Suicide

[Caractacus]

My daughter's fiancé hanged himself three weeks ago and I don't know how to cope with her desperate grief - he was a really kind and loving man who suffered from bipolar disorder and we all miss him terribly and can't come to terms with the terrible mental torment he must have endured before he took his life - can anyone offer any advice please?

I am so very sorry for your loss :( I don't have any direct experience but I wanted you to know someone had read your post. There are support organisations especially for those bereaved by suicide - see www.uk-sobs.org.uk/ . It must be agonising for you to see your daughter going through such grief, especially as you must be in a state of shock yourself, but all you can do is to be there for her.

I hope someone with some better suggestions will come along soon.

I'm so sorry to hear this :(

This is a page from the Samaritans website, they are always fantastic.

Tell her its okay to feel all the range of emotions under the sun, and that there was nothing she could have done to save him. When one of my friends took her own life, the guilt I felt was horrendous. Over time I've accepted that you can't stop someone from killing themselves if that's what they are set on doing.

Sending love to your family at this difficult time.

so sorry for you and your daughter, caracatus
I have been bereaved recently (not suicide), and i found Cruse to be fantastic.

There's something called the WAY foundation (which stands for 'Widowed and Young'). I've heard really good things about it: www.wayfoundation.org.uk/

Obviously you don't have to have been married.

My mother was widowed by suicide when she was still in her 20s. This was in the early 1970s and she still can't talk about it. It is a dreadful thing. I think all you can do is keep talking.

My dad lost his first wife when she committed suicide. I'm so sorry for you all. It is a dreadful thing to happen.

Sorry-that posted sooner than I wanted. Nothing to add advice wise really but I just wanted to post to say how sorry I am that your family is going through this.

My ex-boyfriend committed suicide when I was 19. It took a long time to get over it. I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this OP, kalidasa is right about talking though, it really does help.

So sorry for your daughter.

I'd say just keep on supporting her in whichever way seems best; just be there for her. She may be in shock at the moment. It's a desperate time for her, and seeing her so devastated will impact on you too - nobody wants their child to go through pain such as this. So in the midst of supporting your daughter you'd do well to be mindful of how it is affecting you. There is no right or wrong way to support her though; just carry on being her loving Mum.

Wishing you both strength. My heart goes out for your daughter.

My son had bi-polar and he hung himself 2 months ago. The hardest thing we have faced is the unanswered questions, the fears that we could have prevented it.

As everlong says, counselling could prove so useful, we have all received counselling via Cruse and it has helped us all.

Keep talking to your daughter, let her ramble on, hold her when she needs holding but remember that she might push you away at times. She may shout and scream at you. I got incredibly angry with one of our cats about 3 weeks after James died.

Be kind to yourself as well, eat little and often, we found flapjack was great, lots of fluids (not alcohol) Sleep when you are all tired, we all found we would fall asleep in the afternoons for an hour or so.

Time does help, its not the healer that people talk about imho, but it does help. I miss James everyday, it hurts more than I can describe but I have returned to work and am managing to do the everyday stuff without bursting into tears as often as I was.

Much love and strength to you all. Keep doing what you are doing. i will be thinking of you often xx

So very sorry for the loss of your Son, Mumof2teenboys.

Thank you all very much for you words of support and compassion - somehow it really helps knowing that others understand how bad this feels, and that many of you have personal experience of losing a loved one in this way.

We are so sorry for all of your losses and suffering and hope we can all manage to make sense of the terrible losses we are struggling with in time - we really appreciate all the websites and sources of help you have suggested.

I would also like to add my sincere sympathy for everyone involved in these tragedies. I had a cousin who took his own life when he was 20 something, newly married... and the ripples from it were huge. This happened about 20 years ago. We think he was undiagnosed bi-polar (he had actually admitted himself to a mental health unit and he died there). My aunt,his mother, became a counsellor for a charity that deals with such untimely deaths of children (this is in another country).
I think we all got through it, and continue getting through it, by keeping all communication open and we have never felt any shame about it.
We still talk about him to this day...he was, and will always be, a much loved member of the family and husband to the wife he left (she has since re-married but we are all very much in touch and feel a bond with her). I send much love to everyone who has gone through similar experiences.

So sorry you're going through this OP and my heart goes out to those who have lost children to suicide.

My Dad hung himself. It will have been 14 years ago tomorrow. I think about him every day and will still have a good old cry every now and then. He was and still is my absolute hero and the lessons in life that he taught me still guide me today.

I felt every stage of grief (especially guilt) but never anger. I couldn't be angry with him, I didn't blame him. Ever. I lost "my Dad" months before he actually died, mental illness took hold of him and I never managed to get him back.

There are so many unanswered questions and the guilt can drive you crazy. I don't have much advise really other than to listen to your dd and try to avoid the stigma attached to suicide, talk about him and memories of him as you would if he had died in any other way.

So sorry to hear your sad news. My family has lost two to suicide (both hung themselves) and it is just so painful. Time will heal but I really don't think you can ever make sense of why someone can take their own life - the ramifications are far reaching and your daughter is lucky that you are there for her. Be there to listen to her, help her work through the where's and why's and in time she will be able to start leading a more normal life. Her grief will be all consuming at the moment - and this is normal - and there is no timeframe for it to end/start to get better.

Get her to the docs if necessary for post trauma support or as previous posters have mentioned Cruse can offer excellent support.

i am so sorry for your loss and your daughters

my dh hung his self due to extreme depression april 2011 so nearly 18mths ago and i found him

imo there were no words that my parents could say to me to make me feel better-as tbh there wasnt anything they could/can do

i know it broke my mums heart to see my so unhappy and nothing she could do apart from be there for me

depression and bipolar are terrible illness's and think even worse as people cant see their torment - my brother called depression cancer of the brain/mind and i think he was right

people say that things get easier with time and i thought what total bollocks, but it is right, it does get easier - if thats the word - you learn to cope as have no choice

i knew how unhappy dh was due to depression and i always said that if he was happy now as free from his torment then i would survive as my darling mark has got to be in a better place now - through his tunnel of darkness and found his light

personally i found my local group of sobs useless as i came to reliese that none of them wanted to survive and i did - but hopefully other groups are more supportive

but way were and still are amazing and i see them once a month for drinks, chat and laughter - yes i do laugh again

counselling through cruse were amazing and i saw someone for just over a year and due to them that i have 'got through' this and am coping x

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP. All you can do is be available for your daughter, you can't make it better. My XP hanged himself 6 years ago and no one could have done anything to comfort me. I will never, ever get over the pain of it, but I have adapted my life around it, and managed to get through all the days since then. Your daughter will make it through this time, somehow.

The thing that helped me most when a friend committed suicide was something someone I knew said. She said 'mental illness is a disease which is sometimes fatal' It really really helped me see the whole picture instead of dwelling on feelings of anger and confusion. I hope it helps you and your daughter too. Take care.

I've suffered from depression all my adult life, at times very serious, with thoughts about and detailed plans for suicide,

The best thing I can say to you and your daughter is that it's not personal - it's not about you!

My core beliefs at the worst times were that I'd put an end to my own unsupportable pain, and that those who I'd leave behind would be better off without me. Objectively, suicide is quite a selfish act, but for those who contemplate it and follow the thoughts through, they are driven by far more powerful feelings.

Those thoughts and beliefs may not be rational or right, but they are very real to those who experience them.