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Bereavement

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How can it be a year since I last spoke to my mum?

21 replies

Dramajustfollowsme · 31/08/2012 22:52

It is coming up for the first anniversary of my mum's death and Im struggling a bit. Although we knew she had terminal cancer, the end came shockingly quickly and left us very unprepared. I had to tell her that the docs thought she had 24 hours at the most. She actually had 20 hours from that conversation. She was fully conscious until about 3hrs before her death and it was a horrific way to go. Nurses changing shift not realising the seriousness of the situation and ignoring us and our pleas for more pain relief.
In the aftermath, there was so much to sort out and some things, like selling her house only finalised last month . I also had a 4 month old baby when mum died so life has been quite hectic looking after my crazy bundle of mischief!
Since everything finalised, it has started to hit me. Also my dd now recognises people and gets excited when my pils visit. It makes me so sad that she will never get to have that special bond with my mum who loved her with all heart and was very much the doting granny.
In some ways it feels like I only spoke to her yesterday or she is just away on holiday. However, with the anniversary less than a week away it is like I can't kid myself any longer. She really has gone.
Having already lost my dad to cancer too, mum, my dais and I were like the three musketeers. Mum missed my dsis graduation this summer too. But at least we have fabulous memories. I'm scared that I won't be able to put across to my dd how fantastic her grandma was and how much she loved her. I miss her so much.

OP posts:
lucidlady · 31/08/2012 22:57

I'm so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a lovely lady.

Hassled · 31/08/2012 22:59

I'm sorry.

I can't say anything to make you feel better - all I can say is that you'll see her again: one day you'll pass a mirror or hear yourself say something, and she'll be there - or there will be a look or a smile from your DD and she'll be there again. It's very very hard to be a motherless mother - there are books on the subject which may help. I know there are lots of us on MN.

And the year's milestone is a massive thing - it hit me like a ton of bricks with both my parents. Go easy on yourself.

hidingforthis · 31/08/2012 23:01

I could not read this and not post although I'm not sure what I can say other than I completely understand.

My mother also died of cancer. It was 8 years ago now and that in itself is shocking because how on earth can I nit have spoken to or hugged my mum in so long. My dad also died before that and like you I sometimes find it painful to watch my DCs with my in-laws because it makes me think about everything my mum is missing and just how great a granny she would have been. I talk about her quite a bit to my DCs and I hope they are gaining a lasting impression of what a special woman she was.

I know Hiw you feel OP. Sometimes life really, really isn't fair.

Dramajustfollowsme · 31/08/2012 23:06

Thanks, you are so right my dd is a like a mini-me in looks and personality. I, in turn, am a clone of my mum. I decided the only way for me to be a mum is to model myself in the way she would have done things. Well, I'll do my best to. I don't remember my dad's death hitting me so much but this has just been horrendous. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
t875 · 01/09/2012 17:56

I have been struggling with this lately myself. Its been 5 months and i deseperately want to hear her voice or her call me i just want to talk to her and have her talk back. It kills and hits me bad when i realise i havent spoke to her.

I miss her loads and with my daughter starting seniors i know my mum would be very involved wth it, and her not here to share it all with hurts so bad :-(
we brought her dictionary from my mum, i had a bit of money from her and other little touches in her legacy too.

but just to let you know your not alone and thinking of you and sending hugs x

Mrsloverlovershabba · 01/09/2012 18:36

It is hard. I find it beyond unfair that i will never speak to my Mum again. I think me and t875 are pretty much in the same boat and she gives good advice.

I personally never thought i'd be on bereavement threads! Look after yourself and sending you much love (and to everyone else)

t875 · 05/09/2012 14:26

Hi Shabba, very very hard still for me. :-( Im contemplating grief counsilling now. the last few days last week have been very hard. Missing her so much the pain has been unbearable. Also having my eldest start senior school has been hard too, as we are working out how shes getting there and back and my mum not around to talk to about it all. I just cant believe she isnt here anymore Sad

YouveCatToBeKittenMe · 05/09/2012 14:31

I lost my mum 20 years ago. she never met any of my DC's

It does get easier but there are times even now when I think of something that she would know the answer to, or wonder how different life would be if she hadn't died. I still miss her and certain times and places bring back strong memories. When the children achieve something or reach a milestone I wish she could have met them.

