My DGDs 'other' Nana is dying and I need advice

[Mindyourownbusiness]

Hi everyone, my sons two DDs maternal grandmother has cancer - all been very sudden and now it's only a matter of time for the poor woman - had chemo the lot, nothing else they can do. My DGDs absolutely adore her - their mother has split from my son btw. They go and stay at their DGPs house with their mum every holidays/some weekends and they adore going staying there - it/she is a big important part of their lives. They are 11 and 8 yrs old.

I just feel so bloody sad on her behalf and on theirs and her DH and their mother (my sons ex- they are very amicable btw).
I hardly know the woman I have only met her a few times at family birthdays etc but a lovely lovely lady - just a really nice , 'cosy' 'homely' couple iykwim without sounding patronising I hope.

I mean I dont know what to do. I dont want to appear ghoulish ( as l dont see her normally or in contact with her ) but I feel as if l want to go and see her or write to her - just to reach out to her as we share two gorgeous granddaughters in common and just tell her how sorry l am and ask if there's anything l can do/reassure her l will keep great care of our two dgds and be a good friend to their mum (her DD obv.who depends on her greatly). I have already told my son if there's anything l can do to help with regards to minding the DGDs ( l was thinking about her funeral really as l dont know what the family 'policy' would be on them attending) if they wanted them near but at a slight distance iyswim. They live a few hundred miles away from me but l would travel at drop of a hat if it helped so they could have them there with family but not at the actual ceremony.

My son has asked me if l would come to her funeral but l just think that's incredibly sad to not see/communicate with someone before they die but turn up at their funeral. But l would like to pay my respects as her counterpart and support my two DGDs/my son (whom she adores and always welcomed to her home even since the split) and my ex d-i-l.

God it's difficult isnt it ? I mean l cant even send her a card can l ? 'Get well soon' not going to be appropriate really is it and you cant really write to someone and say sorry to hear you are dying !! obviously but l just know l will regret not saying something , anything some sort of respect /acknowledgement to her for being a wonderful grandmother to 'our girls' and instead just writing it on a funeral bouquet instead - seems futile.

Any thoughts ? Sorry it's a real ramble - my heads in a mess about this (obviously!)

I think a letter saying how sad you are to learn of her illness, and just wanted to let her know that you are thinking about her. You can then go on to say what wonderful grandchildren you share, and how you hear all about the times they have with her, and how much they love her.

Maybe send flowers while she's here to enjoy them?

..oh and she is only 57yrs old btw so not an elderly grandmother by any means, though l appreciate that would still be incredibly sad for people involved l hasten to add.

If your son's relationship with his ex is good, do you think she might appreciate a note from you saying how you'll do anything you can to help now or in the future?

You sound lovely.

No, probably a 'get well soon' card isn't terribly appropriate but a lovely card with no pre-printed message, with the words you said above....saying how sorry you are, how you wish her peace, saying what a wonderful grandmother she has been - perhaps share a memory of your DGDs with her - and to assure her that you will be there for your mutual DGDs is a really, really lovely thing to do. I am not sure if going to see her is a good idea - I guess ask your son or his ex whether this would be appropriate.

As for the funeral, I think regardless of whether you have seen her recently, it'd be a nice idea for you to go. You can take more of a back seat and help out with your DGDs to take the pressure of their mother but still pay your respects.

People tend to feel so helpless in times like this, but you are doing the right things...it's crap for everyone and of course you can't do anything to make it better (nobody can), but you can perhaps do a couple of things to make it slightly easier.

What a sad situation. I have no direct experience but fwiw I would write to her - I think it would be lovely to tell her how much you admire her as gm to your gds and how much they adore her. As you say, far better to tell her while she is alive than after she's gone. Good luck.

Thank you Alandj that is a lovely idea - and so obvious really . I just got all worked up about steering clear of an upbeat 'get well soon' but OTOH not wanting to mention her predicament. But yes you are right l could just refer to her 'illness' and say l am 'thinking about them' rather than sending 'sympathy' - that sounds a lot better.
Do you think a 'let me know if there's anything I can do ?' would be appropriate or does that sound silly as well... because there isnt really anything anyone can do is there. !

