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Bereavement

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How to help/ What to say to this family?

4 replies

penzance70 · 05/09/2012 13:56

One of the families I know though school is facing the death of the dad to Cancer. (weeks rather than months) He is only 30 and they have two young children 7 and 5.
I would really like advice on what to do or say to them as I don't want to make things worse than they already are.
Any advice appreciated?

OP posts:
fuddle · 05/09/2012 14:02

Let them do the talking. Ask how they are doing and let them take the lead.

korvonia · 05/09/2012 14:06

Yes, just ask how they are doing if you see them and it feels natural. I would also say if I can help in any way, just let me know.

It doesn't matter what you say - what matters is that you acknowledge them and their pain in a gentle way. Nothing is worse than people just ignoring the situation through awkwardness.

exexpat · 05/09/2012 14:15

I agree that just being natural and normal around them, and following their lead when it comes to talking about it is the best way. Quite honestly, I don't think you could do anything to make things worse, unless you are spectacularly untactful and come out with comments like 'Oh, I know how awful it is, my dog/cat/distant relative died of cancer...'. They will probably be so preoccupied with what is going on that they won't pay very much attention to anyone else.

If you want to be of practical help, either now or when he dies, don't say 'let me know if there is anything I can do to help'. Everyone says that, very few of them really mean it, and when you are dealing with the death of someone close to you, it is hard to actually pick up the phone and ask for help.

It would be better to offer to do something concrete - if your children get on with them, have the children round to play to give the mum a break or while she's visiting the dad. Or offer to do school runs, or some shopping or laundry, or make some meals etc.

The best resource for dealing with children and bereavement is Winston's Wish, which may be useful in due course.

wonderingagain · 05/09/2012 14:24

Absolutely agree with exexpat's post. Just go out of your way and do stuff for people. There's nothing worse than having to ask for help, I'm getting people offering but I really need them to come round, take the kids out, bake me that cake, just get on and do it. Don't ask. Knowing that someone will come and do these things make me feel safe, that things won't fall apart if I can't cope. It's about showing people that they will be there for you, rather than saying it.

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