How to mark my Mum's 8year anniversary and how should I tell DD about my mum?

[BackPackBackPack]

Hi

I was just wondering how I can mark my mum's 8 year anniversary that is happening in a few weeks :(

She is burried but there is child protection issues regarding my DD so I am not able to go to her grave and I have not been for the past 4 years :( Which I hate myself for as my mum only got burried so all of her children go to her grave

So I was wondering how can I mark her anniversary?

My DD is 3 and has been asking about my mum but I just don't know what to say to her, what is best to say?

It still hurts so much, if not more then the day my mum died, I so wish she was here and I wasn't posting here. How do I cope without her for the rest of my life? All my mum had to do was go to the DR's sooner and she would most likely atill be alive, but as she was scared she never went now I need to go through life without her, I don't think I can do that. I need my mum, just even for 1 more cuddle, No-one else understands how I feel about her, they all say "its been 7years it will be very easy to forget her" FORGET HER!!! I will never forget my beautifull mum, her smile, her hair, her cuddles, her kisses, her shouting at me, her clothes, seeing her getting better in hospital then a few days later dieing, her funeral everything, I still even have her brush with her hair in and her purse with the last bits of money :( that she should have spent, I shouldn't have it she needs it.

I dont have any photos of her apart from the one on the Laptop off her memoriam in the paper. I feel so lost without her. The last thing I said to her "I won't be back in tonight as I need to babysit" why the f**k did I babysit someone else child and not see my mum? That would have been the last time I seen her alive and with it. The next time I saw her she was dieing.

I will never forget that phone call at 7:11 by the hospital saying **is in a bad way can you get to the hospital? My nana told me I never had to go but I HAD to. I never even had make-up on. (mum I hope you pleased you broke me out of the make-up for that day? I wish I was more like me when you last looked at me but I never had time, I'm sorry) We got to the Hospital at 7:19 and by 7:51 my mum looked at me for the last time, mouthed something then died :( I hate that time I so wish the Dr's could have brought her back. I was then told by the nurses that the last things she said was that my little boy (was stillborn 2years previously) was with her and ready to take her.

My mum had no dignity in her death. especially when we were told her chemo was rearranged as the f***g DR decided a Holiday was more important then treating his patients My mum was left dieing all night long without any of us there to comfort her, I know she was not scared as she has my DS with her, but I should have been there, I should have been holding her hand for the last few hours not minutes, Why didnt the nurses phone us sooner? why did they leave her alone? other women on the ward told us my mum was not right all night, why did the nurses not do anything? why? Why did the DR go on leave then left the NHS? why cant anyone answer me?

I will never forget leaving her on that bed, she still felt warm when I had to walk away, I will never forget that second walking out of the curtain and looking at all of the other ladies on the ward still alive, My mum should have been sat up and alive, not leing flat and dead. Even the nurse said "Sorry for your loss" its her fault my mum died, she could have got a dr to save my mum. but she never and she watched her die, All of the 32mins I was in my mums bed she kept looking at her watch, How dare she look at her watch the full time, could she not wait for my mum to die? and to break a little boys heart? She couldnt wait to get home from nightshift and go to sleep or see her children or mum, my mum would never get that chance again. I will always hate that nurse and the DR that never helped my mum. My mum was everything to me.

I will never forget the time my nana told my tiny brother his mum had died he was 3 years old and I just heard him laugh and say "play buzz now" I couldnt belive that, I was in bits and he never cared (I now know he never understood but it still hurt at the time)

The person in the Morgue wouldnt allow me to see me mum 3 hours after she died, I was 16 and wanted to be with my mum, I still want to be with her, and that man never allowed me to see her. The next time I saw her was 24 hours later :( She was just as beautiful as the day before apart from that I couldn't ouch her and the man was watching me with my mum, Did he think I was going to pinch her? I so wish I did then she could have stayed with me forever instead now she is burried and I cant see her nomore.

I then had to tell my oldest Sister as the family was not speaking to her and I just could not get the words out through sobbing, I hated breaking the news to her.

I then went to register her death with my dad and I couldnt beleive I was doing that. I should not have been doing that.

The next time I saw m mum was 5 days later when she came home in her coffin. She was hard and not my mum, she scared me how hard she was, no-one told me she would be hard and cold. I nearly knocked the coffin when I touched her and knocked her out of the coffin that made my little brother laugh. I started to laugh until I looked down and saw my mum stone cold in her coffin and I could smell her flowers, so I felt guilty.

We all wrote letters and put things in my mums coffin, I put my prom photo in, my mums mobile so I can always ring her, which never worked out my DS first photo of him and my mum, my DS little booties, and a letter telling her how much I loved her and miss her already and sorry for all of the attitude I give her when I turned to be a teenager.

On my mums funeral I don't remember much all. I know the priest was the same person who baptised all of my Brothers and Sisters, married my Mum and Dad, Married my brother and wife and my DS Funeral. He was a lovely man and he did a great funeral which my mum would have been proud of.

