Scattering of ashes

[hanahsaunt]

My dad died in February and it has all been quite traumatic. We are off in June to scatter his ashes as per his wishes and it will be quite a pilgramage to get to the venue, all of which is rather lovely. Organisation is my responsibility and so far, so good.

However, it has come to my attention (through reading of trashy detective novels) that the ashes will not be insubstantial. Mum doesn't want them collected until she leaves for the island so it's unclear as to the kind of vessel in which they will come. Further googling confirms that we should be expecting ~2.5kg/6lb or roughly a large sweetie jar (like you would find in a sweet shop).

I'm thinking that this could result in a potentially rather undignified situation as we try to shoogle that into the loch ... and a very distressed mother.

Just how do we do this?

Hi Hanahsaunt
Firstly, I'm very sorry about your Dad
It must be an awful time for you - I lost my wonderful dad 5 years ago now so I know how you must be feeling.
not sure I can help much but with regards to the vessel we had for my dad's ashes - it was plastic, fairly heavy compared to what we were expecting and at a completely rough guess, about 30cm tall, 15cm wide.
It was quite heavy I suppose, but not to a point where you couldn't carry it or it would be cumbersome.
My dad's came in a velvety drawstring bag and we hadn't opened it before getting to the place we were scattering the ashes. Due to the weight (and just assumption I suppose) we were expecting a ceramic jar, not plastic so were quite surprised that the urn was plastic.
Something else worth mentioning though is the texture of the ashes was quite different to what we were expecting. We imagined a sand/powder substance but it was quite a bit more rough than that. a bit like very coarsely ground black pepper, sorry that's the only thing I can think to
Sorry if any of this upsets you - I Just thought it was worth mentioning so you are fully prepared, which may make it that bit easier.
That's what I found difficult in the whole process - not being prepared as I had never experienced any deaths before.

Big (un Mumsnetty) hugs.
If you want to talk about anything, please feel free to PM me.

Thank you keepthechange. It has been quite horrific not least because it wasn't expected and he wasn't very old.

Keeping busy is good and I prefer to know as much as possible about things in advance to minimise the shocks/surprises at the event. Good to know about the texture and I'll remember to pass that on to my brother and mum.

How hard was it to do the actual scattering? I have to confess to being a bit concerned about any wind impact. Does it take a long time? I realise I may be overthinking things but sometimes that's just what it takes ...

hana yes they will come in a plastic urn but you can get a nice scattering tube, if you google them you should see some nice ones, are the ashes still with the funeral director or still at the crematorium?

sorry posted too soon, I'm very sorry to hear about your dad :( I work at a crematorium and get asked these questions every day.

hoops997 - thank you. They are with the funeral director until such time as we want to collect them. Db is already dreading being the chauffeur of mum and the ashes on a 350 mile trip and the etiquette of where they should be in the car. Will google scattering tubes (have already seen the viking longboat version!).

Hi hana
re actual scattering - we did it at the top of a hill in a country park (my dad had stated this was where he wanted to be scattered as he spent alot of time at said park when he was a child, and in turn took us there as children. It is lovely to have somewhere to go to and think of him)
When we scattered it was a windyish day so we all took a handful and just....let go. it was quite soothing in a making peace with it kind of way I suppose, but nice knowing he would be all around, wherever we are sort of thing.

hanah - so sorry for your loss :(

My own Dad and FIL both died within 4 weeks of each other 2 years ago ( and FIL was unexpected) so do know a bit of what you are going through. It really does get better (slowly)

FIL ahes were cast onto water but we were worried about wind and we ended up using one of these :

www.urns-coffins-caskets.co.uk/Natural-Biodegradable-Urns/Aqua-Journey-Earthurn/prod_235.html

Really recommend them (better than look in picture) and very dignified :)
Not a cheap option but worth it we felt.

My Dads ashes still at funeral home after 2 years as my Mum can't bring herself to deal with it - but that's another story.

Hope everything goes 'well' IYSWIM whatever you decide.

Sorry about your Dad.

Sadly scattering ashes in a dignified manner, needs thought and planning. Not something altogether pleasant to have to do

FILs ashes were in a large sweet jar sized terracotta coloured plastic tub. Not very elegant.

We decided to scatter them off his favourite bit of the Cornish cliffs.

Of course it was blowing a gale, so some went over the edge, some on the path and some into a field with a slightly surprised looking cow.
Now fortunately, DMIL was quite a lot younger than DFIL and had always know he was likely to die before her and she and DH were an irreverent combination. Thus they were amused rather than upset, but clearly circumstances differ.

Part of my job is to scatter ashes and no, sometimes it isn't very dignified especially when windy. With a scattering tube you just twist it and it releases the ashes from the bottom. I'm pretty sure your funeral director will transfer the ashes from the poly urn to the tube if you ask him.

Any more questions and I'm happy to answer, I know this is a difficult time for you and your family

Given that it's to be onto the loch then one of those floating/sinking things looks like a very good option. I hadn't realised that the funeral director could do the transferring - I will call and ask him. ( Startail - my dad, brother and I were a fairly irreverant combination; my mum doesn't really do that hence the very real need to get this right). I also think doing it properly (as it were) will give a very real sense of peace, of doing exactly what he wanted and a real release back from whence he came.

So sorry to hear of your loss .

We scattered my Mums ashes , as she had wished , in the back field of the house where she and Dad lived .

It was on her birthday , in February ( this was 2002 ) and in Wales . So it was blowing a gale and pouring with rain . We were all dreading it .

In the end we all laughed , we were all soaked , the ashes went everywhere and it was OK .

We had an urn , quite chunky and solid . The ashes were quite dark and gritty .

It is something that has to be done , and it is almost the drawing of a line under the life , that doesn't mean you will forget him .

We all felt we could move on afterwards .

hanah - they sink nice and slowly (but not too slow) but water does need to be quite deep ( ours was out to sea). Are you going to go on the water? There are boat companies round here that offer a special service for ashes scattering (even lay on food if you want) - we didn't have any 'fuss' - DH just said few words as the container sank beneath waves. Was lovely :)

Hi Hanahsaunt, sorry to hear about your dad passing. I hope you find the scattering of his ashes bring you some peace.

If this is any help, but i'm aware it might not be to everyone's taste..

When my fantastic gran died, she was cremated. She had about 8 fairly young great grandchildren, and this was really their first experience of death. We were very open and honest, and explained simply what had happened.

When we collected her ashes, we took them to the war memorial where her dad had his name, and all the grandchildren and great grandchildren took handfuls of 'great gran dust' and scattered them round the memrial. It was a lovely sunny day and the children were all shouting hello to great gran and spotting which cloud looked the fluffiest taht she would be sitting on...

Ok, some people might be a bit ??? but it turned the xperience into something comforting and almost positive, rather than sad