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Original poster

How do I decide whether to go and see my Mum?

25 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 08/06/2012 12:42

We're all booked in at the Chapel of Rest this afternoon and I just don't know whether I want to go or not. No idea what I expect anyone to say...

OP posts:
jubilucket · 08/06/2012 12:44

Only you can decide but all I can say is that I wish now I had gone to see my dad. So sorry for your loss.

lisaro · 08/06/2012 12:45

From my experience the person isn't there and you can see that. So for some people that can help or hinder, ie if you expect to to see 'them'. Or it can be closure. As to whether you should go or not, you have to decide yourself. sorry to not be more helpful and waffle, but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say.

UnfortunatelyNotAMummy · 08/06/2012 12:47

I'm sorry for you loss.

I went to see my Nana when she died when i was 16. I'm really pleased i went, it was lovely. They definately look different to how they usually look (i thought) but needed to say goodbye. I just stood in the corner really thinking of things we'd done together. There were a few relatives go in at the same time. I'm sure if you went then changed your mind at the door that would be ok.

Not sure i've helped but thats my experience and i'd certainly do it again.

arfur · 08/06/2012 12:50

Very personal thing IMO. I didnt see my dad at chapel as I saw him very shortly (before and) after he died and I didnt like the idea of him being 'cold' if that makes sense. Probably depends on when you last saw her and if you feel you have anything you want to say to her. And try to imagine how you will feel in say 3 months time with both seeing her or not. Do what feels right for you. Sorry for your loss x

zippyrainbowbrite · 08/06/2012 12:51

Only you know what's right - I was with my mum when she died and felt I had already said my goodbyes, my sister wasn't with her, but did go to see her and was glad she did because she looked like 'her' and was at peace. Neither of us regret our decision.

Listen to your heart and do whatever feels right for you. 'I'm sorry for your loss' doesn't really cover it at a time like this. As someone who's been through it, it's shit, but things will get better.

HTH x

arfur · 08/06/2012 12:52

Also agree with others about the way they look. They dont look like a different person, they just dont look quite themselves, like the spirit is gone or something, sorry very hard to explain that.

zippyrainbowbrite · 08/06/2012 12:54

Sorry, have just read through what i wrote and didn't mean to be rude to those offering condolences, i just meant that whatever you say the words never seem enough.

mum23girlys · 08/06/2012 13:02

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I went to see my brother in the funeral home and I'm glad I did as he'd died in an accident at 31. I had been really worried he would have a lot of facial markings etc but really just looked peaceful. Was such a sad experience (have tears in my eyes thinking of it) but it definately helped me deal with his passing. I do think it can be helpful with a sudden death as you aren't in any way prepared for the death whereas with my gran I didn't go as I'd seen her the day before she passed and had really done my goodbyes then. She had battled breast cancer for years and just couldn't go on any longer.

Not sure I've been any help but even if you do go if you change your mind you don't have to go in. With my brother I'd taken a teddy and a photo of my girls to lay in the coffin with him

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 08/06/2012 13:02

Thank you everyone, I do appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I know it's hard to know what to say

I honestly don't know if I 'want' to go or not, I just can't make my mind up. Last time I saw her was just after she'd gone, she didn't look great if I'm honest. Maybe if I go I'll have a better 'last picture' of her in my head. I don't know

I may go up with the rest of them and see what happens. Maybe see what the others think. My poor sister only lost her husband in January, we've got the same funeral directors and she says I could even go into the room but still not 'see' her if that's what I want

OP posts:
Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 08/06/2012 13:03

Didn't mean to make you cry mum23girlys Sad but thank you for sharing that

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 08/06/2012 13:05

It's a hard decision to make, I'm sure you will make the right one for you

Sorry for your loss x

QuestionTime · 08/06/2012 13:08

Hey. I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum died 3 months ago and I'm not even close to coming to terms with it. She was only young. She died holding my hand but I still went to see her and personally it was hard but helped give me a tiny bit of closure. Thing of you

QuestionTime · 08/06/2012 13:09

*thinking

sphil · 08/06/2012 13:13

I didn't go as I was with Mum when she died. She looked so different from her usual self even then, I wanted to try to fix a picture in my head of her alive and vital, if that makes sense. But my Dad went - he said it was partly to prove to himself that she had really gone. it didn't make him any more upset - he just came back shaking his head and saying ' It wasn't her', as did DH, who went with him.

