Getting harder, not easier

[Empusa]

My mum died recently after a very short, fast decline (lung cancer). She died 3 weeks before I gave birth to DS (her first grandchild).

DS is now 6 weeks old, at first I was coping really well - mostly distracted by having a new baby - but now I am really struggling. I'm finding it so hard to accept she is gone. I keep going to ring her, or thinking of things to ask her. I just want to give her a hug again.

I've been playing the moment she told me she had cancer over and over again in my head.

This Saturday we are going to scatter her ashes, and I can barely face it. I'm not ready to say this last goodbye.

It's getting harder and harder to deal with this, I'm waking up in a panic. Or finding myself suddenly hit by the realisation that she's gone. I'd give anything to see her again.

My Mum died 35+ years ago, but I still feel like this sometimes. its very early days for you and you've just had a baby, I'm not surprised you are finding it so hard. The feelings of panic etc are entirely normal. Do try to have some time to grieve for her, if you felt ok now that would be unusual to say the least.

When you feel more like it, there's a good book called Motherless Mothers which I wish I'd read years ago, really helped me. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you have other family so you can support each other.

I've ordered the book, will see if I can face reading it. Thank you for recommending it.

I very reluctantly had bereavement counselling a couple of years ago and that helped as well (bearing in mind over 30 years since Mum died) - sometimes you need to sit down and tell someone who can cope and knows what to say all the awful things you feel, over and over again if necessary. I have some great friends but none of them could have coped with hearing me being so upset, so the counsellor was the best thing for me. But your baby is so young, you need more time yet before you start getting involved in that. I'm surprised more people didn't respond to your post as I know many MN people on here who have been through similar things - getting lots of replies in support is helpful as well so maybe post the same message elsewhere, I'd try Chat - much more traffic.

I really do feel for you, its shit isn't it. Hope you are getting lots of handholding in real life.

Oh Empjs darling. I would imagine, though I don't know, that you have to go through all the stages of grief and just as it gets easier, the next stage will set you back.

Grief is a journey and one you have only just started on. I'm so sorry for you.

I'm here if you need me sweetheart x

Me to Empjs. Have you considered that you may have PND too? ((((Empusa)))

Too, not to.

Hi empusa. My mum died 4 years ago aged 52. Also cancer and very sudden. I had my first baby a few months after she died. If ever there's a time you need your mum its when you have a baby so its extra hard to cope I think.

I'be found since my mum died, I've been up and down. Good, bad and ok periods. People say it gets easier. I've found you just learn to cope rather than it gets easier. I'm currently 40 + 2 with my second child and was in tears all morning yesterday missing my mum. It's so hard.

Do you have a good support network? Siblings, family, friends are there to be leaned on. It's still very early days for you and you're a new mum to boot. My only advice is to be kind to yourself and to take each day as it comes and to talk about your feelings if you can.

X x x x

When my dad died, it came completely out of the blue. He'd had a bad cold for a fortnight, then collapsed at home and died before the paramedics could get there. Mum didn't ring me until that evening, when she thought dh would be at home, and it was a terrible shock.

I found that grieving definitely had ups and downs - sometimes I was numb, sometimes I was ok, and sometimes something utterly unpredicatable would set me off. But overall, looking back at that time, I can see how things did get easier to cope with in general, though there were still odd times when it hit me all over again.

You are also in a very vulnerable place anyway, Emps - tired from pregnancy and labour and early motherhood, hormonal and grieving - it is a horrible combination, and I would do anything in my power to help you. I hope you have people around you who are holding you tight right now, and I will be keeping you in my heart and my thoughts.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Oh, love. I wish I could help. I can't even imagine being in your situation, and the fact that you're still able to function must mean that you're probably bearing up better than you think.

I (thankfully) don't have any experience of this exact situation. But I have grieved and I do know that it gets better. Even though it feels just now like it never will.

I'm useless. But I'm thinking of you.

I'm afraid that I have nothing useful to add to the previous posters' comments, just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts.

I think it can be really hard to 'switch off' when you've got a tiny, new baby, and it must be even harder when your head is full of thoughts about your DMum. Don't be afraid of taking up any offers of help, and try to take care of yourself.

(((hugs)))

Emps, so sorry. :(
My mum died of bowel cancer when I was 19w pg with DS; we only had about 8d notice that she even had cancer and that it was terminal (not sure whether she asked the docs not to tell us, I think she must have, because we got married when I was 17w pg).
It was a struggle to keep feelings under wraps through the rest of the pg, and because she was quite a public figure, we had a memorial service for her a couple of months later, which was hard but beautiful.

When DS was born, obviously I knew she wouldn't be around so I had asked my MIL to come over from Australia for the birth and afterwards - she stayed 8w in total, 2 before and 6 after he was born - and that probably helped relieve the feelings of "where's my Mum when I need her?", although I did still get the need to phone her sometimes. I dreamt about her a lot as well.

Have you any other female figures in your family who you could turn to? Of course I know it's not ideal, but it may help to relieve some of the feelings of abandonment (I know your mum didn't mean to leave you, any more than mine did, but it can still feel like that) - and even if not in your family, what about friends? How do you get on with your ILs?

It does get better but there will always be a sadness there that your mum missed out on your baby, and that you are missing out on having her around to help you. The sadness doesn't really go away, you just get used to it.

You will manage to face the ash-scattering - but don't look on it as a last goodbye. She's still with you in your heart, and (depending on your own levels of belief) still watching over you and the baby. The ashes are just the last remnants of her mortal body - and wherever they are scattered, she will be there as well - so you can go back (should you feel like it) and sit and be "with" her there as well.

My mum's ashes are buried in with her parents - I go to visit the grave every time I go back to the UK and have a chat with them all. Daft, maybe, but it helps me.

