Advice on a sensitive subject at work

[Lexiesgirl]

I hope no one is offended by me posting this here, I thought this topic would be best for me getting helpful suggestions.

I am returning from maternity leave next week after 9 months off. There is a colleague at work who tragically had a full-term stillborn son last year. We were pregnant at the same time, we weren't close friends but as we were the only two pregnant women in the firm at the time we would chat a lot about our pregnancies and our plans for the babies.

She returned to work a few weeks ago. I really don't know what to say to her. I am sure if she is back at work then she was prepared to talk to people about her son, but I think my returning to work will come a bit out of the blue to her (its a biggish firm so she wouldn't have any reason to know I am starting back). I don't know what to say. I want to acknowledge her son and the terrible time she has been through, but I don't want to upset her and I don't want to say too much about my DD even if she asks. I'm terrified I'll be accidentally tactless and upset her.

If anyone could give me some advice on what to say and how to handle this I'd be very grateful.

(Also, if anyone feels this is the wrong topic to be posting in please PM me and I'll ask for it to be moved)

I was in exactly the same situation as you 2 years ago. In the end I didn't know what to say so I said nothing :( The colleague has left the company now and I still feel awful.

If I could re-run my return to work, I would have bumped into her in the corridor and said something like, "Hello, nice to see you. Just before I came back x told me the news about the loss of your baby. I'm so sorry. How are you?" Corridor would have meant it was just us and she could run away if she wanted to without having to face anyone.

I don't think you can assume she is happy to taok about her son just because she is back at work. She could have many reasons that have made her return to work and none of them her choice. My suggestion is to give her a sympathy card or a thinking of you one as I think you should acknowledge her loss.

It isn't your fault you were lucky enough to have a baby but equally it isn't her fault she doesn't.

It must be so raw for her still but you are being kind by thinking of her. The best thing to do is to take her lead, be thoughtful and considerate and don't avoid her.

Thanks both. I think I'll try acknowledging her loss straight up, in the way peasant suggests, and ask how she is, and then let her lead the conversation. Some of my colleagues and I sent a card when it happened last year.

I think saying something is better than saying nothing at all.

One of my close friend's baby girl was stillborn at full-time 4 years ago and she says the thing that hurts the most is that people don't acknowledge her child. She doesn't expect much, just a 'how are you' and 'i am here if you want to talk' She has lost a couple of 'close' friends since her loss - they found it too hard to speak to her, well it can't have been any harder than losing your much wanted baby.

I think that the fact you have come on here to ask advice shows that you are sensitive and sympathetic to her x

LouMacca is spot on and very insightful.

My daughter died of SIDS last year and I have gotten to know some lovely Mums here who have lost babies to stillbirth and neonatal death.

The vast majority of us like for people to first of all mention our babies, ask their names, and give us a chance to talk about them. And all too often, people don't say a thing and it's as if our babies never existed or didn't matter. They think they're being kind and sparing our feelings but it doesn't work that way.

Yes, our eyes may fill with tears but it means so much to us when you mention our children. It's not that you're "reminding" us of our loss. After all, certainly in the early stages, our loss is all we think about. And if we do cry, a hug is always nice!