My 6 year old - does he need bereavement counselling?

[onetiredmummy]

Hi all,

I lost my mum to cancer a year ago. My 6 year old ds came to the funeral (& was bored ) & has never expressed a wish to talk about her. I anticipated his grief & he wrote her a letter which we burnt in a bonfire so the ashes would reach her but other than that he's a lovely happy boy who seems to have not been affected by it. I've tried to keep my eyes open for signs of bereavement but honestly there;s been none.

However suddenly he's refusing to go into school in the mornings, my mum was a teacher there for many many years so the staff knew her & they know the loss my son has had. Anyway since Reception he has always just run into school very happily & during the last couple of weeks this has changed to him screaming hysterically & clinging onto me saying he doesn't want me to leave him. The teacher & TA have to prise him off me & he fights them & I have to leave him there screaming so they can calm him down. Also in assembly they tend to sing a certain hymn which was my mum's favourite & ds knew this & whenever they sing it now he starts crying & has to be taken out of assembly.

He refuses to talk about it to me, my partner, his teacher & to everyone. If I ask why he's crying he says its because he misses his grandma but tbh I don't get the link between missing my mum & going into school so I'm wondering whether its something else. Bullying obv is the first thing to comes to mind but he says he's happy & he has lots of friends & he's not being bullied. Also he never says he doesn't want to go to school in the mornings & when he's at home he's perfectly fine.

Last Friday he spoke to the school counsellor, just an informal chat for 10 mins but he wouldn't tell her anything. She has now suggested that after half term, if it carries on that she refers him for bereavement counselling.

I've agreed on the basis that if it is bereavement then hopefully it will help, & if its something else then it will come out in one of the sessions. Am I right do you think? x

these could help. There helpline people are a good place to start

Their...

Thanks very much ohmeohmy I've not heard of them before so am off to have a look x

Just a thought: 5 & 6 is usually the age when children suddenly make the connection between death and the fact that it's final and it happens to everyone. Could he be worrying that you will die as well as his grandma?

otm, my ds3 was 6 when my dd died. He has attended a bereavement group as it is generally the done thing when a sibling dies but his counseller feels he is not very badly affected and that other children who have lost siblings seem the same. However, the children who have lost parents ( there are some in ds3's group) are much more badly affected and possibly if your ds was close to his Nan, she may have been a sort of mother-figure to him? Also a child's reaction can be delayed. One lady in a group I attended had lost her dd who was a twin. Her twin brother, who was three at the time seemed unaffected but when he was older and able to remember the accident, he actually blamed himself for not stopping his sister from running in front of a car. He then needed counselling even though it was a couple of years later.
Also, as motn says, children develop an understanding of death at around 6. Ds3 knew dd wasn't coming back but ds4 who was only 3, really didn't get it and I do wonder if it will hit him when he is older.