Try to concentrate on the good times rather than the end, it does get easier although I don't think you ever stop missing them.

Frontpaw · 05/09/2012 14:33

I was just totting up how many years it's been for me since my folks died - 11 and 5 years, and is seems so recent for both. Each anniversary for the first couple of years is weird - birthdays, Christmas, etc, and all the things that your kids will miss too.

You just have to keep thinking 'what would mum have said?' or phrases that she would say, or family jokes. That keep them in mind. Talk to your kids about them - 'you look like grandpa when you do that' or tell them stories about when you were a child. This keeps them in the mind of the next generation too.

It gets easier as they years roll on. I suppose we get used to sadness and disappointment as we get older, we accept it more. Don't end up a miserable old cow like me! I get so resentful some days of other people with family etc but I just try to keep busy.

t875 · 07/09/2012 09:24

You'vecattobekittenme and front paw, that's good advise and definately made me think

I have got to stop concentrating on the end and focus on the fun and great times we had together. X

Hope everyone is ok on this thread, x

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/09/2012 11:36

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum to lung cancer 2 years ago now and I miss her just as much now as I did at the beginning although I can now think of the happy times and not just the awful last few months that she had.

Big hugs to you darling. On my mums first anni I lit a candle in a special part of my garden that is her part.....it burned all day in memory of her.

Hugs to us all xx

Frontpaw · 07/09/2012 14:29

And you know what? I didn't lose my parents, fecking cancer took my dad and my mum just died - she gave up! (Told you I wa a miserable cow!).

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/09/2012 14:39

Front - I know what you mean....losing my mum to lung cancer has made me very bitter person (on the inside anyway) whom I dont always like.....I too get jealous of people with mums, esp mums are so bloody awful. My mum was the best mum ever, why should they be here and she isnt!

Losing a parent certainly changes a person.

Frontpaw · 07/09/2012 14:49

Especially if you are 'young'. My folks were both early 70s (not old these days) and I was early and mid 30s.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/09/2012 15:04

Yeah, I was 39 and my sis was 44 - I felt very resentful that my sis got to be with mum when she turned 40 and I didnt...how ridiculous is that. My mum was 72 - too young!

t875 · 08/09/2012 01:23

my mum was 65 died suddenly of a stroke (a massive one) in her sleep Sad i still get angry and cant believe it. Its her birthday in 2 weeks and it breaks me bad to think this time last year i was helping organise her 65th birthday! Just heart breaking! I hope my dad will be ok and wont give up, he seems to be doing ok, but he gets really bad times where he misses her.

t875 · 08/09/2012 01:23

i am so sorry to hear of your losses on this thread.x

OrangeLily · 08/09/2012 02:14

I'm sorry your mum died and missed your baby.

Please write your memories down for your baby. We always say we will and we never have or probably will. That way when the baby is older they will have brilliant stories to share in.

chezchaos · 17/09/2012 22:19

I'm so sorry, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mum to cancer last year - when my youngest was a newborn - and it was completely brutal. It gets easier in a way but the horror often hits me when I realise exactly what she, and we, have lost.

Ponyofdoom · 18/09/2012 19:15

Just want to say 'sorry' too, I had a similar experience to the OP with my Mum over 2 years ago and can see no point in life now. I am also a miserable cow like Frontpaw! It's lucky I have horses and dogs to get up and feed or I wouldnt bother! I don't think theres an answer though I guess it might be worth trying counselling x

chickydoo · 18/09/2012 19:19

How wonderful your mum was loved so much! How proud she would be to have a daughter as courageous,and strong as you.

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