idea.

[amyboo]

ffs, stop talking about moving the thread. I'm guessing the OP knew what she was doing when she posted it on AIBU. And in fairness, it would be quite nice to put a bit more about stillbirth out there. As the fantastic miasmummy rightly points out, death of children happens every day and we should be able to talk about our lost children openly. Far too many people want to try and "hush" these kind of conversations up - you've had your funeral and therefore should move on. But it doesn't work like that. The death of a child stays with you forever.

[PheasantPlucker]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Through my work I have recently heard of this organisation, who are organising services for bereaved families in 4 venues around the country. The first one is this weekend. I really hope you don't mind me posting this link, I just wonder if it might be something to help you OP, and others who might like to go (I am not connected in any way with the organisation)

www.sayinggoodbye.org/index.html#.UFBuMI2PV3U

[amyboo]

Huh, I see it's been moved. Way to go about silencing a discussion MNHQ.

[PheasantPlucker]

Oh, not sure re that link, the organisation is called 'Saying Goodbye'

[LookBehindYou]

Very disappointed it's been moved unless Lira requested it.

[expatinscotland]

Here we go again! You should shove off to the bereavement section. Just like that last one who told the story of her crash csection and losing her child at 9 days.

'I think you should apologize to your friend and let her deal with her loss in her own way, and find a way to mourn your own baby more privately.'

Yes, because your grief over losing your child something to apologise for and hide it away!

FWIW, any 'friend' who told me to 'let go ' of my dead child would not be a friend anymore.

YANBU and this thread should stay right where it is.

I'm sorry for the loss of your son Ethan.