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Original poster

A question of etiquette, is this a bit odd?

17 replies

FredWorms · 11/07/2012 12:54

My neighbours adult son died recently, drugs related, funeral is soon.

I didn't know him, and I don't know her very well; we have spoken a couple of times since his death and she has shared her feelings.

I want to show a gesture on the day of the funeral. I have considered tissue-wrapping a lace handerchief for her and dropping it through the letterbox with a "thinking of you" card/note. Would that be ok, d'you think?

OP posts:
PerVagine · 11/07/2012 12:57

Ohh lovely thought OP but not sure on hankie as it kind of presupposes she will need it and may be triggering in itself.

If it was me: I would pop a card in her letterbox and send a spray of flowers to the church or crematorium.

And of course go and see her for a chat at some point.

Original poster
FredWorms · 11/07/2012 12:59

Hmmm, that's what I was thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
FredWorms · 11/07/2012 13:02

I'm hideously broke, and don't really want to do flowers. I've already sent her a little posy from my garden.

How about a fruit cake, or is that too sort of celebratory, iyswim?

OP posts:
PerVagine · 11/07/2012 13:13

Then just a card is fine OP. I'm sure she will be thinking what a lovely kind thoughtful neighbour she has :)

domesticslattern · 11/07/2012 13:16

Just a card would be the best, I think. And to remember the anniversary next year, when everyone else forgets.

Minty82 · 11/07/2012 13:26

Any sort of meal, so she doesn't have to think about shopping and cooking, if you have time, would be a very practical gesture. Casserole, soup, lasagne, pie etc...cake's a lovely thought too, but making sure she has a good dinner's even better. Poor family, how awful.

IcanandIwill · 12/07/2012 19:37

I second the meal suggestion. After my recent bereavement a neighbour did this for us. I was touched and very grateful.

Original poster
FredWorms · 12/07/2012 22:54

I'm still thinking. She lives alone although I think she may have people staying for the weekend. I don't feel I know her well enough to leave a casserole or similar (I have done this for others in the past), but somehow a cake seems ok.

This sounds bonkers, I'm sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
FredWorms · 12/07/2012 22:55

I've no idea why a casserole seems more personal than a cake Grin

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 12/07/2012 23:13

Probably because a casserole conjures up images of someone mothering you.Smile
When dd died, my neighbour dropped in a shepherds pie. It was exactly what we needed as neither my Mum, dh or I felt up to cooking.

Original poster
FredWorms · 12/07/2012 23:29

OK, ideas then. She may be vegetarian, I know nothing.

OP posts:
jubilucket · 12/07/2012 23:40

We lost my dbrother to alcoholism, aged 38, last August. My mum has really appreciated all the kindness from her neighbours, even the ones she hardly knew (he lived with her for the last few years, the hell of that is a whole other thread... - she couldn't invite anyone round or anything as he was so revolting). She was very touched by all the people who came to the funeral to support her. She'd have squirmed a bit at the lace hanky, and I can't see her appreciating a cake or a casserole, but this is my mum not your neighbour. What she really appreciated was people to talk to. If you do bring a cake, be prepared to sit and help eat it and listen!

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/07/2012 23:42

Fred - if you want to bake a cake, bake a cake. She will have lots of visitors I'm sure and it's nice to have something in to offer them :) But honestly, a card with some genuine words in it is the most treasured thing.

DontSweatTheSmallStuff · 12/07/2012 23:48

My brother died recently. One of the things my parents really appreciated was people dropping by with food so they didn't have to cook etc. Not on the day of the funeral though. That may well all be sorted. The days leading up to the funeral or immediately after may be better, at least they were in our case.

BackforGood · 13/07/2012 00:03

I think a cake or a casserole would be lovely.
I'm not sure about the hanky.
I do know it would be great if you can go round 2,3,or 4 weeks afterwards when most people will have moved back to their normal pattern of life, and that is when she will almost certainly be feeling very low (IME).
As someone said upthread - it's perhaps the being prepared to have a cup of tea and slice of that cake, and actually spend time just listening, if she wants to talk, or just "being" if she doesn't.
You sound like a lovely neighbour to have.

NellyBluth · 13/07/2012 18:14

A card would be lovely, but I agree with backforgood - maybe you could take a cake around in a few weeks time, when she may feel that other people are moving on?

KristinaM · 14/07/2012 21:24

Cake is a lovely idea. Even if she doesnt eat it herself it will give her something to serve to her other visitors. Such a kind thought

Im sure she will have appreciated the posey too

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