Like everyone else, I think it's a personal decision. I was sure I didn't want to go, so I've never regretted the decision. But if I'd been in two minds, and then not gone, I might have regretted it, who knows?

In my experience ( its been two years now) it has taken a while to replace the hospital bed picture in my mind with one of my living, healthy, vibrant Mum. But it has happened. My thoughts are with you.

mum23girlys · 08/06/2012 13:23

No no you never made me cry. Just still sad to think of it sometimes. Think you have far more right just now to be upset. Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for you. My sister didn't go in and doesn't regret it. It's not something that everyone feels the need to do. I suppose just like some people refuse to go to funerals. My mum hasn't been to one since and we have lost a few family friends but everyone understands and noone's brave enough to pressure her. I think loss and how you deal with it is a very personal and individual thing

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 08/06/2012 13:34

Thanks again all, I do appreciate your input

Off to Dads now

OP posts:
Needingsomeadvice · 08/06/2012 13:55

So sorry about your mum. When my dad died a few years ago my mum wanted to see him but neither myself nor my dsis wanted to. I was first to agree to go with my mum for her sake and dsis then decided to go too.
I am glad I went for my mum's sake but for my own I would prefer not to have. Dsis always says she was glad she saw him. My mother deals with deceased people all the time in her job so had no qualms. I just didn't feel right being there. I hadn't seen my DF for months but I would have liked to remember him alive. But all of us are different xx
Unmumsnetty hugs to you ((((()))))

Lozza70 · 08/06/2012 14:17

So sorry for your loss.

As others have said only you can make the decision. I lost my Dad suddenly in Spain 5 months ago and I really wanted to see him one last time as
I had not seen him for over a month beforehand. For me it helped me come to terms with the fact he was really gone and I was able to give him a kiss goodbye. They will always look different than you remember though.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 08/06/2012 14:22

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My best friend died suddenly a few years ago. I hadn't seen her for a while before, so decided at the last minute to go and see her. I was terrified about how she'd look. She looked like herself, but not at the same time. I kissed her goodbye and told her how much I loved her.

It's a very personal decision - I'm glad I went, because it helped me come to terms with her death.

Massive hugs to you xxx

ShirleyKnot · 08/06/2012 14:22

I'm so sorry, and you're probably there by now, but I didn't go and see my dad and I have never, ever regretted that. (This might give you some peace if you chose not to see your mum)

Ishoes · 08/06/2012 14:29

Whne I lost my gf he knew there was a good chance he might not wake up from op so phoned the night before and spoke to us all-being only 19 at the time and a bit immature I didnt realise/want to face that he was saying goodbyeSad

I was there when they turned off life support but chose not to go in and see him at funeral home. I didnt go and see my gm either but I was there at the moment she died in hospital-only me and her actually.

I have also lost babies late in pregnancy-sorry if this is upsetting to anyone-with my first son we chose to visit but I now wish I hadnt as he looked so different. With the subsequent 2 dcs we lost I chose not to see them in the funeral home though other family members did go.

Whatever you decide is the best decision for you.

usualsuspect · 08/06/2012 14:36

I never went to see my dad or my niece,I don't regret that decision

t875 · 08/06/2012 19:05

Hi, so very sorry for your loss. Feel you pain and it's such a horrendous time.

It is a personal thing I didn't go personally, I saw my mum after she passed on at the hospital and she looked like she just had fell asleep, she looked very peaceful. I went with that and didn't see her anymore. But we got the funeral directors to put some lovely personal pics and momentos in with her and I'm pleased I did that.

Take care. I lost my mum 2 mths ago and I'm still having a hard time on and off. Very hard, but does some days parts of the day feel a little easier. X

lovechoc · 08/06/2012 19:22

I do not normally post in this section but I do want to say so sorry for your loss of your Mum. I have not reached this position in life yet, but did lose my Grandmother whom I was very close to last summer, and I did go to see her at the Chapel. She looked so peaceful and I am so relieved I got to see her, it is a form of closure for some of us..

IMO it's better to go and have some support with you, say your words, than to not to go and regret it afterwards. You never get the chance again.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/06/2012 21:16

Just for the record...

I went, and I'm glad I did. As lovechoc said, I told myself I wouldn't get another chance

We had her funeral on Monday

Thanks again all for taking the time to speak to me

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