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Husbands nan died yesterday and I don't know what to do to help him

5 replies

totallyinlove · 07/02/2006 09:51

We've had a run of bad luck lately, so things are a bit het up as it is. Got a baby due in under 4 weeks. My husbands nan had been ill with various things for the past few months, fractured hip/heart attack/chest infections. She was in hosptital for ages and last week was moved to a nursing home.

Anyway yesterday in the early hours of the morning, her body couldn't take any more and she passed away. She was 90. Although it wasn't entirely unexpected, it is still very very sad.

This is the first death my husband has had to deal with. He was too young and kept too sheltered from his 2 grandfathers' deaths. I have lost my father and other members of my family so I know how much he is hurting.

He wasn't that close to his nan. He probably only saw her twice in the past year. He saw more of her when he was younger when his mum used to take him round there at the weekends. I think he is putting himself through the 'I should have seen her more' scenario at the moment.

He is very very angry this morning and has shouted at me and the children and said some horrid things to us. He won't let me near him. I just want to put my arms around him and tell him that I understand his pain and want to help him, but he physically pushes me away. I have told him that I'm here for him and have sent him a text message telling him. He has gone to work this morning. I've been up all night being sick and he had a lot of cross words for me when I still had my head down the toilet at 8.30 and unable to do the school run.

I spent all yesterday with him at his mums rallying round them trying to help where I could.

I am at a loss as to how to help him. He got really cross when I asked if he wanted me to order any flowers for the funeral.

I daren't say anything to him now. I am scared of saying the wrong thing to him.

OP posts:
melrose · 07/02/2006 09:56

Really feel for you totally in love. I remember struggling to support my DH when his mother died, I think it is hard when people react in such a different way to how you would, isn't it? My best advice is to bite your tongue and not react to his outburts of anger (hard I know) and allow him space if that is what he needs right now. The sadness and grief will come in time and you just have to be there to give him a hug when it does. Not sure how old your children are, but just tell them that Daddy is sad at the moment and will be better soon but still loves them very much.

Look after yourself x

mumatuks · 07/02/2006 10:01

There are four stages of grief. Shock, Denial, Anger and Resolution.
I'm hoping your DH is on the third stage.

Personally, I think you've done everything you can and if it were me and my DH I would just wait now until he came back to me.

Hope it all works out soon

NotQuiteCockney · 07/02/2006 10:04

I would just keep away from him.

And, I'm sorry, yeah, death sucks etc etc, but it is no excuse for treating your wife and kids this badly. (I say this as someone whose mom died 1.5 weeks ago, entirely suddenly.)

He needs to learn, if he feels this angry and upset, he should just keep quiet and leave people alone.

Obviously, now isn't the time for you to have that conversation with him, though.

diddle · 10/02/2006 17:25

totallyinlove - Men are funny things, and react to everything differently to us women, making it so much harder for us to understand them.
I think you need to let him deal with hsi emotions in his own way in his own time, deep down he will appreicate knowing that you are there for him. There is no excuse for taking anything out on you and the kids, but he won't see that now, he'll just feel anger. Please don't take it personally, i know thats very difficult at the best of times, but pregnancy only fuels your emotions too.
I wouldn't stay out of his way, i would just remind him every now and then that you're there if he needs you, and when he wants your comfort and support you'll be there to give it no matter what.

He'll come round eventually, and will appreciate you so much.

totallyinlove · 13/02/2006 14:09

funeral today. Husband gone now. I'm in bad books because I wouldn't go. Didn't feel it was appropriate to take young children. Agreed to go to the wake afterwards though so got to go to MIL house in an hour to open the house and let people in after the service. Apparently she's left me a list of things that need doing before they arrive. Hope I don't go into labour! Husband still clamming up. Had big rows over the weekend. He said a lot of things that hurt me. I am hoping once today is over with, I will have my husband back

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