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Bereavement

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My sister is dying

22 replies

gingerroots · 13/05/2012 22:34

i know I can search for threads but just need some ideas to help my DD 4, my DNiece 7 and my DNep 9 deal with this. This comes after a long fight with cancer.I hope we have some time but we are not sure how much yet.
I am struggling a lot too, so any ideas gratefully received.

Life is truly such a shit some times.
tyou xx

OP posts:
FarloRigel · 13/05/2012 22:41

I'm so very sorry. Do you have a Maggie's centre nearby? They sometimes have counselling and good books available. Thinking of you and your family at this incredibly hard time.

Gunznroses · 13/05/2012 22:44

I feel so sad for you Sad. Could you make like a book or album for dn and nephew with lots of pics of them and their mum ? Or a book of all their mums favouite things, funny things im scratching my head here....

Oh i wish someone more knowledgeable comes along soon, im better at this sort of thing in person Sad

arfur · 13/05/2012 22:50

Have a look at winstons wish website for the kids. They have ideas for memory boxes and book suggestions. They may also be able to tell you of a local to you kids bereavement charity. For you Macmillan or sue ryder are amazing or get in touch with your local hospice. So sorry this is happening to you and your family xx

gingerroots · 13/05/2012 22:51

Thank you for your ideas. I will look in to the Maggie's centre and think about a book for my niece and nephew.
We have only just found out that the fight is over but I am hoping with everything crossed that we have a bit more time.

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nightswimmer · 13/05/2012 23:03

I 'm not sure exactly but I would say just being there for the children and being a listening ear for them , letting them go at their own pace should they wish to talk to you about anything to do with their mother, or anything at all. How much they can articulate about their feelings at that age in childhood, I don't know, I suppose it depends on the child. I agree a book is a great idea but something that takes time and thought and can be there for them later, and added to as you have more thoughts, anecdotes etc of your sister.
I would say Keeping the day to day things of life normal for them too, like birthday parties they're invited to, what's happening at school, what's happening with their pets, these things need to be kept up too while you're going through this very hard time.

FarloRigel · 13/05/2012 23:08

Maybe she might like you to help her record video messages for them for the future?

gingerroots · 13/05/2012 23:10

Thank you. We have all been trying to help the children's lives stay as normal as possible. I am worried that my dsis & bil never really talked to the children about the fact that she has cancer.
As much as I love my sister, and can't even think about life with out her, I am just so very very sad that her children will have to grow up with out her.

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MakeHayAndSneeze · 13/05/2012 23:15

No advice, didn't want to read and run though. I'm so very sorry - prayers and best wishes for you all.

mummylin2495 · 13/05/2012 23:15

You could get the whole family to make a hand print in some plaster ,then it can be framed and kept as a memory.You have my utmost sympathy as i too lost a sister.

alkar · 13/05/2012 23:18

My friend has terminal cancer and something that has been mentioned is having an end games for her DCs (4&13). For example after the funeral the DCs will go somewhere they've chosen to release helium balloons for their mum. Sorry you are going through this Sad

SundaeGirl · 13/05/2012 23:19

I second going to Maggies if there's one nearby. They helped me through bereavement ant were amazing.

I'm sorry to hear this, so sad. Big sympathies to you all, ginger.

Rindercella · 13/05/2012 23:21

Oh God, I am so sorry to hear this ginger. Old threads mean nothing when it is happening to you.

There are so many things you could help your sister and her children do, but really I think the most important thing is for her to spend time with everybody she wants/needs to spend time with. If she feels up to it, your sister could try and write letters to her children. Although this I think is a nearly impossible ask for someone coming to terms with their own death. I know my DH tried to do this for our DDs, but by the time he was emotionally ready to do it, it was too late for him to do it physically. Same with plaster casts of hand prints. Really nice ideas, but only if your sister is up to it.

Whereabouts is your sister? Is she at home, in a hospital, in a hospice? Please see if she is happy where she is (sorry if this sounds obvious) and happy for it to be where her life ends. Many people want to die at home, but because of costs and bureaucracy so few are actually given that wish. Do you have enough practical help so that you are able to spend as much quality time (sorry for the naff term) with your sister? If not, please push for it as much as you can. Macmillan are usually fantastic at helping with this.

Wrt to the children, I would say be age appropriate but be open too. When DH died, I was holding his hand and chatting to DD1 (who was 3.5 years at the time). He died peacefully and it was so natural that DD1 was there. I guess children look at things in a very black and white way and will only be scared of something if that is what they are told they should be. I also think crying in front of them is not a bad thing to do. It's a big fucking thing happening and tears are a very natural response to that. Your grief (and theirs) should not be a dark, secretive thing.

