How can I help him?

[featherbag]

My lovely DH's mum is dying, she's already outlived expectations, we were told last week it was unlikely she'd see out the weekend. She has cancer, and has now reached the stage where she's sleeping 23&3/4hrs a day and is very confused for the short time she's awake. She's in a hospice, parenteral feeds have been withdrawn, she's catheterised and is on hefty doses of painkillers. PILs moved to the middle of nowhere, a long drive from their 2 (grown-up, married) kids, shortly after MILs diagnosis. We have baby DS and both work full time, but are terminally skint, so we've not been able to visit as often as we'd like due primarily to having to decide between being able to pay the bills and buy food and spending the average £130 minimum it costs us to visit.

DH's dad keeps putting off DH and SIL's 'final visit', they've been in heavy denial about her prognosis for a long time and it seems FIL in particular is having to do some high-speed coming to terms with things now denial is no longer an option. I've nursed many people coming to the end of their lives before so I know what the changes to her nursing care mean, and I'm so worried that MIL will pass on before DH gets there. He and his family have decided I and SIL's DH shouldn't visit now (no resentment here, I honestly will do anything they want me to do, I know my feelings are of absolutely no importance right now), and that DS shouldn't go as this would be too upsetting for everyone (PIL's only GC, they've hardly seen him).

DH and his DSIS are going to visit this weekend. I pray she's hanging on to say goodbye to them, as I don't think DH will ever forgive himself or FIL if she dies before they get there. I find myself at a loss how to help DH, particularly as I won't be there. I'm worried that, as I deal with death so often at work (A&E, so can be every shift some weeks) I'm rather desensitised to it, and although I never have a problem finding the right words to comfort a complete stranger when I have my uniform on, I don't have any words to help DH. I feel so helpless, and although I'd never say this to DH (or anyone in RL), I'm angry with FIL for keeping DH at arm's length when what he needs more than anything is time to say goodbye.

Sorry this is so long, does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

I'm glad they're going there this weekend.

You're desensitised to the medical processes etc but you're not desensitised to the emotional impact of bereavement or you wouldn't have posted. You're a parent - you know how much your son loves you; you understand therefore how much your DH loves his mother.

All you can do is listen and hug and be there. Having lost my own parents, I dread DH losing his - because I know the awfulness of what's ahead for him. But you carry on, as you do, and as he will in time. Just keep being the supportive partner it sounds like you already are.

you may be desensitized to the actual death but you wont be to your dh being upset, just reasure him and be led by him if he wants to talk ect

Awful situation, I'm sure you're saying and will be saying/doing all the right things instinctively. Don't overthink your actions/words

I'm really not sure but could you incredibly gently say/ask DH, "Do you think you might go today?" might with an very slight emphasis of should, and spoken as a gentle question.

ekidna, I've been trying to do this for about a week now, I've been as blunt as I dare, but it's as if his dad's denial is blinding him. I've known since the last time I saw her that she didn't have long, I've seen that 'look' too many times to mistake it for anything else. That was only a few weeks ago but even then FIL was talking about going on trips to visit family 'when your mum's better', etc. I'm so relieved it's been decided they'll go soon, I just hope it won't be too late.

could you sound it out with macmillan helpline?
I think there's often guilt whether you do or don't see people before they die so please don't be too hard on yourself if he doesn't make it in time. You've said as much as you could.
xx

I wonder whether you could try the approach of asking him how he might feel if she were to die without his having seen her? In a hypothetical question way? Might help him to examine his feelings.

I've just been through this and it's so hard. We lived much closer than my sil but my fil was in total denial that she was dying. Even fitting for 12 hours he couldn't accept that she just wouldnt recover.

Like you ive had a lot of experience in eolc I know what will happen. I've also lost grandparents etc which my dh never had experienced and my fil is similar. His life plan was that she went first.

However she has now passed away, dh understands now what I told him would happen and the thought processes he may go through. I'd told him to say what he had to say and accept that he may not be there for the final breath. Also it's not a huge massive occasion. Everything doesn't suddenly stop, not like a death you werent prepared for. Life continues as much as you just want it stop.

Dh has been brilliant, he's handled it better than I thought he would. But I also told him I'd answer his questions honestly. Sil I think is ok, she lives away so it's easier. Fil- nightmare!! But he needs to start getting a grip on reality, thought that will come with time. I just wish, probably like you, that he'd accepted what everyone was saying.

I hope your dh gets to see her. I do believe people in end of life get a lot of comfort from this. Its so so hard.

Thanks for the replies, sorry I haven't been back but I've just gotten in from work. So far so good, DH setting off first thing in the morning and MIL still with us. I've spoken to a Macmillan volunteer at work who also happens to be an ex-A&E nurse, she listened, which was more helpful than anything, then told me to be guided by DH in my actions and reactions.