God it's all so sad.

I would check with your son (it is of course all very dependent on what his relationship is like with his ex, and what your relationship is like with her actually) and see if it's a good idea to have a chat with your exDIL. Give her a call and say how sorry you are to hear about her mother's prognosis; how you remember her being such a lovely, warm woman. Ask if there's anything specific you can do, offer to have the children. Could you go and stay nearby for a while while her mother is dying to take some of the strain? I don't know how practical that is for you? Childcare when someone is dying is really bloody important. If she says no, just accept that and don't be offended.

One of the problems of being asked if you need help is that you quite often don't know what you need until you actually need it iyswim. Sometimes it is better for things just to be done for you - shopping done, childcare taken care of, etc. But all of that entirely depends on your relationship with your exDIL and whether or not she'd appreciate you helping.

It's a tricky one and I do feel for you. But by asking, you are doing the right thing.

Thank you Ajand Wombers and Rinders

Yes Ajand my son and his ex have a great relationship and one reason this lovely lady is still so fond of and welcoming to my son since their split is because he is such an amazing devoted dad to the girls she in fact thought her daughter a fool to let him go so l think l will put that in a letter too (about the helping bit) - xposts so you answered my question before l asked it you

Rinders thank you for saying l sound lovely - l do my best.
Yes a blank card would solve my dilemma about the kind of card - obvious again really - like l say just got myself all frazzled about this. l think you're right about not going to see her ,unless asked obviously , l just will always regret not ever going to see them in the past really - have been in their area the odd time - and having more of a relationship but l guess that's modern life and then you turn round and it's too late . Also l will definitely go to her funeral to support /babysit if nothing else but l would rather do some however small thing now for her as you say or l know l'll regret not doing.

Thank you Wombat - you have put it in a nutshell really - much better to say it when people are still here.

Thank you all. I have to go out now but will look in later on so please dont think me rude if dont reply to further posts till later.

You sound so very refreshing.

I would send a blank card, or bunch of flowers with a note saying something along the lines of ?thinking of you and thanking you for being such a good grandma to our lovely girls, would love to hear from you if you feel up to it.?

Maybe after the funeral your girls and their mum may need a break, could they come to stay with you? An invite may be appreciated?

I cried reading your post, 57 is no age at all is it. How tragic for the whole family. I think you could go and visit, I'm sure she would be happy to hear you say that you are caring all you can for the dgds and will help when ever it is needed. You could telephone and ask if a visit would be welcome, is she at home or in a hospice? A hospice tends to be for the last couple of weeks so if she is there then I would think of visiting as soon as you can.
If a visit isn't on the cards then a letter would be lovely, saying some of the immensely touching things you wrote in your OP. You don't need to mention death, but you can say that you will always be there for her daughter and your mutual grand-daughters, say how much she is loved by them, that kind of thing.
I agree you sound lovely, and am very sorry about this desparately sad situation.

Hi Helly (we were both on the thread about the old man who lost his dog before) Thank you for your kind words. I have in fact phoned my son today and texted my eldest DGD and then my ex d-i-l a couple of times but she went straight to answering machine ( l hate leaving messages l always mess up - especially something delicate like this,could be disastrous! ) so l have just hung up so she will see the missed calls and hopefully phone me back. If not l will text her tomo evening. Unfortunately she is very lapse in keeping in touch ,acknowledging cards etc etc since they split up so in the present situation she will probably be even less inclined !
I havent fallen out with her at all and when l bump into her the odd occasion she is fine with me and l always playfully scold her for not keeping in touch and she laughs and says she's sorry and she's terrible at things like that etc etc and 'what am l like' (meaning herself) and so forth. I didnt take sides at all when they split - in fact made a point of letting her know l wouldnt do so and told her I would always be her friend - she gave me two gorgeous DGDs after all. I send her a Christmas card every year since they split up 7 years ago 'to Someone Special' and always put a casual little note in it saying hope your ok etc and the girls are a credit to you etc and always put my phone no. on it at the end. I also put a tenner in it and just say treat yourself but she has never once acknowledged or phoned me.