There are loads of organisations to help following death. Cruse is one - and you may well want to have bereavement counselling through them. For children, Winston's Wish is fabulous.

A warning, with death comes a load of paperwork (at a time when you least need to be dealing with that stuff). There are so many different organisations who need to be informed, all of which demand an original copy of the death certificate - so get several. I am actually working with my MP to try and make this better as it seems a ridiculous thing to have to do.

Be very, very kind to yourself. It is a tragic thing happening and you need to look after yourself as much as you can. I hope you have good friends and family around, supporting you through this time. I really hope I haven't upset or offended you with anything I have said - some of it seems so harsh and matter of fact. But I promise, I do know how bloody hard it is.

Life really is truly shit sometimes. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your sister and her family x

nightswimmer · 13/05/2012 23:25

Do you think you could talk to your bil about the fact that they have not talked about it to the children very much, and do you think the children know she is dying ? Perhaps it's too hard for him to talk about with them.

Jellykat · 13/05/2012 23:27

So very sorry for you and your family ginger, it's truly awful.. This happened to a very dear friend of mine recently and suddenly, Winstons Wish have really helped her 2 little DDs (4 and 8) and sister.

Her DP asked all of her friends and family to write about her for a memory book, which included photos, and little stories for when the children are older. This being a way of them not only remembering her, but getting to know who she was as a person.
Everyone has also clubbed together to buy a bench, which sits in her favourite spot, for them and anyone else to go to.

Your nephew and nieces are lucky to have such a lovely Aunt to help them, as it is vital that feelings aren't swept under the carpet. I have seen and experienced the results of that in later years.

Sending you strength and sympathies x

nightswimmer · 13/05/2012 23:28

Rindercella's thoughts and advice sound very good

Rindercella · 13/05/2012 23:30

Sorry, lots of x-posts (hardly surprising, given the essay I wrote Blush) I think it would be a great idea for you to call Winston's Wish and have a chat with them about how best to broach it with the children. Or perhaps you can suggest to your BIL that it's something he might find useful to do.

gingerroots · 13/05/2012 23:31

Thank you for all your kind thoughts and ideas it is really helpful.my sister is still in hospital as she had her latest op very recently.she is recovering well.but they have found more cancer cells and as she as had so much treatment before and it won't really help she is reluctant to have any more.they are trying to get her home as soon as possible.I am going to try and go to sleep now but will come back to this tomorrow.

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TheSecondComing · 13/05/2012 23:36

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DumSpiroSpero · 13/05/2012 23:39

So sorry for you and yours.

I totally agree with nightswimmer re broaching the subject of them talking to their DC's if they haven't already.

My best friend lost her mum to cancer when we were 11. Our mum's were also best friends so my mum knew what was going on and was honest with me about it. My friend's parents chose not to tell her and her brother the extent of her mum's illness. She only realised about 5 years ago (we're now in our mid-thirties) that I had known her mum's illness was terminal while she didn't and it was extremely painful for her.

When the time comes, there is a book called Waterbugs and Dragonflies which was written to explain to children about death. We got it for DD when her great nana died - 4 years later we both still think of her whenever we see a dragonfly Smile.

pumpkinsweetie · 13/05/2012 23:51

So sorry you are going through this, ive been through similar with my brother but my dcs were very young then.
Its so heartbreaking and so very hard what to tell the childrenSad
My eldest dc 3 at the time knew from the get go her uncle was very ill, but not so much that he was dying because my brother was so young my mum didnt want him to know as he was only 15 coming up to 16 when diagnosed.
At first his prognosis was very good when he had a 3/4 shoulder/arm amputation but as time went on we found out the chemo was not working and had spread elsewhere in his body.
We were told then that it was only palative care he was havingSad, me and my dcs 3 & 4 months at the time spent alot of time with him taking him out in his wheelchair and spending time together shopping, trips to the park etc.
I made sure i got photos of him whilst he was still well enough to go out, lots of photos of him and dcs together.
I cherish these photos now & my eldest still remembers him which is lovely.
My aunty had a star named after him which was a lovely thought.
My advice would be to get lots of pictures whilst your sister is still feeling comfortable and maybe make a memory box with pictures, videotapes, voice recordings and any pictures if she likes to draw.
It must be very hard as your dcs older.
Enjoy being with her as much as possible, make some lovely memorys and you will cherish them Bear

IWantSummer · 13/05/2012 23:58

Keeping a child's life normal is important but spending time with mum really should be a priority.
Photos photos photos photos
Messages -letter - even if you sat with a computer one day and she talked away and you typed.

Sorry to hear this

gingerroots · 14/05/2012 14:23

Thank you all these are all great ideas & kind words..i am sorry for all your loses it all seems so unfair.I have left a message with winstons wish so hopefully they will get back to me.x

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