To what extent do you let them 'take it out' on you? Not coping with partner's grief :(

[snakeprintboots]

This might be more appropriate in relationships so apologies in advance. Please help, i'm not sure how to help my dp deal with recent events. A bit of background, just after last christmas one of dp's friends comitted suicide, then about a month ago his mother died suddenly of a heart attack whilst travelling abroad, now after his mother's death a family member has revealed that his grandad (now dead, but who he was close to) was a peadophile who abused 4 members of his family including his mother :(. Obviously this is alot to take on board and my dp has been struggling, our relationship was not that stable before any of this happened and it's put more of a strain on things.

My dp throughout all of this accuses me of not being very supportive (not tactile enough), shouts and screams at me, sometimes smashes things up and scares me, but am i supposed to put up with all of this because he is going through a hard time? I'm not sure how much more i can cope with but then i feel bad because i should cope and be this amazing supportive girlfriend (which i'm not). Even when i try to make the effort and give extra hugs etc he says i say/do the wrong thing. I just wonder how anyone else would be in this situation. All i try and do is keep the house running and look after the kids but he doesnt appreciate any of that because that's 'what I should be doing anyway'. I feel totally alone as my family are not very understanding (i get no help). I can talk to friends but the recent thing about his grandad i'm not allowed to say anything to anyone.

He is constantly threatening to move out/move abroad but tbh even though i'm not against the idea as our relationship is so unstable i'm not sure if i want to be stuck in another country on my own, what happens if we spilt up? I feel maybe we should split up as i dont think we are compatible but then feel bad as i can't put that on top of everything else. I don't know if half the stuff he says he means as he says he is 'mad' and doesnt know what he is saying, so i am supposed to decipher what is said in madness/rage from what is actually meant. I've suggested counselling but he poo-pooed the idea.

What an awful situation for both of you

I have no advice from my own experience and hope someone comes along soon who has.

You could call up bereavement counselling and ask if they will see you to get help on how to deal with his rages and how to help him and do keep trying to talk him into counselling.

At the end of the day though it is going to take enormous strength (from both of you) and a lot of time to get through this. You said your relationship wasn't stable before, are you sure you can stand by him?

Did he ever behave like this before all the awful things happened? I was not the best partner after my sister died- I withdrew, was no fun, didn't communicate much at times, cried a lot and was irritable. But I was never aggressive/critical/violent (by violent I refer to the smashing things up), and it strikes me that grieving is not carte blanche to behave like that with your partner...

I wouldn't allow my partner to take it out on me to any extent, and most certainly not to the extent you are!

Of course what he has been through on an emotional level recently is a lot for anyone to take, but seldom few of us would behave like this towards their loved ones as though their sadness is a licence to abuse.

Just add...I would of course be totally supportive of my partner's grief and sadness....but not to the point of being bullied!

Was he abused by his grandfather?

You don't have to tolerate any of this. Grief isn't a free pass for abusive behaviour.

nobody has the right to treat anyone this way no matter what the reasons, yes he is grieving and you are trying to support him but he can not treat you this way, my dh (now divorced) was the same after his mother died suddenly and he changed so much so angry so insulting all the time i put up with it for several years untill i ended up having a breakdown (which according to him was my own fault) and that was the end of us...