How do I help?

[LauraSmurf]

Mydear friend has just been told her high risk twins have died in the womb at 23 1/2 weeks. She is delivering them in the morning, we have been talking so much about these much wanted little boys and I am decayed as to how to help her.

I so want to do something to help, if there is anything I can do. I have told her this and offered to be there or not, to listen or to distract, whatever she needs.

You wonderful ladies have such kind hearts and many of you have been through similar situations. My question simply is how do I help? What helped you? What would you have liked someone to do?

Laura, I am so very sorry for your friends.

Right now, she will be shock and disbelief. Even if your baby is high risk, their death is still never quite expected. Keep texting and phoning, even if she doesn't reply.

Bring casseroles/ lasagnes, things like that to her house, she and her dp will probably not feel like cooking but will need to eat. One weekend SIL and BIL arrived with pizza, chips and wine.

If she has other dc's, offer to take them out/look after them.

Come over, do laundry, iron.

Talk about her twins, use their names, don't stop talking about them 3 months in.

Remember their birthday this time next year.

Send her our way! We have a continuous bereaved mums thread here and we keep the flame burning! No-one understands like another bereaved Mum.

So sorry to hear about your friend. I agree with chipmonkey talk about her twins, always acknowledge them. Remember their birthday. And just listen to your friend. My best friend we talk about my stillborn daughter all the time, I have told her the birth story. It really helps and she acknowledges my baby all the time.

Yes, people move on. Just today, I was dropping ds4 to nursery. I have a sore throat and my job means I have to keep talking. I was telling the nursery worker this and then I joked
"Who'd have my life, eh?" She joked back that there were people a lot worse off.
Now I only lost dd 7 months ago and honestly feel it's the worst thing that could happen to anyone and I felt that the nursery worker must think that I'm "over it" and I'm so not over it and never, ever will be. And your friend will never get over her little twins.

In the early days just listening and being there, talking about the twins, looking at pictures of them etc. is most important.

As time goes on she will probably need things to fill the time - normal, non-demanding things. Some very close friends of ours took us out to plays and on boats, and another couple (who we didn't know so well) invited us round to play a board game, which was good because we didn't need to make too much conversational running.

Still remembering months and years on is also so so important.

Thank you all for the responses and I will try to always remember important dates for them.

She delivered them today and is now home, I have had a couple of texts and I thought I would leave it now until at least Sunday to call unless she contacts me. Just to have time together with her DH and her mum. These were her first.

My DD is only 5months. When I go see her should I bring her? Should I mention her in conversation? I so badly want to make things as easy as they can be for her.

You ladies are all so brave and wonderful, thank you thank you thank you.

Laura, personally I haven't been too bad with other peoples babies. My SIL was due the same time as me and I have held her dd on my lap a couple of times without disintegrating. However, I do feel that I need to prepare to see other babies IYKWIM. In relation to this, things that left me reeling were:
A baby in Tesco wearing the same snowsuit dd came home in
A baby in a pram with the same fleece blanket that dd had in her cot.
A pink cushion in the baby section of a local shop with "princess sleeping" written on it.
A FB picture of my friend's wife with their new dd that they had after four boys. Because we had four boys, then dd and then she died. I think it was the shock of seeing them looking so happy, then remembering that we had been that happy. In the few months in between, I had gotten so used to being sad that I had forgotten the joy. His wife even made the same joke I had, that dd would never be allowed to bring a boyfriend home. I remembered making that joke little knowing that dd would never live to bring a boyfriend home.

I think your friend will most likely feel raw looking at baby boys and especially twin boys.

Oh, also, I meant to say, don't forget the day that was their original due date. My dd came early but I will never forget that she was supposed to be a November baby.