Beloved FIL dying

[Jojo12]

My FIL has terminal lung cancer, and it looks like he only has a few hours left. DH is with him and MIL now (they live an hour away) but I needed to stay with our DSs (aged 4 and 8). I feel completely bereft already. My inlaws are lovely, have always made me feel part of the family, and over the 18 years I've known them they have provided a much-needed valve for letting off steam about my own parents! They are also very hands-on grandparents (esp compared with my mum and dad) and our elder DS (8) especially adores his grandfather.

I am dreading the moment (probably tomorrow morning) when I will need to tell both boys that FIL has died. They know that he has been very ill, and we have visited regularly, but obviously have been hoping (as we all did) that his treatment would help. He was diagnosed in January, and had a positive post-radiotherapy appointment last week (tumour shrunk), but this weekend he just seems to have declined so quickly. DS4 isn't really taking it in, but DS8 is already devastated because he realised he wouldn't be able to say a final goodbye to FIL. I'm really, really sad I can't say goodbye myself too.

I know that we will have lots of good memories of him, but it just seems so bloody unfair.

Sorry that was a ramble. Stuck here on my own and couldn't hold it in any longer. Would really appreciate any tips for how to make this and the months to come more bearable for our DSs, and how I can best support DH (he's their eldest child, and tends to feel like he should shoulder the largest part of any family responsibilities). Thanks.

Sorry to hear about your FIL. Don't worry about rambling, it's entirely understandable given the circumstances. :)

I think your DH will need you to be a shoulder he can cry on, and to listen to his reminiscing about his dad. As he also should for you. Being honest with your sons is important I believe. Answer any questions they have and don't worry if they cry, it's to be expected, especially the elder boy.

Sending hugs your way.

Thanks for the hugs and the advice, sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else to make sure you're thinking along the right lines, IYSWIM. FIL died during the night so it's been a rough day. Delaying telling the boys until DH is back from his parents' house a bit later on. Deep breath. And thanks again.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I wish you strength to get through the next few difficult months.
And please be kind to yourself, you're greiving too.

Thanks Lac365.

www.winstonswish.org.uk/
You may find something to help your DSs through this sad time on this website - it's a charity specifically for children dealing with loss/bereavement.

:( that your FIL has gone but I suppose better for him - when my Mum died (bowel cancer) it felt like she had just had enough of it all and gave up - she declined very fast after that and it is a kind of comfort to know that she wasn't suffering any more, hope you get some of that regarding your FIL as well.

Thanks Thumbwitch, I hadn't heard of Winston's Wish before, will have a proper look through their website tomorrow. You're right of course, FIL was lucky I guess to pass away with his wife and three sons with him, at home, and not in pain any more. Our elder son is heartbroken and wrote a letter to God tonight, hoping that God would pass it to his grandfather, telling him how much he loves him. He's kept it in his 'treasure box' so that he can read it whenever he wants. I think, in time, it may help him to make a 'memory box', with photos and items that remind him of his grandfather.

Thanks again for your kind words.

Sorry for your loss, PIL get a lot of stick on MN.
My DMIL was lovey and I miss her.

Sending hugs to you DH and your DSs and I don't care if I'm not allowed to.
My DGrandfather died of lung cancer and even though he was old and ready to say goodbye it was not what I'd have wished.

Thanks startail and sorry for your loss too (and thumbwitch's). DH said tonight he was really taken aback by how upset I've been. But FIL (and MIL) are just lovely, so supportive of us without any 'side' (unlike my own parents at times...) and just genuinely loving DGrandparents.

I think sometimes we get wrapped up in our own grief so much that we don't realise how much someone like your FIL dying can affect others - when my Mum died I was also surprised how upset DH was, but he was - partly for me, partly because he really liked my Mum, even if he didn't know her that well, and partly because it brought back for him the day his own dad died. I can't for one minute say that I was glad he was upset too, but it was better than him not being upset, iyswim - he had empathy and cared for his own sake as well as mine. Your DH will feel better that you are upset (without him possibly even realising it) than if you weren't.