A year ago today my heart was shattered into a million pieces&my friends and family's lives came to a standstill when I arrived home&found a very amazing man had sadly taken his own life due to suffering from severe depression :( - he was special to many people though sadly he couldnt see he was due to his illness :(
I lost my beloved husband Mark , a man who I loved and had been with for 19years and who I totally adored&everyone I know lost a dear friend
I cant believe it's has been a year - seems like a lifetime but looking back also seems like no time at all - which tbh doesn't make sense - The past 12mths have been indescribable - could we done more will always be in our minds - I know that I was 100% supportive to Mark and couldn't have stopped/changed things - but deep in my heart I will always wonder could I have done more???
Guilt, sadness and sorrow are just some of the emotions we have faced over the past 12 mths tho never anger in my case - as how can I be angry with someone I loved so much who was so unhappy that he felt he would be better off dead
Depression is such a silent killer - no one can see it - like cancer of the brain eating away at them&sometimes takes such deep root of their lives that they can only see one way out :(
I have only got through this past year&will continue to as I have amazing friends who even when dealing with their own grief basically picked me up&put me back together again&they are all here for me 100% whether in person or down the phone
Having an amazing counsellor and going to sobs (tho back to front therapy) has made me reliese I am surviving&getting on with my life - trust me it is so hard, but what I had to reliese and accept that Mark CHOSE to die and however hard it is to understand this at times, we all have to respect his decision and he felt he had to go
A year ago I wouldnt have believed I would be in this place - as in I do have happy days&smile&laugh again and sure there are people who judge me for things that I do - but rem 3 things - life is too short,life goes on and life is for living
I still have tears&many wobbles and esp over the past few days I have really struggled :( and I think about Mark lots - but recently it's more happy memories of him - the naughty streak in him ie fascination of blowing up things - his dry sense of humour and his laugh - god I miss his chuckle and his cheeky grin and I watch his extreme gardening with a smile on my face
A year on I can say that although I love Mark with a passion&obviously wish that he was alive&we could have spend the rest of our lives together - I do understand why he made the choice to end his life and that I also hope that he found his light at the end of his tunnel of darkness and is free from his torment and is happy and at peace now
Gone from our lives not from our hearts
I was given an amazing blanket also known as a woolly hug from so many of you on mn and as I sit and type this, i am snuggled in its warmth and again i say thank you to everyone who contributed to it
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