I haven't cried yet

[LilBlondePessimist]

I emigrated in September last year, had a new baby in October, and my dad died very suddenly in December. He was very young, and although he had some health and mh issues, this was completely unexpected. Due to my baby being so young (and lack of funds), I was unable to visit home, therefore have only spoken to my mum and siblings via telephone and Skype. It almost doesn't feel real, because I haven't witnessed any of it, the funeral directors, the funeral etc. I haven't cried yet either. There were issues with my dad, which I don't know if I ever resolved. I'm starting to wonder if I'm not normal, or cold. My friends here keep waiting for me to get upset, keep saying its all right to cry. So does dh. But it's just not happening. Is there something wrong with me? When will it come?

I am so sorry about your dad. I don't think your reaction is strange, how we process this kind of thing is very personal and there is no right or wrong. I think it is fine to just let yourself be with this and give yourself space, it sounds like there were some issues there and your brain probably needs time to process it all.

Part of the grieving process is denial... It is natural and people process loss in very different ways. It's hard to process something your mind doesn't accept as it didn't see it IYSWIM

So sorry for your loss

I know it's not the same but I lost my grandad in December (Xmas day) and I was there when it happened but I didn't cry until the funeral in early jan as it just felt like I was dreaming it. Grief is a strange thing

Thank you for replying. There were issues. He harbored a lot of guilt, and I always told him that I forgave him. When I think about it now, I'm not sure whether I actually did, or whether I said it to appease him, as I could see how it was affecting him mh. This also caused me to feel guilt of his own. I'm sure that this will probably be affecting my reaction to his passing, but I just didn't expect this 'blankness'. I suppose I'm afraid that one day it might hit me but it will seem inappropriate as so much time has elapsed.

Sorry, his mh, and guilt of my own

So sorry for your loss.

I'm always worried that I'm 'cold' and that I don't feel things enough (history of having to supress emotions and be a 'coper'), but I've realised that it's just the way I deal with things. I think that it's safe and fine, as long as you have awareness of it.

Aside from this, you are physically distant from what has happened, and haven't been so involved in the practical side of things, so it's not surprising that it all feels a bit unreal. I've no doubt that when you next see your family, and visit your father's grave, your sense of loss will be that much more intense.

Don't beat yourself up, you don't need to feel guilty about this at all.

Thank you mrsy, I have been a lurker in this section since my dad died, and I have read of your tragic journey, but didn't feel I could comment, as I haven't experienced anything even remotely similar. I am so so sorry for your loss, and hope you are coping somehow. I just wish you didn't have to. I am a 'coper' too, and tbh in a way it has been a relief not to experience my dads death first hand, as being the eldest sibling I would have been expected to deal with everything (not that I would have minded), although I also feel guilty for feeling like this.