My son in fact pulled me up on this last Christmas and scolded me for keep putting money in her card etc and getting no response (although they get on well he does get exasperated at this 'trait' of hers!) But l told him l dont do it for anything in return and all the reasons l have said above really and she is still my DGDs mum and l will always remain 'here' for her and thats it really. I just want her to always know she can turn to me if or when she wants to. She really is a lovely girl and I am not criticising her - but it does make the current situation tricky.

Sorry this is a side issue really and this is becoming a novel but l asked my son for the DGPs address today to send this letter/card and he said l need to ask his ex really. So that's why l ended up phoning her. So l have possibly hit a brick wall now on past form anyhow.

Maybe l should just leave it - l mean l'm starting to feel like a creepy stalker now and at the end of the day the poor lady hardly knows me so maybe it wouldnt make a blind bit of difference. I think if the text doesnt get a response tomorrow l will just send my best wishes through my eldest DGD and just hope they get passed on when she next sees her DGPs . They are going very regularly at the moment for obvious reasons - and just hope for the best.

Sorry l missed your post remembers just noticed it. Thank you - that's very kind. Yes l certainly will make that known that l will have the girls at any stage if that helps at all. l just wish l could get the DGPs address so l could send such a nice note or flowers and offer my services as it were without feeling like a stalker as l stated in my last novel post.

I think you're being lovely and thoughtful, and I bet there are many on MN who wish they had such a caring MIL - never mind ex-MIL!

Ahh thank you ajandi. Actually my DH and my son (as in above post) keeps telling me l should toughen up and then I wouldnt get so upset by situations like this because you can only do and offer so much of yourself l suppose and whether people accept or not is another matter. I know theyre right usually but this is family so l will keep banging my head against this brick wall a bit longer till someone listens cant just give up can I ?

I once caused a huge political family row by buying a party dress for my DHs DGD who was invited to a close friend of her dads wedding and was the only child there who was not a bridesmaid and was heartbroken. I was accused of drawing more attention to the situation and stopping her learning a valuable life lesson that sometimes lifes not fair(?)and they said she couldnt keep it. I went back to Debenhams with it for a refund with DH and was actually in tears at counter when woman asked me reason for return. DH was mortified.

As usual l was only trying to help .

My ex d-i-l hasnt got back to me as predicted. I havent texted her yet but will do tonight l think.

If anyones still there that is ??

continues to bang head against the 'only trying to help' wall

I think now it's probably best to take a little step back. You have extended your hands in a lovely offer of help. Just at the moment it seems that your exDIL doesn't want to take it. BUT (and it is a big but), that doesn't mean that she never wants you to help, just that now is not the right time for her. Please remember how difficult a time this is for your DIL and it's probably less to do with her relationship with you and more to do with how she is coping with her mother dying.

Continue to talk to your son to see how things are. Make sure he knows that you're available to help if needed. And please still send that card to your co-grandmother. I am sure it will be appreciated and it will be a lovely thing to do, for her in her last few days to know that firstly her DGDs did speak of her to you with love and secondly you will be there for them when she is gone.

Maybe a card (another blank one) to your daughter-in-law to say "thinking of you at this very difficult time and here to help if/whenever you need me"?

Thank you both.

You are both right of course and l hope l didnt come across as too negative about my ex d-i-l - my son and I both think the world of her but she can be exasperating (cant we all ) and obviously my feelings wont be high on her agenda at the moment poor, poor girl.

Wrt sending the card anyway I dont actually know DGPs address though - only my sons (obviously) and my ex d-i-ls.

When I rang my son he was a bit dismissive but he was at work so nothing unusual there. Now I dont know if he doesnt know the postal address even though has been there ( possible l suppose - l know where some people live and could take you there but couldnt give you their postal address iykwim ) or he doesnt think it's his place to tell me.