(((hugs))) - I know it's shit, really I do - but you can do it.

Thumb, you made me cry :(

Aww Tjobes, sorry! xx

Empusa: oh that's so cruel, that you lost her just before your baby was born. As others have said, it's very early days - even the emotional rollercoaster of having your first newborn is enough to cope with. You'll look back in years to come and wonder how you made it through each day. You must be reeling from the shock of it all. I hope you have some support from someone, and that you're allowing them to help you.

I lost my mum a year and a half ago, and the feelings do sort of change, but I can get knocked for six by something like a friend mentioning their own mother, or my DD doing something so cute and funny which makes me sad when it strikes me how much my mother would have laughed at it, or loved her.

I also found it painful when my MIL came to stay (we're abroad) as my own mother never could. And then every milestone is something to get past (I found the first anniversary very hard). Also sometimes I realise that I haven't thought about her for a while and then feel guilty.

It sounds cheesy, but I find it does help a little to try to remember her laughing and happy, instead of how she was in the final weeks. And talk about her.

x

Empusa, it's really, really early days and it's probably just hitting you now. I think when you lose someone, the first few weeks are just shock and disbelief and then you had your little boy to look after.
I have lost my Dad 10 years ago and my baby daughter late last year. When Dad died, I remember first of all there was lots to do, arrange his funeral, sort out insurance and things like that for Mum and then we all went home and "life went on". Until I needed to ask him something about gardening or DIY and I realised that he wasn't there to ask. Or had to explain to ds2 that he wasn't coming back and then suddenly realising myself that he wasn't coming back.
A lady I know lost her mother and six months after she died, she went into a shop to buy something. She was chatting to the shop assistant about whatever she was buyinig and said "Well, if it doesn't fit, I'll give it to my mother" And then burst into tears because she suddenly remembered her Mum had died.
Losing dd was totally different, of course, but I still have days where I struggle to realise the finality of her death.

Hi Empusa. Just adding my tuppence worth. I am in your position but a teensy bit further down the line. My mum died about four weeks after falling ill, and 9 days after we were told her illness was terminal. My daughter was born 4 weeks later. I don't want to sound negative but I still think, sometimes, it's getting worse rather than better. It's been 6 months now. Sometimes the thought 'I will never see her again' just jumps into my head. I also think that I will look back on this time and realise that I was in a complete haze. I'm angry that this is how I am spending this period of my life, when I should be driving down to my mum's every week to spend time with her. Instead I am driving down to keep my poor dad company.
I tried some counselling and something she said stuck in my mind - there's a fine line between depression and counselling. So I spoke to my GP and we are exploring options for getting me some help. No one can wave a magic wand and make this situation any less shit, but know that there are people who understand, and who feel desperately sad for you. Revel in the cuddles of your daughter, and tell her lots of stories about her granny.
Big hugs to you. x

Emps, hope yesterday went well with the ash-scattering, even though it would have been very moving and possibly tearful. Thinking of you. x

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Finding it hard to talk/write about it at the moment.

The scattering of the ashes was horrible :(

The ashes were in this awful green plastic container, looked like something you'd put rubbish into. It just felt so damn disrespectful to mum. I also felt like shit leaving her ashes behind and coming home, especially as we'd travelled down to Brighton to scatter them (I live in Herts).

I ended up crying onto DS's head, I was totally unable to let go of him.

Have since found out that dad went slightly against mum's wishes and kept behind a small amount of her ashes. Some are in a heart shape behind a photo of mum, and some were scattered onto some fuchsia cuttings that mum did before she got ill. Once DH and I have a home with a garden I'll be planting one of the fuchsia cuttings. We're also going to get a bench with a plaque on it.

I'm finding night feeds really hard, my mind seems to have free rein to torment me then. I keep reliving the moment she told me she had cancer, and the moment when she asked me, my dad and my brother to let her go :(

I'd give anything to have her back.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.

It sounds as if there is some trauma there with the learning of the bad news when she told you about the cancer... you can have post traumatic stress on top of the grief from devastating news like this.
I'll tell you my story a little, if only to illustrate that grief is very powerful and different for different people.
I was out all day the day my father died preparing for dc birthday party. My mother phoned me during my dc birthday party and I couldn't hear anything at all due to girls screaming, laughing etc and thought I would phone back later.. Two hours later I had a call from the neighbour saying they had found my dad in cardiac arrest and prolonged resus was unsuccessful. When I took the call I couldn't talk or breathe. I was inconsolable.
I lived in agony about who had phoned when and what had been said and started to feel in a state looking at anything to do with him... fathers day cards,golf clubs, etc.I couldn't forgive myself for not being more attentive.
At the funeral when the curtains closed I screamed.. I hadn't been expecting it.
I found I was continued to be upset for a few months and then some bereavement counselling helped and stepwise, things improved, but it was hard.
One of the hardest things was it was he I wanted to talk to about it.. my most trusted confidant, but of course I couldn't.
Take care x

Dear Empusa, I'm so sorry for your loss. I really understand how you feel as I'm in a very similar situation. My lovely and much loved mum died a few weeks before dc was born. I'll be honest, I feel like ive only just started grieving. When you have a baby, they are your whole World and take up every waking moment. I had some ups and downs and was referred for therapy initially to talk about things to do with motherhood. But now I find I'm talking about my Mum a lot more. My therapist said recently that bereavement and a new baby is a particularly hard combination to deal with.

All I know is, it's very early days and whilst I know I will never truly get over losing my Mum, I do think I will get better at handling the shocks and emotions that suddenly come over you. At the moment, I'm finding it very comforting to remember what a brilliant relationship I had with my Mum and how lucky I was to have it. Take care of yourself and remember there are people going through the same thing who get what you mean and send you lots of strength.