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Bereavement

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What to tell children?

2 replies

CHST · 27/07/2012 21:56

My mum's partner has just died after a battle with cancer. My two sons knew he wasn't well. They are 5 and 3. He was in hospital for many weeks at the end, followed by hospice and home. I took them to see him just the other day (we live a way away from my family) They weren't scared thankfully at seeing him so poorly. Now I am at a loss how to tell them. The younger won't understand but he asks constantly for him and where he is. The elder has recently been talking about being dead for a while (not in relation to this, just going through a fascination I think) but I don't think he truly grasps what it means. I was brought up c of e but don't go church and am spiritual now and have various beliefs which I don't talk about really with them. I don't want to scare my eldest but I don't want to lie either.
Am sort of in a mixed bag of emotions myself too right now as it was horrid to see him fade away and in pain so a mix of relief he doesnt have to go through this anymore but also hurting for him because he was such a nice man and made my mum so happy and her him. Wondering how she is going to get through this. Life can be so cruel :(

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 28/07/2012 06:54

Just stick to facts - it is adults who have taboos talking about it.Children around the age of 5 have a great interest. Since they were not scared by seeing him ill and they live away it will be easier. Stick to bodies and illness and it being a release. I would steer clear of heaven - it opens up a lot of problems. Also steer clear of words like 'going to sleep'. Stress the love going on and encourage good memories of the person and helping granny.
So sorry for your loss.

lilbreeze · 28/07/2012 07:07

My grandad died when dd1 was almost 4 and she did understand. She'd never actually met him so there was no emotional bond but she sometimes talks about it even now, over a year on, but in a thoughtful way rather than sad or worried.

Obviously your situation is different as the relationship is closer but personally I'm all in favour of honesty. I stressed that dying is nothing to be scared of and it's just normal, but that we feel sad that the person is gone.

Sorry for your loss

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