I will speak to him properly this evening and if it's the latter l will simply ask him please be sure to verbally pass on the message ( my best wishes and offer of help if needed) - if he hasnt already - to my ex d-i-l and l will also send her a text this evening (ilk). Also l will send the card in a stamped envelope to my sons address if he will agree to address it and post it on to the DGPs.

If it's the former and he genuinely doesnt know the address I will do everything as above but will send the card in a stamped envelope to my ex d-i-ls address and ask her to please add address and post to her parents or take it with her next time she goes (if she's not there already obv.) and hope for the best.

I have already verbally expressed my sympathies and offers of help etc to my DS and my DGDs on the last few occasions l have seen them so who knows ? they may have been passed on already but I dont want to press (especially my darling dgds) anymore.

With all above being thrown , hopefully my message will get through.

But then, kind ladies ( and thank you so much for your help and listening to my witterings last few days ) you will be pleased to hear l will leave it {smile]

I will of course update any developments.

Sorry Remembers - yes a blank card to my ex d-i-ls at her address - l will do that also.

So thats a verbal message through my son (again) offering any help required. A brief text to my ex d-i-l to say 'l'm here for you' etc. and a card saying same to her and a card to the DGPs to be forwarded though either my son (if he knows adress) or put in envelope with my ex d-i-ls.

God , do l sound like a stalker !

Well folks - I sent the initial text to my ex d-i-l. As predicted no reply . But I know it went to right number as have checked that so l have kind of bottled it on following through with a card for her to pass on (she is probably already there anyway - her parents live quite a distance from area her and my son live in btw). I am therefore pretty sure it wont get there and l feel kinda awkward about following with a card - as she hasnt answered my text. It feels a bit stalky and controlling tbh - as in 'YOU CAN IGNORE ME ALL YOU LIKE BUT I WILL GET THROUGH TO YOU'.

This is what I sent btw
'Hi (exd-i-ls name), it's (DSonsname)s mum, I was very sorry to hear your mum is so poorly and just to let you know l am thinking about you and if there is anything at all l can do you only have to ask - but you know that already sweetheart l hope. Please send my love to your mum also-tell her l am thinking about her. Ring or text me anytime. Love 'Mindyourownbusiness' (and 'my DHs name' too!) xx

My DH was never her f-i-l officially or otherwise in case you're wondering which is why l only added him in brackets as we've only been married a few years (but he adores my DGDs and they him).

But l have mainly 'bottled' it because my son whom l have now spoken to properly (and he said he doesnt know DGPs postal address btw ) has told me he has definitely said to his ex previously that l sent my best wishes and my offer of help if needed so she is aware and he has asked our eldest DGD if she said anything to her DGM last time she visited and she said she did say 'Nana Mindyourownbusiness' said ' hello ' ( ! arent children wonderful? ) and sends her love.

Now l'm just back to the sadness of it all and how l would feel if it was me seeing our beautiful girls and knowing it might be the last time and l had to leave them soon and wasnt going to see them grow up. It is very very humbling to pull the long straw l must say and l will appreciate and make the most of every extra day l get with them in honour of their DGM.

Just an update to sadly report that my DGDs other Nana passed away last week. I asked through my son if l could attend her funeral and was told of course l could. It was a very beautiful ceremony although obviously very very sad. My D(ex)D-i-l reached out her hand to me in great distress at one point and l just squeezed her hand tightly and said 'you will be ok love,you are being so brave' It was worth me travelling the hundreds of miles just for that moment alone to be of some miniscule help to her. I also got to hug my 2 dgds lots afterwards outside.
My D(ex)D-I-L apologised later for never getting back to me when l send texts or cards etc but said she had passed on my wishes to her mum and dad which l am glad about.
Nothing more to say really - death is kind of the last word really isnt it .
Except to say thank you for your kind words of encouragement which l'm sure helped me to pluck up the courage to ask about attending. I am so glad l did

All the best. MYOB