I then got to throw a flower in her grave that the undertaker give me as I was the youngest girl. I dragged my other brothers and sisters to the grave and we all had a cuddle at the grave whilst I kissed the flower and passed it to each other then my little brother kissed it and through Buzz in the Grave, I then threw the flower in the grave. I hated it it was sooo final now that flower was in there with my mum.

I cant remeber much but afterwards life seemed to get back to mormal and everyone seemed to forget my mum, apart from me. I never did, I just sunk further and further into depression and just wanted to wake up from the nightmare, I still have not woke up from it. So I suppose it is real now and I need to live like it is real and my mum is not comming back to me is she?

How do I move on from this? How do I cope? when all I want is to be with her.

Sorry for having such a long thread and thank you for reading this much.

Have you had any counselling? There's so much to work thru in your story.

My mum died almost exactly 9 yrs ago but it's different for me, we weren't close & her death was sudden (what she would she wanted).
Why don't you have any more pictures?

For a few years I celebrated my mother's birthday each year with DC, I thought it was a good way to remember her. Then DC4 was born, the day before my mom's birthday, which made it feel funny to have the double birthday thing, DC would just be confused. I would have kept up the birthday thing, otherwise.

You could write a notebook, diary, of all the memories you have of you &your mom together. It would be something to pass on to your children to tell them about her life, too and your family history.

I have to go back to bed but hope you feel better for getting all that out (& can sleep again soon yourself).

So sorry for the loss of your mum. I sort of know some of the things you are feeling, I lost my lovely mum 19 months ago now, was with her when she died, and sometimes all I want is one last cuddle, one last chat etc etc.

Why not sit down with your DD, snuggle up and just talk about your mum. I do this with DS sometimes, chat about what she liked doing, how much she loved me/him, just stuff like that. It's actually quite therapeutic as well as being a nice thing to do.

I cant stand it that people think you should move on....I read a very interesting book called "Motherless daughters" - she said something very profound in it....if you have your mum for say 40 years of your life, how can you be expected to forget her in one or two??? Thats a mad thought. I think of my mum every single day and cant imagine there will ever be a day when I dont think of her.

Maybe try and see if you can get the book - Amazon sell it and it was a great help to me xx

Oh BackPack I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you will neveer forget your Mum. Don't ever expect that to happen. I think what people really mean is that you might gradually start to spend less of each day thinking about your Mum.

Since you have so many unanswered questions / feelings about the circumstances of your Mum's last few days / hours, I think it might be owrth looking into counselling. Would your Mum want you to be struggling with so much grief, or would she want you to be looking at how you can cope with what happened a little better?

I was 19 when my Dad died of cancer. DD was about 3 when she started asking whether she has a Grandpa. At first she had not heard about death, so I simply said that no, she did not have one. DD is now nearly 4 and she is aware that people who are very old or very sick die. She has asked several times about my Dad. I explain that he was old and sick (he was not old), but I do not want her to be scared that I or DH might die.

I hope you can have a nice conversation with your DD about your Mum. She might be able to understand that you feel sad and your Mum would have loved to have been a part of your DD's life.

It is sad that you cannot visit your Mum's grave. I do not visit Dad's grave because I moved too far away. Shortly before DD was born I did go to it and I was surprised by how I felt - kind of empty. The most important things about my Dad are not in that grave, they are in me. They are the things he taught me that make me the person I am today and the memories I have of him.

Look after yourself OP. Do whatever feels right and comfortable to you to mark your Mum's anniversary.

ragged Thank you for the reply and sorry to hear about your mum. I have never had councelling as talking about things make it more real, but as its this long it is real and its not a nnightmare my mum is dead.

I don't have any more photos as my nana fell out with me when I was 18 (I was pregnant again and not married) so she kicked me out of the house, all I could grab was my mums purse and brush. My nana then told me I was not allowed my mums wedding ring or any photos as my mum was not my mum and I was adopted I have asked Social Services and I'm not adopted, my mum is my mum and always will be

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I'll have a look for the book now thanks you.

RunningOutOfIdeas Thank you for your reply and sorry to hear about your dad. I'm at my GP's on Monday as he wants to look at where my depression is comming from as the Anti Depressants help, then I get took off them then a few months later I'm back to square one and back on them. I will ask him about counselling about my mum. I feel so guilty as I have sort of come to terms about the death of my baby boy but not my mum, I should feel this way for my baby not my mum surely.

My DD has a Nanny (DP's mum) and a granny (DP's Granny) she is asked about my Granny and mum but I have just showed her the toy that is nearest to me to distract her, so I will start to tell her about things, she knows about death as our puppy has just died yesterday and we had to explain it to her so hopefully she will understand as much as we can (we also live near a Cemetary (sp) so as we have walked through it to the park a lot we have explained that is where people go to place Flowers or to talk to their families that have died and no longer with us)

I feel a bit better getting things out there, I can't speak to my DP as he is grieving for his dad and brother and I don't want to bother him with my grief especially as his is so raw and mine is "old"