Is it right to carry on as normal?

[Lloyd1988]

We found out that our baby's heart had stopped beating on 22nd June, I was 34 weeks pregnant. Naomi was born sleeping on the 29th June. Me and my oh are trying to cope day to day, sometimes we sit and cry sometimes we watch rubbish tv and laugh at the little things. We have theatre tickets for Thursday night which we bought before our loss. Do we go? I know that if we don't we will just spend the night sat in our living room watching tv trying not to think of our beautiful girl but when I think about going I feel guilty that we could even consider having a night out and enjoying ourselves when our little girl is gone and we haven't even had the funeral yet. I just don't know how we should feel, act or carry on.

At the moment you are living moment by moment. If you both feel up to going then go. You may also consider talking to the bereavement service the hospital or you gp should help you with this. My thoughts are with you x

I'm so very sorry for your loss Lloyd. To answer your question, there's not a right or wrong thing to do with yourselves. You just do whatever it is that gets the hour or day or night to pass.

Feeling guilty about being normal is completely normal, but it really is OK. It's OK to laugh as well, and really to carry on just as you please. You get a pass for a while on behaving in any particular way.

If anyone tells you otherwise, just think of them as being a bit out of their depth, in that they have no clue what you're going through.

I'm very sorry for your loss of baby Naomi. Often people describe numbness in the initial stages of loss which allows them to carry on. We lost our baby boy recently and I've found that the last few weeks have been like a rollercoaster of emotions. I think that it's perfectly normal to feel normal then normal for feeling guilty for doing so. It's perfectly normal to have times when you just cry or can't function. It's normal to feel lost and not to know how to feel.

If you feel like going then go and that will be right for you. There's no right or wrong at this time, as Zeno says. Take what you can from people who are there to support you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilty. You've got enough emotions to deal with, you just need to get through these dreadful first few weeks in whatever way you can and if that means doing something normal like going to the theatre or watching rubbish TV then so be it. We lost our baby two months ago and like you, I was surprised to find that DP and me could still laugh at silly stuff. It doesn't diminish your loss but actually I'm grateful for any shred of normality or laughter and intend to grab it with both hands when it comes. Just see how you feel on the day. Wishing you strength.

I'm very sorry that you loss your beautiful Naomi. The pain & grief is still fresh and you must be confused of what to do. There's no right or wrong thing to do in the situation. You just need to do what you feel like doing to momentarily escape from the grief.
I loss my girl Isabel one month ago in a very simiar way like yours. My little girls heart stopped beating at 39weeks & was born sleeping. The day after her funeral, me and DH watched a movie together just to escape from the deep sorrow.
I wish you strength, love ang light.

Just do whatever it takes to get you through. Anything that fills your day, really.
Wishing you much strength

lloyd I am so sorry about your beautiful Naomi. Of course you don't know how to act or feel. Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a much-wanted, beloved child. It hurts so much.

But the advice here is good. There is no right and wrong in doing anything, or doing nothing... just allow yourself to feel. Whatever that may be. Guilt about feeling happy is normal, but do recognise if the theatre will provide some momentary relief from the exhaustion of guilt, then it isn't a bad thing. You are going through the hardest situation in the whole world.

As we say often on the bereaved mothers' thread - one breath at time. One step at a time. If you feel it would help, please feel free to post about Naomi here.

Miaalexandrasmummy, your thread has struck a chord and had me in tears many an evening
I hope you are well and surviving. For (as another lady her said to me once) we are the walking wounded.