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Bereavement

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At a loss to know how to respond

10 replies

LadyPeterWimsey · 28/03/2012 22:25

I wasn't sure whether to put this here or in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss. Sorry if I've got it wrong.

Relatives lost a baby to miscarriage a few months ago. They didn't tell us at the time but have sent out a message to friends and family since then, telling us the name of their baby, and how they are feeling. We responded to that, and am now going to see them in the next few months.

We are not close for a number of reasons, but would like to be closer. We don't want to pretend this never happened, and would like to mark this little life in some way - but don't know how. There are a number of points of sensitivity in the relationship anyway, so I really don't want to get this wrong.

Does anyone have any ideas?

OP posts:
rosie17 · 28/03/2012 22:38

Tell them how sorry you are that they lost their baby. Then give them lots of space to express their grief, do not interrupt and do not draw comparrisons with other losses. Have a look at SANDS website (uk sands.org) and you might want to refer them to it too if it feels appropriate.

LadyPeterWimsey · 28/03/2012 22:45

Thank you, rosie. We've already expressed that in writing but you're right that we need to actually say something to them. That bit is complicated by the fact that there will be other people around when we see them. I guess I'm worried that we won't get the chance to say anything while we are there because of our DC and/or the other people.

Can you think of anything we could give them that would show that we have remembered their baby and are thinking of them?

OP posts:
Tamisara · 28/03/2012 22:48

"I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you're going through" is a good place to start. I found the acknowledgement that someone else didn't know comforting (unless you've been through the exact same thing, people, though trying to help, have said they understand, when they've had early miscarriages, as it feels a bit dismissive... but that's just me.

You say miscarriage - but that they've named the baby, so I'm guessing that it was a late miscarriage, and the mother had to deliver it? Therefore it is their baby, they will have memories of their little one's features, and their grief profound.

I didn't have a miscarriage, I had a 37 week stillborn daughter, but would have been so happy to have relatives like you, who are willing to stand up and show that the baby is a part of the family.

Another thing - have they had a funeral for the baby. If so, maybe take something for the grave (if he/she was buried). Always refer to the baby by name. Send a card, and put the baby's name in it, so they know that you consider the baby a family member, not just a miscarriage.

If they took photos of the baby (and I don't know from your post whether it would have been likely), then a nice photo frame could be an idea, or give them a plant, that they can put in their garden, to remind them of their child. You can ask them what you can do to help, the thought I'm sure would be appreciated.

Let them know that you're there for them, and listen if they want to talk (but don't press if they don't). It doesn't matter if you're close or not, I've found some people who I thought were friends, who I thought I could count on, just disappeared, or expect me to just 'get over it', and they're not people I'd trust ever again.

Tamisara · 28/03/2012 22:52

I've just read that there will be other people around when you see them. So a really nice card, maybe a printed poem (Little Snowdrop is good), and put in the baby's name.

I think a plant, or some bulbs they can plant, would be a nice token. Just attach a card (so there are no awkward words), saying that you've given them it their (baby's name) memory. It's hard to know, as people react so differently, but my midwife gave me some bulbs for my daughter's grave, and I really, really appreciated it.

LadyPeterWimsey · 28/03/2012 22:56

Tamisara - thank you for taking the time to write that. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. We do very much want to let them know that we consider their baby part of our family.

It's really helpful to know what (and what not) to say.

They lost the baby at about 14 weeks (after many difficulties conceiving), and I don't know if they have had some kind of memorial - I will ask when we see them.

Unfortunately they are too far away to be able to help in any practical way. I like the plant idea very much - will look into that.

OP posts:
Tamisara · 28/03/2012 23:08

I'm so sorry for them :( I do hope they have a rainbow baby soon, not that it'll ease the pain, but it'll give them a reason to smile again.

If you can't help out practically, let them know that they can call you. A really important thing to do, would be to call them/send a card showing you are thinking of them, on their baby's due date. By then people will have forgotten, but if you just let them know that you're still thinking of their baby, I'm sure they'll appreciate it.

rosie17 · 28/03/2012 23:09

A simple card is a nice idea. And I certainly agree that afirming that their baby will always be a member of the family, would be thoughtfully appropriate.

LadyPeterWimsey · 29/03/2012 09:21

Thank you both very much.

OP posts:
LadyPeterWimsey · 29/03/2012 20:31

Am googling suitable plants/bulbs right now; any other ideas, in case I can't find one? I will write a card as well, but would like to give them something tangible too.

OP posts:
Tamisara · 29/03/2012 20:39

Maybe a named teddy bear - with the baby's name on, something they can hold, or just look at, but is a physical presence in their house?

Was the name unusual in any way? My DD2's middle name is Rainbow (so called after the rainbow in the sky, just after we found out she'd died), and anything 'rainbow(y)' I love to receive. Of course it depends on the name. Otherwise a bear with the baby's name on

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