Please could someone help with wording a card for a very difficult and sad situation

[poachedeggs]

I really hope this isn't the wrong place to post this and I am sorry if so.

A mum friend has given birth to twins, one of which has not survived. It has been known throughout the pregnancy that this baby would not live beyond birth and so the poor family have had to endure months with the knowledge that this would happen.

I cannot even begin to imagine what this would be like. The extremes of joy and sadness all at once must be so difficult to cope with, and I can imagine people may not know what to say to her etc.

I don't think she wants condolence cards (this was what she said before the birth) so I will send her a congratulations card, but I wonder if it might be appropriate to send a note separately just saying how sorry I am for her loss and that I am thinking of her and to offer any help and support I can. I was thinking of getting her a gift for herself rather than giving one baby gift IYSWIM.

I am not a very sensitive person and I don't want to offend her or be cumbersome but neither do I want to avoid her or pretend she only had one baby. So very sad for her :(

Any advice on what might be appropriate would be very gratefully received.

This is a translation froma Danish bereavement card. I find it moving (and recently used it in a situation almost identical to yours, sadly)

Some people come into our lives and go quickly again
Others stay for a while and leave a trace in our hearts and we will never be the same again

Thank you for that, it's appropriate I think. I'm sorry that someone you know has been through this too :(

I would agree that those words are beautiful.

However, if I may, I might suggest that a blank picture card rather than a congratulations one might be better - your friend and her family will have so many mixed emotions right now, and in this way, you can acknowledge both the happiness and sadness of the whole situation. The acknowledgement will be the most important part though.

You seem like a lovely friend - I expect it will mean a lot if, going forward you can allow your friend talk about the twin who died if she wants to, whenever she wants to. Many people want to ignore the death of a young child, and feel more comfortable in talking about the positive side of life, her surviving twin. It may be hard, but it will mean so much to her if you can let her know she has this 'safe' space with you. (Sadly, I know this directly. I lost my 13-month-old daughter unexpectedly last October, and now I am pg - and we have been very clear that this wonderful news will never negate our terrible loss.)

miasmummy, I am so happy for you that you are pregnant again, you will be a wonderful Mummy to this baby just as you have been to your beautiful little Mia.
op, I think just saying something simple along the lines of your post would be about right, you can send congratulations but also say you are very sorry for their loss and that you realise one does not negate the other. Just acknowledging that two babies were born is a good thing in itself as i imagine many people will shy away from mentioning it, and the parents might feel that as they do have one surviving twin, they aren't given space to grieve in quite the same way as someone losing a single child. I think if you say what you feel, then you won't go far wrong.

We had a similar situation with our twins, but it was a horrific shock. I have no advice other than please don't say you know how they feel or compare this 'bittersweet' situation to something that happened to you, for example your dog dying the same week as your wedding

We had a lot of cards that had pictures of dandelion clocks, butterflies etc. The ones that meant the most were the ones where people took the time to write more than a line or two. Some just signed names, I found it tended to be those people who never mentioned it again.

:( So sorry for your friends. :(

What you have written in your OP is very good and sensitive and would form a very good basis for wording in your card/letter, just changed a bit so it addresses the family (don't forget the father of the babies too).

Something like:

I cannot even begin to imagine what this is like for you. The extremes of joy and sadness all at once must be so difficult to cope with, and as your friend I really don't know what to say. But I will always be there for you, and as someone who has been there since the beginning I will always remember Baby as well as Baby _

Does that sound like something you can say? Because you pretty much did.

Thank you all for your help.

And to Miasmummy and Loopy, big hugs. I especially appreciate your replies.