ds(7) so very very angry that my mum has died .. help needed

[frasersmummy]

We lost my mum 6 months ago now

I thought ds was coping ok with it but then dh was taken into hosp about 3 weeks ago and since then ds's behaviour has got worse and worse.. screaming, throwing swearing kicking

today I asked him to sit down and write me a letter about how he felt, he was struggling to write the words so i said ok pretend I am not here , just say it I will write it

he is angry that my mum was taken so young (68) and his pals gran is still alive at 101. He is angry at the doctors for not helping my mum but then the doctors are sent by god so its his fault
He is angry that he only got 6 years with this nana and he therefore doesnt have many happy memories
Mum was very ill in the last few years so really he probs doesnt have many memories of days out etc.

He is just so so angry that he cant go see his nana any more

he knows she is not really gone and she is in his heart.... but I still want to see her and hug her ...its not fair mum

any advice on how to help him would be appreciated

Its grieving ,theres so many stages to it and anger is one of the 'steps'......it might help if you tell him you are angry too that you want to kick and shout and scream its not fair!!,could you share that 'anger' maybe join a martial arts class or go for bike rides etc to 'release' it? stand on a hill and scream and shout??

Perhaps you could do something worthwhile with his anger? could you collect pennies for a cancer charity? could you sell some 'stuff' on ebay and donate a bit?

He cant see his Nanna but he can still love her could he have a special pot in the garden where he can plant stuff and sit there and think of nanny?

Would church help? a real place to sit and pray and think of Nanny?

There are charities that might be able tofind some counselling for him,but it really is ok to be angry and it will pass ........hope you are ok,yourself- Mums shouldnt ever die they should always be here for us (my mum died when I was 11).

Just re read and realise your Dh was unwell too - I think this has taken the scab of his grieving so to speak and everything has tubmed out again,hes probably frightened and uncertain - i think a childs mind is like a box of drawers and their feeling are all on scraps of paper waiting to be put away in the right order .....leave those papers to sort out themselves and child becomes confused later in life,help them sort their paperwork out bit by bit little and often.

thank you .. I did tell him I was angry at god too.. he looked really shocked and said ... so its ok to be angry at god .. thought that would really wrong

I have suggested that he goes to nana's garden where he can say what he likes.. he can sit there quietly and think if he wants..

we are going to do that too..

its just really hard

It is very hard I know,hard on you all x

Hiya

Just a little suggestion that I am trying with my little boy at the moment who is 5, I got a pack of worry dolls and a dream catcher. Know it probably sounds ridiculous but he is meant to tell his worrys to the dolls before he goes to sleep and put them under his pillow and the dream catcher to try and help if he has any bad dreams. Have also got a memory box off winstons wish that he can put some special bits in, and have named a star. The deal that I got also sent a keyring with his brothers name in, in the shape of a star, and the star is placed at the gateway to heaven (apparently) so he can look at it when he wants. Another thing which sounds ridiculous as well, but he uses the baby monitor to talk to his brother every night, in private, I am not allowed to listen, but I did hear him say that he missed him because he was a good fighter! One of his main problem is that he thinks that he is going to live in heaven too, because I have also lost my mum and this is the 2nd time he has had to deal with it - so I have got some kids books off amazon about grief and also that no matter what book so that he knows that he is safe.

I know these don't help with the anger directly but they may be able to help dissapate it. I am in the dark with it all too its awful.

xxxx

frasersmummy it is hard for a 7 yo to understand and the fact his behaviour became worse after your dh was taken to hospitl- you can see what he's thinking and worrying about.

My gran ( the DC only great grandparent) died a few years back at the age of 95. She was fit and healthy but unfortunately had a fall which resulted in a fractured skull.

Then my FIL was ill for about 6 months and he died in his mid 60s.
It was hard to answer the DC questions -we didn't know ourselves and we didn't want to blithley say "Oh yes he'll be fine" but they were obviously worried that he wold die.

For me the saddest, most poignent part was DS sitting up in bed asking me why Grandad (my dad) didn't buy Great-Gran some Calpol, because that's what I did to make him better.

He had absolute faith in my ability as a mum and the power of Calpol to make him better. ( I didn't try to explain that fractured skulls were beyond the capabilities of Calpol).

I suppose just talk and listen. Don't let him think that any of his ideas are silly or that his frears are un-noticed.
I had to hug my DS re-assure him. Now ,years later we have an in-family 'joke' about the Calpol.

My DD is 6 and we lost my mum last month - she is angry that nana went to heaven without her and they can't do sticking and drawing anymore or she cant go to nanas house after school without her stinky brothers :)

She is also petrified out of bed 6 or 7 times a night that mummy or daddy will just go to heaven while she is asleep :( She dosn't quite get it that MIL and her mummy and daddy (great grandparents) are all alive and her nana died she was 62 while they are both in late 80's she kept telling them i spose you will die soon too thankfully they see the funny side and have a joke with her that they can't go soon as they have the doggies to look after.

We have just been giving her extra hugs, and told her nana would be proud of her at school and that we are not planning on going anywhere for a very long time .... she has insited she live with us until she is 100 ;)

My Dad died 3 weeks ago. I live abroad and had to fly back to the UK for 10 days to sort out the paperwork and funeral.

The day I got back home my son's best friend's Dad died very suddenly. My DS is 9 and his behaviour and moods have been very unpredictable since. He hates it when I go out, and is constantly asking what time I'll be back and how long I'll be gone. He has had terrible mood swings and is clearly very angry, but his rage turns to tears very quickly. On Saturday he got unreasonably cross because he couldn't stick something together and ended up screwing the whole project up and throwing it across the room, and then storming to his room in floods of tears. He then had a full on tantrum: completely out of character.

I, on the other hand, feel completely numb over my Dad's death - as though it has happened to someone else.

I suppose there are many different stages to grieving, and everyone experiences them differently, at different times and for different lengths of time. But I think my lovely DS has suddenly realised that life is finite for everyone - even the people he loves.

Poor you - you are really going through it at the moment.

It sounds like he is really upset about your DH being in hospital and maybe scared that he won't come home. Is there a friendly doctor there he can speak to - I am sure he has a million questions he'd like answers to.

Have you told him how you feel too? Sadly, he is at a 'bad' age - too old for 'she's happy in heaven, watching over us all...' but not too old for 'it's just not fair'.

Speak to him about it, explain gently what happened, and try to focus on something positive (maybe charity work, or a sponsored walk). Also explain that 101 is a very good age!

My DS1 was 8 and was very badly affected when my dad died - more so than his sister or brothers. In the end we contacted Cruse and a wonderful lady came out to visit him on his own at our home so that he could talk about grandad. I can't remember how long she came for (it was weekly - 6 weeks sounds right) but they made a memory book during the visits. The last page of the book had a photo of dad's headstone.

DS1 was his old self at the end of her visits.

thank you for all the lovely responses.. I think I will find someone for him to talk to
and the charity thing might be a really good thing for him

I think bcos it will be someone he didnt know before his nanny died he will find it easier to open up

Cruse might be worth chatting to. The Cruse counsellor I saw did book me in for 6 weekly sessions at a time. Winston's Wish have some brilliant resources and I have contacted them myself in desperation when I was 4000 miles away and struggling with DD1. If you're in Oxfordshire, Seesaw are fab. If you're elsewhere then there may well be a local charity to help too.

So sorry you're going through this and that you have lost your Mum. It must be very tough on you. I hope your DH gets better soon.

Sorry for everyone's losses, but twinkle, my heart goes out to you.