How to explain why my dc will never meet their uncle?

[BabyGiraffes]

My darling brother battled through severe depression from the age of 19 and took his own life in his early thirties. I am 8 years younger than him so was very aware of what was going on, and was in my 20s when he died. Still find it hard to talk about him. My dd who's just turned 5 has started asking questions about the person she sees on childhood pictures of me and I have told her that he is my brother but no longer alive ('Does that mean he is not real any more mummy?'). She's happy with this explanation for now but I already dread more questions about why and how he died because it is such an emotive subject with me. Does anyone have any advice/ experience on how honest to be and at what age to tell the truth?

I wouldn't explain it was suicide (yet). Maybe at... I dunno. 10?

I would probably say that he was a lovely person but had a big sadness inside that he couldn't get rid of, he didn't know how to tell people about it or how to fix it, & that made him poorly so he died from it.

Adventures withvoles has some good points . I might actually say though that he was mentally ill - which means his thinking was poorly and didn't work properly and that made him sadder than you could ever imagine. So she doesn't feel that people can just die of being sad in the way she feels sad.

I have explained the how, but not the why, if you see what I mean. I don't want to explain suicide to a 5 year old, and that isn't really what she wanted. So she knows that he had a bump on the head, and that's all she really needs right now.

The other thing is that it's OK to be emotional. My DDs know that I miss my brother and that it makes me sad. It's good for them to know that grown-ups have emotions too. I don't completely loss it, obviously, I save that for when they're in bed and sob on DH's shoulder, but they see that I am quiet and not smiling.

Thanks so much for replies and you are quite right she doesn't need details at this age. I guess my problem is my own reaction at even mentioning him and not her question as such. Children tend to take things at face value, don't they.

Yes, they do. It's a blessing, they don't have any idea of the emotional impact of death on adults, so they can talk about it quite logically and dispassionately. My DD asks me when I'm going to die, if I'll die before her, if her grandparents are going to die soon because they're old, and all sorts of other things. It doesn't bother her a bit.

I hope that this next bit comes over in the spirit that it is intended. If you can't cope with your daughter mentioning him, are you OK yourself? I mean, I know that it's always going to be a bit of a gaping wound, and I know that I'll never have a normal conversation about my brother; I always congratulate myself afterwards for being brave if he comes up when I'm chatting to friends. But you sound so very raw and upset. Do you think that it might help to get some grief counselling so that you can talk about him in a safe place? He was obviously such a special person to you.

MrsTittleMouse - you do have a very good point there and yes I do wonder if I should get some help. This all happened 16 years ago next week so it's not as if it's quite so recent!!!! My dd's questions really threw me and I found my original post incredibly hard to write.

Hi BabyGiraffes. I'm so sorry about your brother. My sister died in her early thirties from the same cause.

We tell our small children that she had an illness in her brain that the doctors couldn't fix. The illness made her think that she shouldn't be alove anymore and so she stopped herself from breathing and died.

Winston's Wish have lots of experience in supporting families with bereaved children, and they have resources specially to help with how to cope with suicide. There's one called Beyond the Rough Rock (I think) that they can send you to give you some guidance on approaches and how to answer questions. Also they have a helpline - do call them, as they are great at supporting the parents as much as the children.

I second Winston's Wish. I had professional dealings with them and they are a remarkable organisation providing amazing support and advice to bereaved children.

Oh I really feel for you, it's so hard.
I'm afraid I don't know the answer. My dd is two and asked today at my sister's grave: 'where is she? is she far away? Is she sleeping somewhere? Shall we find her?'
At the moment she's too little to understand at all, but like you I've no idea how to address this when she gets older.

This has reminded me that there is also Survivors of Suicide - www.allianceofhope.org/?gclid=CIfzpIncjLECFYzbfAodDT7tfg

It is so horrible, isn't it? I found that I was bereaved all over again when I had my children, and they didn't have an uncle. It felt like a fresh loss. :(

I'm so sorry you lost your brother. The only thing I would add to the sensible advice you've received is that it is important to tell your dd the truth at some point. I found out that a family member who had died when i was very little had committed suicide when I was a teenager. I'd always known they'd died but found it very difficult to take in at that point. I understand now how difficult it would be for my parents to tell me and as time went on finding the right moment would have become difficult but because of that and a couple of other key family info they "softened" I find it hard to trust my parents versions of things.

Thank you all again, will look at those links, follow those suggestions.
and [biscuits] and to everyone having had the same experience.
Mole I completely agree and when my girls are older I will explain what happened to their uncle.

Oddly though, when people ask me how many siblings I have I always include him (because he is still my brother) but then when questioned what my siblings do/where they live I tend to gloss over him... Or if someone realises I missed one out will be vague and say he died in an 'accident' (white-ish lie as I don't think the overdose was an accident...) . Not proud of lying but I find it hard enough to discuss him and suicide still has quite a stigma attached to it.

I'm the same. I only had one sibling, so if I'm asked there's not really a way around his death. I'll say that I had a brother and that he died, even the how of his death, but the why is reserved for people that I know and trust.

My Dad still hasn't worked out what the answer is to the question "how many children do you have?". :(