DP's closest friend died suddenly the other week. What can we take his wife?

[LoveAndSqualor]

Hey everyone, looking for some advice. DP's best friend died very suddenly a few weeks ago, leaving his wife and two young children (five and three). The funeral and everything's out of the way now, and DP's going over this weekend to visit. I was wondering whether anyone with any experience of this sort of situation could suggest things his wife might want or need?

I thought it'd be good to cook up a bunch of meals to stick in her freezer, so she doesn't need to worry about cooking in the evenings, and we've ordered some box sets from Amazon and a couple of DVDs for the children, to occupy them if she needs time to herself at any point. But is there anything else that would come in useful - or just provide a welcome distraction? It's so hard to know how to help - any thoughts very welcome.

What you are taking is nice and will help her practically. There is the natural compulsion to try and make everything ok when someone is bereaved, I think the best you can do is contact her regularly, let her talk if she wants or not if that's what she wants, and maybe take the kids out once in a while if she'd like to give her some rest.

thanks Whenthetoad - you're totally right: your instinct is to try and fix things, and it's completely unfixable. I'd thought about taking the kids out if she needs a break, good to have that confirmed. I'll tell DP to reiterate that when he goes over.

What you have done is perfect, and it's after the funeral etc that people get sort of forgotten about. So, give her that again in a fortnight:

or take the kids out for a couple of hours
or got to the cinema
or text her to say "just thinking of you"

And, mark on your calendar for the special days - anniversary of his death, their wedding anniv, birthday, etc. And, watch for next father's day, might be a bit of a wobbly one.

People need time and to know that they are not forgotten. Or, that's how it was for me.

Agree with whenthetoadcamehome, i think what you have planned is very thoughtful. When my brother died I found it very difficult and didn't know how to deal with it. I found a book called "on grief and grieving' by Elizabeth kubler-Ross helpful. It's rather American but helped me to understand that there is a process to go through before you can come to terms with my loss, and to appreciate what my family were going through.

Agree with the regular contact. People often don't want to say the wrong thing when you are bereaved and so don't mention what has happened or the person who has died for fear of causing upset. In fact in my experience it's quite the reverse, it's good to talk about how much you miss them and express anger and sadness at their loss.

You sound like a lovely friend

thanks mybabyweight - and so sorry to hear you've been through it. I figured that might be the case: lots of help and support for the first couple of months, then a vacuum. Really good thought about the important dates - and just repeating with food and so forth over the coming weeks. Thank you

Gah! my didn't work first time.

Brandnew, very sorry to hear about your brother; thanks for the book recommendation. Will be good for both DP and his friend's wife to have each other to talk to, I think.

My mum was widowed at 31 when pregnant with me and an 18 month old. I know she was terribly lonely and struggled with the practical aspects of 2 children. As others have said, it is further down the line when she'll really appreciate a friendly phonecall or an afternoon to herself.

A freezer of meals is a wonderful idea.

God, JollyBear, you're poor mum. Yes, I can imagine the loneliness must be awful. I lived alone with my DS for a while, and found that lonely enough, especially at the weekends when everyone else was doing family stuff; in the context of bereavement it must be wrenching. Will make sure to keep offering wrt outings and childcare.

My mother, when widowed, found one of the hardest aspects was that very suddenly you are not a member of the "couples" crowd anymore. I think friends and relatives who still have a partner can gloss over this aspect and invitations to couples events dry up suddenly. You need to be tactful, of course, and avoid any suggestion of match making. But ask yourself next time there is an occasion when, in past times, you would have automatically included her as a couple--would it be nice to include her? IYKWIM. Saturday nights can be particularly difficult.

You and your DH sound lovely.

It may be too soon, but if your DH has any photos of his best friend that his widow may not have, putting together a collage/ photo book of some of them might be a nice idea for her.

Your ideas for what to take sound perfect and what she may also appreciate is some time - again maybe not yet, but worth asking - where you could maybe look after the children for a couple of hours and let her get some time on her own? I don't know if she has lots of family etc. to help out but even offering would probably help, if she knows she has someone else to call on when she needs it.

You're doing the right things, and I agree about it being more important to do something to let her know you're still thinking of her a few months down the line - all the support and encouragement does tend to tail off very quickly.

If she hasn't found them already, Winston's Wish and the Merry Widow discussion board are very useful for young widows with children.

Do they live near you, and does she have any brothers? One thing I have found, since losing DH when my DCs were 8 and 3, is that the children have missed out a bit on some of the activities that children typically do with dads rather than mums - kicking balls around and that sort of thing - and just having a friendly adult male around. I do outdoorsy things with them, but I think it's healthy for them to get a dose of blokey messing around sometimes.

Mine do have uncles and family friends, and I have noticed that DS in particular loved having time with them. Obviously your DH can't step in as a dad-substitute, but if your DCs are a similar age, then maybe in future you might be able to include their children in some weekends and activities.

Absolutely agree with Mycat. I was widowed last year and I have 4 & 2 year old DDs. I do feel it if I know people avoid inviting me to something as it's couples. I am still a person!

L&S, I think what you & your DP are planning sounds pretty much spot on. And I agree with continuing the help and support going forwards. Now is the time that people are still around & helping. It's 3, 6, 12 months down the line where it is still relentless and painful but you are no longer at the forefront of people's minds. And of course you're not, as everyone has their own life to live.

Are you close by them? One of the hardest times I find is the late afternoons/evenings. It is so full on, coming home from school, getting tea on, playing, clearing up, bath time, reading, bed. By the time the girls are in bed I usually feel ready for mine! I think it's quite nice to present some things as a fait accompli sometimes....your friend may not always realise she needs help until she's in the middle of a crisis.

How's your DP coping with the loss of his best friend? It must be terribly hard on him (and you) too. I know that over one year on, one of DH's closest friends still can't speak of him without breaking down. One suggestion that you might want to consider is to do some sort of fund raiser in memory of your friend. Donate the money to a charity close to the widow's heart. I personally think it's an incredibly rewarding thing to do - it feels like you are doing something very positive, in memory of a good person and for a good cause.

Rindercella, mycat ET al are spot on about invitations to things you'd have been a cert for in a couple. My mum was widowed relatively young and has struggled with seeing couples everywhere and being missed out by friends who would never have overlooked her when her DH was around. She also find it hard making new friends and doing new things on her own, so maybe later on in the next year or so suggest you or DH join her in a new activity whilst the other babysits for her.

Hey, thank you all SO much for your thoughts, and I'm so, so sorry that so many of you have been through this.

exexpat lovely idea about male presence. DP is actually godfather to the oldest DS, so has that role in a semi-official capacity. My DS is between the ages of their two, so lots of scope for boy-focused outings. And we're closer by than her family, I think, so offers of babysitting are a very good idea.

Rindercella, how are you doing? I remember your threads around the time your DH died; really hope you and your DDs are ok. Thanks for asking about DP - he's devestated. The charity idea's a really interesting one, thank you.

sheesh - devastated.

L&S, we're doing pretty good thanks. The girls and I all have our moments, but mostly we're coping & getting on with life. Of course I wish DH was here. But as hard as it is to admit, it does get a little easier, bit by bit. And then it smacks you back in the face again!

Were your DP & his friend involved in any clubs/sports together? As that could be a potential fund raising thing to do. DH used to play/coach football and two of the clubs he was with held a charity match in his memory back in April. It raised £750 and they have decided to make it an annual thing, which is great and it keeps DH's memory alive.