Sister dying and dysfunctional family

[dysfunctionalme]

Growing up I was one of nine siblings. My father was an amiable intellectual who was away a lot and, when home, would get the younger children through bathtime, stories and bed with minimal fuss.
My mother was wholly unsuited to parenting. She employed a sergeant major style of parenting and disciplined by shouting, hitting and throwing things. She belittled us to our faces and each other and we all teased each other by repeating her putdowns to each other. We were actively encouraged to bully and sneer at each other and, as we got older, we were discouraged from any positive contact with each other.
With the exception of one sibling who my mother adored. She was a very high achiever and generally able to satisfy my mother's wishes for a perfect child.
As we grew up and left home, our contact with each other tapered off as to stay in touch meant incurring our mother's wrath. If we did stay in touch with each other, we were punished with silent treatment or orders to "leave the family".
If we visited our parents, we had to do so one at a time so we couldn't talk to each other because that, in her view, was betrayal.
Fast forward 20 years and we are all living separately with very little contact. The only time we have met up was for our father's funeral.
Now the golden sister is sick, she has a terminal illness and very little time left.
Her situation, as I understand it, is that she is receiving pain relief only and will continue living at her home until it is time to go to a hospice. She states she has she has support from friends and is "in a good space" with it all.

My wish is to support her in any way that she is open to and thus far have written, phoned, and asked to visit/invited her to visit.
She has not responded and I respect this. I want her to know I am here for her but more than that, that I respect how she wants to manage her situation.

My problem is that it feels very sad and I am unsure what to do. In truth I have a lot of anger about her refusal to let me into her life but I do accept that is my problem, not hers. I think I am still very sad about the horrible way we were raised and the sadness keeps coming up. And there are 8 siblings to go! How can I deal with this?

How do other people raised in crazy families manage death and dying?

Thank you for reading this.

What a horrible situation for you all.

I don't have any advice from experience, but am bumping for you.

I think in your situation I would continue to send your sister brief letters remembering any good shared experiences you had, and I would have a think about which siblings I would like to be in contact with, and would start to get in touch with them, perhaps with postcards (if your family still use them, mine does but it's getting increasingly retro i guess).

I wonder if you sister has a partner, or a friend that you know? You could perhaps contact them and get more information about what your sister is really feeling and whether she would like more contact?

How very sad for you all...I'm not sure how you can get through the sadness you are feeling for the loss of the childhood you should have had, but I agree that you should begin the process of starting a relationship with the remaining healthy siblings straight away.
As regards your terminal sister...well, perhaps you could tell her in a letter how you are feeling now. You seem to have regret over your childhood and upbringing and I think that you have little time in which to voice your feelings to her. Please, even if you have no real success in getting through to her, don't regret not trying.
Good luck with your bridge building.

Thank you so much for your responses, I really appreciate your kindness.

joanofachitrave - I really like your idea, I think I will make a little book of memories (words & pictures) for my sister.

I don't know her friends but I will also ask her son if he thinks there's anything I could do.

Solo - I do try to maintain contact with all the siblings... I used to feel very pained about the situation but have, throughout the years, gained a sense of acceptance and go with whatever contact is reciprocated.

I would like to voice my feelings to my sister, as you suggest, and perhaps I should try to put these on paper and take it from there. I am also a bit terrified she will use it to humiliate me (hang up from our childhood) but maybe I can get past this.

Unfortunately, time is short for your terminal sister, but not yet for the others. I truly hope you all can mend the bridges and build a better relationship with one another together.

So very sorry this is happening to you.
I hope you can start to get to know eachother before it is too late.
Time is precious, you can build memories for the both of you if she is willing to accept you into her life.
I lost my brother when he was 16, we were not estranged like your situation but im so very glad for all the time we spent together
I hope u can build those bridges with all your siblings, maybe a letter would be a start?