I know I AIBU but I can't help it, please give me some advice

[peekabooby]

Two weeks ago my mil had a stroke, the following day my 7mth old nephew was rushed into hospital. He sadly passed away a few days later.

I am really struggling with my feelings and obviously can't confide in DH. Basically mil who isn't that old, but old before her time iynwim, was widowed 12 yrs ago. She has never been able to embrace life since then. She has become isolated other than us. We take her away every year, and she comes at least three times a week for tea.

What I am struggling with is her negativity, it has always griped but, since DN had passed I feel really angry when she moans. I know it isn't easy for her but she still has her life and she has wasted the last twelve years and will continue wasting the rest of her years. I have tried to get her involved with various groups but she just isn't interested.

I suppose she is depressed, but it just feels so unfair. God I sound like a total bitch. I haven't been to visit since we laid him to rest as I know my annoyance will show through. btw she is recovering well from her stroke has full speech and faculties but struggling to walk.

Any advice, I can't keep avoiding visiting as dh is starting to ask, so far I have just said I can't face hospitals. DH is an only child and I know I am being unfair on him as well.

peeka, I am so sorry about your nephew. And I know that annoyance!
I had it after my dd died and I was watching one of those "Toddlers and tiaras" shows and felt so, so angry, not at the little girls themselves but that their mothers got to keep their daughters whereas I, who wouldn't let fake tan within a metre of a child, had lost mine.
I also got it after my Dad died of a heart attack. I met a man who had also had a heart attack and survived, but who was basically just wasting his life away. My Dad had loved life and was missed by so many people.
But you can't let it consume you. Your MIL's illness and lethargy are her issue and you can't change her, she needs to change herself. You could try pointing out how lucky she is but it may be lost on her. Accept her for what she is and visit and be prepared to count to ten!

peekabooby can you talk to your DH ,get it out in the open.?
It might be that deep down he feels a bit angry with his mother too.He's had the death of his father 12 years ago and his mother's stroke and he's had to deal with that.
Maybe the tragic death of your baby nephew has knocked him for six but he doesn't want to show you how much?
If you explain your feelings at least it's out there.
And who says you have to be rational?
As chip says- you can't change your MIL.You can't change what happened to your nephew.

My FIL died in his 60s and I never said to my DH but I was quite angry that his lifestyle and refusal to change his diet,smoking,refusal to follow medical advice caused his death.
He left a widow, my DH and his siblings with no dad and his GC one grandparent short. But it wasn't something I said because we're not really close as a family so not fair for me to put this on him.
But you sound like you are close and you've got your future relationship to think of. Maybe you do need a bit of space from her to build up your mental resources.
And he can maybe have a quiet word with her and find some ways to boost her own life and help herself.