My lovely Mother has gone –should I proceed with the coroner’s inquest or is it pointless?

[lonelyplanetmum]

My lovely Mum died in January 2012 following a stroke. I miss her desperately and still can?t believe I will never speak to her or hug her again. I am weeping as I try and write this but I do need some help from wise and expert Mumsnetters.

The story leading to my Mother?s death is a little complicated. Basically there were possibly some medical errors leading to her death. She had been on the drug warfarin for about 5 years following a previous milder stroke. Although she was 87 she was as witty and entertaining as ever. Mum was always anxious about her medication as she said she knew it was keeping her alive. To cut a long story short, doses of warfarin vary, and Mum telephoned the GP with her concerns about whether she had been taking the right number of warfarin tablets. The GP made a decision (over the phone) to stop the warfarin. Ten days later Mum had a massive stroke, was rushed to hospital and then after a horrific few weeks she died.

Because of the circumstances of her death, the coroner was notified and basically gave me the option of having an inquest or not. I said yes to the inquest initially because I thought it may help other families to learn from this sequence of events.

On the one hand nothing will bring my Mum back. I do know that she probably wouldn?t have had long to live anyway. On the other hand I do think if the GP had left her on warfarin (and perhaps contacted me about helping to manage the dosage) then Mum would still be here now. She may have lived into her 90?s so that she would have seen her grandchildren start school and that they would have a greater chance of remembering her.

I am supposed to have prepared a long statement for the coroner and I am having real trouble making myself do it. I just find it really hard to make myself face remembering everything.I have sort of blocked it all out. I am also stressed with the usual issues of trying to work and care for my Dad and two young children. So should I just say we won?t bother with the inquest, as it won?t bring Mum back or should I make myself face it? Or do I honour her memory by proceeding with it?

My husband is just starting a new business and is very distracted and not really interested to be honest. My Dad has bad Alzheimer?s and needs a lot of care himself and so is of no help to me with this dilemma. What is the right thing to do?

There is no right or wrong thing to do. You have to decide what feels right. But first, my sympathies, I am so sorry you have lost your mum. You need to give yourself to time to grieve and to adjust to live without her. It will be hard and there may be days when you just don't want to get out of bed. But time is a great healer.
An inquest will not bring her back. But it may give you some closure on the medical decisions taken at the time. But try not to focus solely on an inquest, if that is the decision you make. Try and remember your mum as she was, witty, entertaining, obviously a lovely lady.
I hope this helps.

I'm sorry for your loss. Your mum sounds like she was a sparky lady.

What may help you to decide what to do, is thinking about how you might feel in a few years' time. When you're looking back, will it help you to know that you did as much as you could to find out about her death, or that, ultimately, it doesn't matter now?

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate already. Take care.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate in addition please be gentle with yourself. There is no right or wrong decision I think you need to think about whether or not I will help you to know. in 5 years time for example will you alway be wondering?

Thank-you very much Bills, Heath and Mama your comments have already helped me rationalise my thoughts more clearly.
I have realised that it doesn?t help me to know what the coroner says. In my own mind I am certain that if she had been kept on her medication, the stroke wouldn?t have happened precisely when it did. She would have been here now and for a little while longer. However I also know that in some ways if she hadn?t had the stroke, she would have had a lot to cope with seeing my father deteriorate further and attempting to care for him.

I think I am narrowing it down to whether I help other families by going ahead with the inquest. Will I help another family going through the slightly premature loss of a dearly loved family member?