Will SANDS help me?

[MsGee]

Hi, it has been suggested for some time that I post on here but I am not sure if that is ok, I know a lot of people have and are going through some terrible times.

Last March I found out I was pregnant. Third pg since I had DD (now 4), two mc. May 2011 I started bleeding at just over 11 weeks, had a scan, saw my lovely baby on the monitor, heart going strong, legs a kicking, arms waving at me. Then doc said he wanted to do further internal scans and told me that the baby had anecephaly. He explained that it was very severe and I would not make it to full term and that generally in my situation people terminate. We agreed and I had a termination two days later. The whole thing is just a blur in my mind.

I cannot get over it. I try but I cannot get past the image of my baby waving at me and I cannot get over the idea that I killed my baby. (I have always been pro-choice its not about that - I just can't get past that this much wanted baby died because I consented to it) - its just the way it happened.

Unfortunately the after care was shocking - infections then GP asking how many weeks on I was, bereavement office at hospital being horrible to me (I complained that no one informed me about the funeral and I was told to come get my specimen and sort it myself then), counsellor was inappropriate (telling me to just get pg again, discussing other clients with me) which put me off seeking any further help. I saw my GP last week as I have been ill with minor ailments for the past year (eczema, allergies etc.) and he saw that I was still upset and has suggested I contact SANDS.

But I am too scared too. I daren't because of the circumstances they might tell me that they won't help me. Can anyone tell me if this is the case?

Firstly sorry for your loss. It says on their website that they help whenever a baby dies. So please contact and get the help that you and your family deserve.

i agree with mrs pear, get some help sweetheart, i totally empathise with what you had to do...its hard ...am sorry for your loss xxx

SANDS may well be able to help, but I think ARC is the organisation with the most expertise for this. It offers a range of support services, and I hope you find the help you need.

You might find ARC - Ante Natal Results and Choices really helpful - they offer support to families who have been told there is something wrong with heir baby during ante-natal testing. They offer non-judgement support regardless of the whether pregnancy is ended or continued. My circumstances are slightly different but ARC have been fantastic to us when we hard decisions. If you google the name or call 08450772290 you will get in contact. If you look on the antenatal tests/choices area of mumsnet (under pregnancy) there are others who have been in a similar position and they can be wonderfully supportive. Things do improve but slowly - you have been through a breavement and all the emotions that brings - you never 'get over it' but you learn to live with and move on with your life whilst never forgetting your little one.

i dont know whether you are on facebook but i found when i was in a simila position to yours ..i created a group page so i could still talk to him and let all my feelings out iykwim...it did help me x

MsGee don't be scared of sands it is daunting and can be very sad thinking about what has happened and reading other peoples posts but from my recollection lots of parents who have suffered loss similar to yours and a specific group if that helps. Hope that helps, sorry that you have been through such a difficult experience.

I am so pleased you have had some good advice

my darling you did not kill your baby, have just researched and re-read your post, you had no other option

so not only are you bereaved, you are (wrongly) guilty

please seek people in similar situations, as whilst they cant take away the pain , they may bring understanding

may you find peace somehow

xxx

Hi MsGee,

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and even more so for the appalling "aftercare" you have received. It's all so hard to process and there are so many different emotions to go through, but you did make the right decision and in time you will hopefully allow yourself to acknowledge that.

I have been in your situation, with a different chromosome anomaly, twice now and I understand just how isolating it feels to not know who to talk to for support. I was never told at the hospital who I could speak to after this type of loss either. It wasn't until quite sometime after my second termination that I finally found out about ARC. They offer different types of support. For me, the forum didn't work so well as it's one of those Yahoo groups where you have to post, get your post approved and then wait for others' responses to be approved before hearing back which meant that it was all quite slow. They do offer a phone counseling service though which is very helpful. The ladies there are volunteers, many of whom have been through similar and can give you both emotional and practical advice. What I did find invaluable though were a couple of the threads on the Antenatal Tests and Choices part of the Mumsnet forum. At the time that I joined ARC there was a group that started up a thread here, which is now in its 7th incarnation, which I think you would find a real lifeline. It makes an incredible difference to be able to speak to others who have also been through or are going through the same or similar experiences and feelings that you are. Hopefully it will help you feel less alone and confused. Have a look here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/1214853-Antenatal-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-terminate-7

The thread has been going for a couple of years now and there are some long term members, some who have felt they can move on from the thread (some onto the "sister" thread for those gingerly TTC or pregnant after this kind of loss, for a bit of hand holding and anxiety sharing) and, sadly, plenty of newcomers. Don't feel overwhelmed by the obligation to catch up on everyone's history reading back through the thread, just pop in and tell your story and you will be welcomed into a safe place to talk with plenty of empathy.

I wish you the best and promise you that, although it doesn't feel like it at the moment, it will get easier in time.

Thank you to everyone who posted and apologies for not returning to the thread sooner. Honestly all your kind words mean a lot to me.

Havingkittens thank you so much for posting the link to the thread - I will take a look and join the thread. I did wonder if there was such a thing, so not sure how I didn't find it before! I am so sorry that you have been through this, and to go through it twice must be incredibly difficult.

Hi MsGee, not the same situation as you, but ive recently had my 7th miscarriage and have just started councelling.
This has helped me so much more than i had anticipated. Ive never been to councelling before, but felt maybe talking to some one would help and it really has.
Its uncovered some very painful stuff, but been worth that to feel unburdoned from the awfulness of how i have been treated by the hospital during admissions, and of what has happened to me.

I would recommend talking to someone in a councelling capacity.