So confused

[speckledpig]

Dad had been ill for a few years but him dying the day before yesterday has still come as a shock. I was ok all day yesterday. I don't know how I feel. I don't even feel a loss as such. I kind of feel sorry that he died alone and it wasn't a very nice ending for him but not much else.
It is a very complicated situation. Dad sexually abused my sister and me a few times (although not the extent of my sister) and was also pretty mean to us growning up. We lived a lie really.
Both sisters don't want to go to the funeral, so it would just be me and one of my brothers going.
We all feel mum never supported us and stuck by dad even knowing what he had done.
I feel in a way I should go to get some closure but I am still really confused.
I feel numb really.
I feel even though he was the man he was and liked to make our lives a misery much of the time, he was still my father.
My sister is dropping hints that I shouldn't go because it would be hypocritical.

I am sorry that your Dad has died. Even when you have plenty of warning, it is still a shock. I know as my Dad was ill for over 8 months before hed died (he died 12 years ago when I was 27). My parents were divorced long before he died, and like you there were complications to it all as he came out as gay. So like you I not only had to deal with the actual death but all this other stuff on top, made the grief such a tangle that was hard to fathom. Before he had even been buried my Mum and brother came to help me sort his flat as it was the only time they could do and just quicklu shoving his stuff into bin bags and taking it to charity shops, was the most cold and heartless sad day of my life, I wish we had never done it that way, but hindsight and all that.

I would do what you want and only you want to do regarding the funeral, go if you want and listen to no one else about what you should do, neither do you have to explain your decision to anyone else. People need to do what they need to do when it comes to funerals, and all you family need to be respectful of this as you will be of there decisions. Its raw and hard for everyone right now and it is hard to be rational and why should you have to be at a time like this. In the weeks, months and years to come you can talk and argue it all out, but for now do what you feel. I wrote my Dad a letter which I gave to the funeral director the night before his funeral and asked him to put it in the coffin and tell no one about it, he was brilliant and he knowingly shook my hand and said 'consider it done'. Maybe that would help you with all this?

Look after and be kind to yourself, have you got some good girlfriends you could be with and talk too? Again I am sorry for you loss and everything you are dealing with.

Caro, that is a really nice, rational reply. Still today, I am keeping myself busy with not much going through my mind.
I have never done this before.
What is going through my head is what a sad and miserable man he must have been who on the outside lead a completely different life.
People have texted and called saying they are sorry for my loss.
It is strange, but don't really feel a loss.
I still feel I should go down though next week.

Hi speckledpig
I hope you are ok.
I don't really have much constructive advice as am a bit all over the place at the moment.
Just wanted to share with you that I had a very complicated relationship with my mum and when she died , like you I was very very confused...it brought up all kinds of stuff.
I spent some time with her in the chapel of rest and I wrote her a long letter which I placed in a sealed envelope with her. It brought me a degree of comfort and closure.
Wishing you strength to get through this x

Thankyou madasa. That seems like a good idea. x