Dealing with grief in the family

[karlahine]

Hi there, my mother passed away last weekend and although I feel as though I am coping with it well I have absolutely no idea how to explain this to my little one's. I really don't want to have to talk about it if I don't have to but I know I need to, if anything it's my little one's that keep me going and knowing that they are happy and have no clue of it makes me feel more at ease. They didn't really know her and I don't want to impose any unnecessary grief if I don't have to.

Hi

I am so sorry to hear your mother died. I dont have experience of losing parents but I do have experience of a significant family loss on the family.

My recommendation would be to talk talk talk about it, if you feel able. Ensure your little ones feel that they can talk about your mother and keep her memories alive.

My experience of no one discussing it was a disaster for my family.

All the best
GBL x

Firstly, I am very sorry for your loss.

How you react can actually teach your children a very valuable lesson (you don't say how old they are). They will have to come across grief at some point, and I think it's important that children know it's fine to cry, it's fine to be sad, that you don't have to repress your feelings and 'pretend'.

That's not to say you have to be sobbing over them. But grief is a process, and to stifle it causes more problems.

It's fine (depending on age and understanding of your children) to say that "nanny's gone to heaven, and mummy is very sad about that, she may cry & need more cuddles than usual, but she still loves you". Then answer any questions they have - honestly - and within your comfort levels.

I don't have any experience with losing parents, my second DD was born sleeping last year, and DD1 has seen me cry a lot. She was 16 months, so didn't understand, but she will grow up knowing about her sister. It's the only way I can cope.

You are still in the very early stages, you're probably still in shock. It's fine to feel how you feel, there are no rights or wrongs. But don't be afraid to let your children see how you feel xx

Hi Karlahine

My Dad died 9 weeks ago, and although I found it hard, I would second Tamisara and say you need to just explain to them matter of factly.

I have tried to keep my grief from my DD (2.4) as much as possible, but she still knows something is up.

I would also say be prepared for the 'Mummy isn't going to heaven too is she?' question - it knocked me a bit as, as you say, you just want to protect them. My DD saw a lot of my Dad though and I think she is realising now he really isn't coming back.

Wishing you strength, x.

www.healingheart.net/stories/waterbug.html

This is a really good story to read to children, who have lost someone.

Sorry about your loss x

I also lost my parents by 3 days apart on Feb 2010. I was in shock for days, my 4 older siblings has turned their backs on me . My son was 5 at the time wasn't upset when I told him his grandparents has gone to heaven, I took it that he may not understood what death is about. Now he's 7 and he thinks his grandparents doesn't want to see him and he doesn't believe me that they are gone. We don't really talk about it as its upsets me and I always puttin on a brave face in front of my kids. I am going to see Cruse to get some help as I feel I am not over this, it takes time with the right help since no one in the family wants to talk about it

We have lost our baby daughter too and one thing our bereavement counsellor said was that it's fine for the children to see you are upset. I'm sure if my dc's didn't see me upset that they might wonder if I wouldn't be all that bothered if something happened to them.
Mind you, a month after dd died, ds3 who was six said that it was all very sad but we should now move on! I think he wanted things to get back to normal.
ds4 was only three and didn't really get it, I think we used euphemisms where we should have used plainer language but it's hard for example, if you have religious beliefs to explain the concept of a soul to a small child.
So sorry for your loss, OP. xx